Something I Have To Do

Yesterday was a hard day.

A deep discontentment  has been brewing within me for the past couple of months and last night was the final culmination of a bunch of heartbroken, ugly feelings coming to the surface. After spending a good three hours crying myself to sleep while going through every little thing in my life that would never be right, rest swept over me.

Sleep.

When I woke up, I felt refreshed. It's a new day with new hope. But most of all I felt that there was something I needed to do. And if I don't do this, I will only to continue to slip down that steep slope of bitterness and depression until there's no life left in my bones.

I must give thanks.

Because when I woke up, I realized that I was warm. Enveloped by the cloud-like cushion of my bed and the three blankets cocooned around me - warmth filled my body. I heard my parents stirring and I realized that I have a wonderful, healthy family. I smelled the coffee brewing and it hit me that I live a life of luxury.

Sometimes the things gone wrong completely darken out all the blessings in life, but today will not be that day. Today I will give thanks for what I have and choose to be okay with the things that I lack.

So here goes.

I'm thankful for:

• My health. For the most part I go from day to day feeling fantastic and pain-free, which is something that many people in this world only dream of. 
• My parent's house. Even though I moved out, I am still completely welcome to spend weeks or months or forever in their house and that is comforting to me.
• My apartment. I share a two bedroom apartment with two amazing friends that have been nothing short of an absolute blessing to live with. I have a kitchen and a living room so that I can invite guests over, and we have shared SO MANY laughs and tears in that place. 

• My jobs. In a time where a lot of people are having a hard time finding a job, I'm blessed to not only JUST have a job, but to have THREE jobs that I absolutely love. I have to quit one of my jobs soon and I am genuinely sad to leave it. What a good problem to have. 

• Transportation. 
• An abundance of food.
• Water 
• COFFEE.

• Shoes
• Thrift Shops
• My sewing machine that my parent's gave me for Christmas
• The ability to read music and express myself in song. And the ability to play the flute and the piano and the comfort and peace that comes from that. 
• My education. Although I have a lot of bitterness toward education, I am so thankful that I can read very well and write well, too. Writing has been one of my biggest forms of release lately and I can't imagine not being able to put my thoughts onto "paper." 

• The internet. Where I can connect with people, laugh at things, learn things, discover things, and all kinds of stuff. 
• My iPhone. I mean, really. This is no small deal. I have an iPhone and I didn't even have to pay for it. And I don't have to pay for my phone bill. That's a blessing.
• My MacBook. My school bought it for me and I never could've afforded it on my own. It has made so much possible for me. 
• My clothing. Because even though I feel like a frumpy loser most of the time, I never have to worry about whether or not I'll be warm. Or whether or not I'll have shoes on my feet. 
• The sky. It is beautiful and majestic and every single day it's just THERE to look at for as long as I please.
• Clean, safe air. The air I breathe is fresh and crisp. I don't have to worry about radiation or other pollution. I go outside and breathe deeply and I am refreshed and satisfied. 
• Stuffed Animals. Because when there's no one to hug and I feel alone - as pathetic as it may be - a good hug from my stuffed moose makes everything alright. ;)
• Candles. I absolutely love the smell of candles. I also love the warm light that their fire produces. 
• Warm water. Something I've grown so accustomed to that it would be hard to live without. 
• Games. My family connects really well through games. We share a lot of laughter when we get together to just play.

• My bike. 
• This blog.
• My journals.
• My flute.

• My parent's piano.
• My friends. Because even though I have almost zero friends who understand what I believe, I know that I could call ANY of them and they would drop whatever they had to to make sure I'm okay. They've always accepted me for who I am and loved me despite my stupidity. I've got so many amazing girl friends who laugh with me and dance with me and sing loudly with me and hug me when I'm scared or sad. And I've got an awful lot of guy friends who comfort and encourage me with their words, who teach me and push me forward, and who provide a lot of comedy in my life. 

• Tea. Because there's nothing better than a good ol' tea time. I've poured out thoughts here that I've never told anyone and have received comfort and deep, awesome friendship. 
• My family. I saved this one for close to last because I take it completely for granted. Sometimes we have differences. But they are there. Every day. They love me and they include me in everything and they care about what I do with my life. They care. I've always been able to bring my problems to them and I've always found comfort in simply being at home. I love them so much.

• The Bible. Even though I sometimes hate it because of how it has changed my life, there isn't a single time that I read it and don't feel refreshed. How can words so ancient bring life so new? There is a spirit within those words that is longing to make it's home in the heart of every reader. And that spirit has brought me life, time and time again.
• A safe community. 
• Emotion.
• The ability to change. 
• Grace.
• Forgiveness. 
• Changing landscape/scenery.

I could keep going on and on if I sat here and continued. My life is full of blessing and today I will acknowledge that. I haven't done much to deserve these things, but the God of the Universe is patient and kind, giving to us what we have not earned, and pouring blessings on the good and the bad, just and unjust. If you are lacking ANY of these things, please tell me so that I can share with you what I have. Because what's been given to me is what I long to give away. Thank you God, for blessings. And even though I know little about this God, I know that He loves. And oh, How He does love. 

Beauty, Grace, and Heartache

Life is so full of paradoxes.

And you know, sometimes I really wonder why.

Why is every good thing tainted by something icky? But on the flipside, it's good because every bad thing is shadowed with life and brilliance.

Contradictions teach us. We can never understand how truly wonderful peace and joy are until we experience sorrow and grief.

Life is so hectic for me right now. Nothing is what I ever thought it would be. I always thought that by this point in my life, I'd be almost finished with college, have a serious boyfriend (that I would soon marry), I would have plenty of money stored away and well on my way to a picture perfect life. However, I've chosen to stray from that and now. Well. I'm a college drop-out pursuing midwifery, I'm single with no prospects (and will probably keep it that way for a LONG time), and I have much less money and material possessions than before.

Now don't get me wrong, I chose this. I specifically decided that I didn't want that shallow, "picture-perfect" life and instead wanted to follow Christ. But even so, it hasn't been exactly what I imagined, and it definitely hasn't been easy.

So life is crazy. I have no idea where I'll be in the next year, much less the next 10 years. I don't know if I'll ever get married or if I'll be good at midwifery. I don't know if I'll be living in NW Arkansas or even in America at all. I don't even know who God is anymore or why in the world I'm even here.

But it's so, so weird because while I don't know ANYTHING anymore, I have this weird sensation that I know everything that I need to know. It doesn't make any sense, but not much does anymore. I just feel like I know enough to live in this moment and that is good. I feel anxiety and fear and anger and bitterness, and I feel joy and peace and love and contentment. I feel cursed and I feel blessed.

I guess I'm a little confused.

But at the same time I'm not.

Life is so complex yet so simple. Why are we here, what are we supposed to be doing, who is God, who am I? I don't know. But I know that I'm alive and I'm called to serve and love and give.

I feel so alone yet I feel so blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful friends and loved ones. I feel plain and ugly yet I feel like a princess adorned with jewels. I feel awkward and uncomfortable yet I feel at home and at peace.

God is so silent yet he is so present.

So there is beauty all around, contrasted by poverty and pain. There is grace abounding, contradicting the bitterness and unforgiveness that plagues our hearts. There is unending heartache and suffering, yet an ever-present and constant source of healing and life accessible to all.

Paradox.

"He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it." Matt. 10:39

Let us lose our lives for your sake. Because oh, How You Love.

Nothing

Literally absolutely nothing makes any sense at all.


So there's that.

I'm Probably High

Do you ever wake up in the morning and just think, "Man...how did I get here?"

No. I don't mean like, I was drunk and blacked out and ended up somewhere totally random and unexpected.

Although, if that's you...well...I'm sorry. That's awkward.

:)

Okay, but seriously. Don't you ever have days when you wake up and literally have no idea how you got to the place you are? I wake up and wonder how things got this way. How did I become this person I am now with these thoughts that I have and how in the WORLD did I get in this situation?

Even weirder than that - do you ever stop and wonder how you got on EARTH? (Do I sound high?)

I mean, I get that whole thing about how I physically got here - the stork brought me. K. But how did EVERYTHING get here? How do we have such intense and intricate thoughts and feelings? How are our emotions so tied into our physical senses? How can we communicate with such detail and effectiveness?

Folks, there is a God.

There's someone who had to have made this happen. I mean, I can't fathom any other possibility. Science cannot even come close to explain the complexity of HOW a lump of mass in your skull can produce unique ideas and thoughts. That doesn't "just happen." That's not some cosmic accident.

We were created.

Okay, I don't know what you think about that....but it freaks me out. I mean, it's also kind of comforting. But I just wonder where my creator has gone. Is it true that I was created for fellowship with this God but mankind's sin has separated me from that?

Or have I just been abandoned?

I legitimately don't know the answers. I don't understand how I'm supposed to find out.

But something deep within me whispers that my creator has not forsaken me. Something way down inside insists that I still have a purpose and it still involves my maker.

God, show me who you are.

Maker of my heart and my brain and my spirit and all that lives around me, make yourself known to me.

Open my blind eyes and please forgive me for being so stubborn and only believing what I want to believe. I'm sorry that we've become so confused and selfish and hateful. I look around and see so much pure and untampered beauty and I can't help but think that the world was created to be much better than what it is now. I see glimpses of perfection and can't help but imagine that perfection is what once marked every created thing.

But my eyes are cloudy and my heart is heavy. The world entices me in its momentary afflictions and empty promises and I forget to think about the possibility that maybe I could be missing the whole point.

Creator, show me my point. What do you want me to do? Who would you like me to be?

How can I know you?

Please, oh please - tell us how you love us.

I'm So Clueless

I literally have a zillion thoughts inside of my brain right now so I'm going to do my best to form a somewhat coherent blog post out of this mess.

All aboard the struggle bus.

Um. Where do I begin?

Well, I started reading back through some of my old blog posts and let me tell you, it feels like I'm reading about someone else's life. Because that part of me feels SO FAR GONE. Like, posts from earlier this year feel like they happened decades ago. I read through my thoughts, feelings, dreams, aspirations, beliefs, concerns, hopes, and triumphs and only one thought passed through my mind:



What.


Happened.



Reader, my life is a mess. Please understand that when I say this, I'm not exaggerating. My life is so messy right now, that even Mr. Clean himself could offer me no hope! I guess I'll tell you about it.


Good grief, this is going to be a long post.


Okay, so, several months ago I started seriously examining my life - particularly my faith in God. I learned more about what Jesus Christ of the Bible actually taught and how that should translate into my life and I had a couple of really solid examples of what that looked like. I talked to people and read and searched and I started changing. It started with little things. I stopped wearing make-up because I realized it was a way for me to draw attention to my outward appearance while masking inward filth. I started dressing more modestly because I saw that my wardrobe was full of figure-flattering stumbling blocks for my brothers in the faith. I started loving my family and doing things for them with joy. And then I made a decision that I NEVER thought I'd actually go through with.

I dropped out of school in mid-September. My entire life my identity has been carefully wrapped in my academic achievements. I used to love to google "Lauren Presley Bentonville, AR" and watch as dozens of links popped up announcing different awards and titles I had been given. I especially took pride in my ability to maintain a decent social life while doing all of these "great" things to help humanity. I had lots of friends and all their parents adored me and lots of boys liked me and I was drinking in every ounce of goodness that life had to offer.

It all sounds like vanity, doesn't it? Well, that's what I realized. I realized that I was pretending to follow Jesus Christ but really I was pursuing my own grandeur and recognition. I realized that I had a very "worldly" mindset and that nothing I had achieved would follow me into heaven.

So, naturally, I quit school.

Now, this is where light-hearted me would typically interject with a "my life is a joke" joke. Yeah, normally I would do that, except for the fact that this joke has gone entirely too far.

When I stopped wearing make-up, people stopped telling me that I'm pretty. Boys stopped talking to me. When I stopped doing my hair every day, I felt gross and boys continued to ignore me. When I started dressing modestly my friends told me that I needed to look cuter and well, BOYS DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO ME. All of this is somewhat humorous to me and it doesn't really bother me all that much, it mostly just makes me realize how naive I was to think people were so genuine and liked me for my spirit.

(Okay, not everyone responded this way, but a shocking amount, in fact, did.)

But when I dropped out of school because I felt like I wasn't pursuing God's kingdom, I became a disappointment. I became a waster of talent, money, and opportunity. A failure. My perfect little kingdom that I had spent so many years to carefully building up with achievements and successes began to crumble to the ground.

This all stunned me. It made me ask questions I've never thought about and look at things I've always chosen to ignore. It took a foundation away from me that I thought was immovable.

But my faith in God made me feel strong. It gave me peace and assurance and vision. I held fast to it.

Until I realized that it was gone.

It hit me like a semi-truck speeding on I-540. I woke up one day to a question I wish didn't exist. Do I even believe in all of this? Do I actually believe God is real? Do I legitimately think Jesus Christ is calling me to lose my life so that I can find it?

The consensus came in as a resounding I DON'T KNOW.

So this is a great position to be in. I just completely changed pretty much absolutely everything in my life for a God that I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I BELIEVE. For a faith that I don't even know is real. For a man that I. DO. NOT. KNOW.

And what once was a vision of taking up my cross to fervently follow Jesus Christ while serving the widow and orphan and caring for the helpless with a deep, overflowing love for a beautiful savior and Lord quickly became a heaping pile of confused thoughts mixed with a lot of ugly feelings and a broken compass for life. This all started about 6 weeks ago.

And I haven't gotten anywhere.

I'm literally in the exact same place and I've done nothing. I've worked and spent time with friends and have done some good stuff, but I'm just as lost as I was 6 weeks ago. I'm literally wandering out here alone. I don't fit in ANYWHERE and I don't have any sort of foundation to even think about building upon as I move forward in life.

And I can't help but remember some words that I once heard spoken that "God never leads you into the desert to kill you."

And as I can't help but remember those words I also can't help but think that they are completely and totally, absolutely, without a doubt, infinitely and abundantly FALSE. Or at least it feels like it.

Because I once believed that if I could just take one step at a time that things would turn out okay. I once thought that if I could just make it through the night, I could make it through the storm. But here I am and I literally don't even think I have the strength to take one more step. I'm in the driest desert I've ever known and the idea of refreshing waters has become such a foreign concept to me that I have actually ceased to believe in its existence. And so I cannot help but believe that God has led me into this desert, in fact, to absolutely annihilate me.


Because what if I really don't even want to take another step? What if I don't really care if I make it through the storm because it's not like that side of things is gonna be any less confusing and messy?


And really, if the Bible says that God is near to the broken hearted, then why do I feel so abjectly alone and abandoned? Because if the most pleasing sacrifices to God are a broken spirit and a contrite heart, then why does he remain so frustratingly silent?

Sometimes I just wish I could go back. I wish I could un-learn everything I've soaked up in the last 6 months and just be stupid again. I wish I could just be a self-glorifying, naive, vain, clueless dummy like I was when I was so captivated by all of life's beauty and glory and lightness. I wish I could wear a pair of skinny jeans and not feel evil or watch a TV show and not think about how terribly I'm wasting my life.

Because sometimes ignorance truly is bliss. Sometimes it's better to be blind and go on believing that life is about being happy and having a grand ol' time and making everyone laugh and stuff. I look back at my blog posts and journal entries and see such an honest love for who I believed God to be. I see such a light-hearted adoration for life itself and such a strong-willed desire to soak up every good thing in life and then pass it on to everyone else around me. And I don't understand why that was taken from me.

I still don't really know anything about life or God or what in the world I think I'm doing. The more I learn, the less I know.

I don't know if God is real or if he listens to my prayers or if He cares that I'm dying. I don't know if He plans on coming to save me at the last second to revive my faith and restore my joy. I don't know if I'll ever make something of myself or if a boy will ever want to marry someone frumpy and unkempt like me. I don't know if Jesus was telling the truth when he said that if I lose my life for His sake, I'll find it.

Because I lost pretty much everything in order to pursue his kingdom and I still feel pretty empty and scared. I still feel pretty alone. So I just don't know what to believe.


But since I always seem to find a way to end my blog posts on a happy note, I'll just add that I like November air. It's crisp and it blows with untamed freedom and passion. I'll also add that if God is real and true, that He is infinitely merciful and patient with my wandering and cluelessness.

And I long to believe that He is true, and that He Loves Us.

Why I Wear Make-up

     

                             


Most people would probably say that it's a little drastic to explain my reasoning behind wearing make-up as my fallen, broken way of attempting to be God.

But really, that is why I wear make-up.

I've been thinking about this a lot. I got pretty upset one day when one of my friends said something about how girls would be better without makeup. I wasn't sure why it upset me so deeply, so I prayed and asked God to reveal to me the deeper, hidden places of my own heart - the inner workings and brokenness that manifest themselves through tears that I don't understand.

My Father spoke truth into my heart that day.

There's something in me that desires to be loved. Most would say that's a pretty innocent and natural longing - but not so much, really. Because I don't JUST desire to be loved. I desire to be adored. Still don't think that's bad?

Okay. I desire to be worshipped.

This is what I realized. I refuse to go out without makeup because I refuse to go out without someone saying, "Wow, you have beautiful eye lashes!" I refuse to go out without being made up because it would be an injustice for someone to think I wasn't pretty.

What if someone realized that I am not God?

Oh wait.....

I'm not.

Okay, I know at this point you're probably raising your eyebrows going, "Whoa, now! You're taking this to a completely ridiculous level." And maybe I am. But I realized something terrifying inside myself that day - something dark and dirty, and something very broken. I realized an inward tendency to gain approval in the sight of men (and women) based on the visual aesthetics of my face. I realized that I wanted to cover up every "flaw" so that people would think I'm perfect. And the Bible makes clear that what manifests itself on the outside is what's really taking place on the inside (Luke 6:45). So if I'm trying to cover up my flaws on the outside, there's probably a good dose of trying to ignore my flaws inwardly. There is a part of me that will not accept the truth that I am not worthy of worship. I see my own plainness and try to trick myself into thinking that I'm actually supernaturally extraordinary and perfect.

Let's cut the act.

I have pimples. So do you. My pore are the size of Mount Rushmore and I have the deepest crows feet wrinkles you've ever seen on a 19-year-old. My eyebrows have a mind of their own and my top lip isn't big enough. This is who I am. When I cover these things up, it's in an attempt to HIDE them from people. I want you to believe that I never break out because I'm calm, cool, and collected and have perfect skin complexion. I groom my eyebrows, cover my eyelashes with mascara, and plop some plumper on that top lip so that you look at me and think, "Wow, God blessed her and adorned her with beauty."

It. Is. Fake. Literally, it is so fake! I AM SO FLAWED. I have pimples and wrinkles and thick eyebrows. So why am I trying to make you believe that I don't? And why do we practically demand others to cover up their flaws as well? As if it is a disgrace to humanity to uncover our imperfections. Who are we kidding? None of us have a perfect face, but honestly, I think that makes us even more beautiful.

Stop wearing makeup for a while. Stop freaking out and just try it, okay? After a while, you'll get used to the look of your face without make-up and start to recognize the natural beauty that lies underneath all that foundation. Unaltered skin has a sort of glow to it. No, not the sun-kissed, bronzed glow. But a warm, inviting glow that lends honesty and truth. Yes, there's a sort of beauty to a made-up face, but it's the kind of beauty that's hard to look at, to be quite honest. The kind of beauty that makes you feel uncomfortable and like you're missing a mark. But then there is a natural, unaltered beauty of a face just the way God created it. The kind of beauty that's easy to look upon. It doesn't mean that your face is nice and clear and symmetrical. It means there's a certain undeniable joy and honest goodness overflowing that comes from a contended heart in Christ.

Stop believing the lies of this world, Daughter of God.

Stop buying into the deception of the fashion industry, oh Child of the Most High.

For jewels, fine clothing, and make-up cannot match the great beauty of the spirit that God has placed inside of you. He has created you to embody the "imperishable beauty of a quite and gentle spirit" (1 Peter 3:4). And that is "VERY PRECIOUS IN THE EYES OF GOD" (1Peter 3:4).

Very rarely in the Bible does it directly say that something is precious to God. But look at this. WHAT TREASURE WE HAVE FOUND IN CHRIST. We don't need worldly beauty - in fact, we shouldn't want it! Because in Christ, we put on the adornment of mercy and grace. We wear the jewels of forgiveness and humility. We paint on the make-up of kindness and servanthood. Worldly beauty is nothing but deception to us, for it is a cover. We can freely reveal who we truly are because we don't need the praises of men. We don't seek the worship of strangers who think we're beautiful. We don't strive for the attention of passers-by. For the King and Creator of this Universe has named us as very precious in his sight because of our GODLY CHARACTER.

What freedom we have found in our Maker! What love we have discovered from our Father! Yes, you may seem plain next to painted faces and fashion queens, but your spirit is what attracts others to you - and that is NOT plain! Forget the chase after fading beauty and pursue the unfading beauty of a quiet and gentle spirit! Your Father has created you to have that spirit and He finds it PRECIOUS.

Oh, how the Father sees past the imperfections of our flesh. Oh, how he adorns us with grace! Oh my soul, How He Loves.

Doubts

This post is somewhat old. I just typed it out about a month ago and kept it on my computer. Here are some of the thoughts I've been sifting through and searching out over the past few weeks. <3 


I've had an unshakeable faith my entire life.

Until now.

Which, I've discovered is due to the fact that my faith wasn't in what I thought it was in. I thought my faith was in God - in the God of the Bible - Yahweh.

Eh, nope. My faith wasn't in God. My faith was in myself. I worshipped myself. I had spurts of wanting to follow God, but in the end I did what I wanted, pursued what I wanted, and ignored any conviction that came my way. I wanted to be a good person, but that was just so people would praise and worship....ME.

Slowly I've started to realize this over the past few months. And so I've been making little changes - like not trying to entice people with my appearance, not thinking of myself more highly than others, trying to give people what they ask and be selfless and all that stuff that we say we're supposed to do but never actually do.

And then I dropped out of college.

And the next day, I woke up.

And I thought....I have NEVER questioned my belief in God. I've never questioned my belief that there IS a God. And what if I'm wrong? And what if I'm changing my life based on something that isn't even true?

Is there a God?

Who is He? Is He the God of the Bible? Yahweh? If so, who is Jesus? Is He God? Does He really have authority to forgive sins and offer eternal life like he says he does? Why do I believe the Bible, anyway?

How am I supposed to live? Am I supposed to follow some specific rules or are there just general guidelines? Can I do whatever I want? What DO I want?

I guess you could say that I'm having a slight identity crisis.

So, let me fill you in on what's going through my head.

I don't know who God is.

I don't know why I'm here. I don't know what my purpose is. I don't know if I even have a real purpose. I don't know if someone is watching what I do and keeping a record of it. I don't know if I was created or if I just poofed into existence. I don't know if Jesus was/is actually God. I don't know if the Bible is true.

But there are a few things I DO know.

I know that there is truth. I may not know what it is, but I know truth exists. I know that my relationships are real, and that they matter. I know that people matter. I know that the commands in the Bible (whether it's "true" or not) are good. I know that there is no better way to live than the way Jesus laid out for us to live. I know that this Kingdom Jesus talks about is a kingdom that I wish I could be a part of. I know that living justly, loving mercy and walking humbly is a wonderful (but hard) way to live. I know that helping the helpless makes me feel alive. I know that doing "wrong" makes me feel dead. And I know that joy is never far off and depression never lasts.

I know that no matter who you are - good or evil, smart or dumb, rich or poor, selfless or greedy, alone or surrounded, young or old - you are allowed joy and pleasure. The great majesty of the mountains is there for anyone to behold. The rush of a river or the ocean waves is out there for anyone to hear. The softness of the breeze can be felt by each of us.

And if it's a God who created those things and allows us - ALL of us - to experience them.....

then Oh my, How He Loves.

Love Your Enemies

When Jesus tells us to love our enemies, surely He doesn't mean the pot-head who cheated on your sister with 6 different girls and ruined 3 of your family's cars while your parents provided a place for him to stay and food to eat just to have him turn around and get your sister in trouble with the law with an impending felony, right?

I'm not kidding, this is a real situation. With ZERO exaggeration, believe it or not.

So here's a hard question: Does Jesus call me to love him?

It's funny because when I see these words in my Bible to love my enemy (Matthew 5:44), the image I have of enemy is someone who hates me for no reason. Someone who has done a million bad things to me. Someone who has stolen from me or hurt me.

I don't think of the guy who tried to ruin my sister's life.

I don't think of the woman who unashamedly stares at my other sister who is disabled.

I don't think of the man who tells my dad off after he refereed a game over one stupid call - my dad who is the most honest, wise man I know. My dad who breaks his back and gave up his dream to be our provider, caregiver, and supporter.

I don't think of people I've seen who ceaselessly take my mom for granted and disrespect her despite the fact that she has sacrificed for them and has forgiven them an infinite amount of times without them even saying sorry.

But these are my enemies. It's easy to love people who hurt me, but when someone hurts or disrespects my family, an all consuming anger rises within me that begs to be set free in the form of physical, verbal, or virtual retribution.

I just want to tell someone off.

But is this what it means to love? Is this what Jesus means by love your enemy?

This is an EXTREMELY hard question for me.

Because I feel like if I am not hateful to these people, I am condoning what they do. I feel like I am the one disrespecting my family.

Maybe this is where the bit about hating your mother and father comes in...

"If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple."
Luke 14:26

This is really hard to swallow. I don't like it. It feels wrong. It goes against everything the world has taught me since I was born. 

These are the moments when my faith is truly tested. I started to type a very firm, defensive message to this bozo who messed with my sister, and I instantly felt convicted. The world tells us that this is a fine thing to do. In fact, it tells us that this is the RIGHT thing to do. But really, this is the opposite of right. And many people look at these words of Jesus and completely twist them to fit their comfortable lives so that they can hold onto their pride and never have to actually reduce themselves to the level of LOVING evil people. 

Wake up, world. The words of Jesus are pretty clear.

These are the kinds of people we are called to love. And NO, your attempt at telling them off and calling it "tough love" does not count. There is a time for rebuking, but when it's done with an attitude of anger and followed with the cone of silence, a death glare, or a punch in the face, IT IS NOT LOVE, OKAY?!

I still have to work through what this means. I don't know how to treat people like this. People who obviously have a lapse in any kind of moral judgment. People who seem to have mean spirits and cold hearts. But what I do know is that I am not called to judge them. Even many Christians would disagree with me on this, but I believe the words of Jesus were clear, and I have no intention of twisting them - because every time I've done that in the past, I've looked back with regret and despair. 

So, how do I love people like this? Well...I don't know. I think it takes practice. I know it won't be easy. I know it will take FAITH in God and TRUST in His commands. But I also know that those who seek the kingdom first and its RIGHTEOUSNESS will have worldly "necessities" added to them (Matthew 6:33). So I will trust in the word of God and follow Him even when it's hard and I don't like what it requires of me. I will trust that this is for His glory and that it will bring me joy in the end. 

Will you join me in being radical about following Christ? Will you join me in loving the unlovable? I'm not talking about the dirty, poor and forgotten; I'm talking about the disgusting, rotten, filthy, and corrupted. Because how much better are we, really? Because the Bible tells us that even our best acts are filthy rags before a Holy and Perfect God (Isaiah 64:6). But still God loves us with a love immeasurable and a grace inconceivable. Oh, that He loved us while we were still His enemies!! (Romans 5:10) 



Oh....   How He Loves.

Interesting

Peace that Surpasses Understanding

I remember a period of my life when I woke up every day with a piercing anxiety burning in my chest. I remember feeling crippled even when everything in my life was exactly how I wanted it. It didn't matter how "great" my life was, I couldn't enjoy it. Nothing was satisfying and every day was a never-ending battle.

I'm happy to call those days memories now.

Funny thing is, during this period of my life, I surrendered my life to God. I had believed in Him my entire life, but never gave Him all I had. But when I had nothing left to fill me, I did the only thing I knew to do - surrender to the God who created me, who "loved me and gave himself for me" (Galations 2:20). 

Can I just tell you that since that day that I surrendered, I have never felt the crippling pain of that hopeless anxiety again? 

Sure, I've cried. Okay, I've BAWLED. But there's something different about the way I mourn now. It's like, in the midst of uncertainty, fear, hurt, and sadness, there's something deep, deep within me that never runs out of joy. 

It's like....it's like a fountain.

A fountain... 

Interesting.

In John 7 Jesus says 

           “If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.'"

I have found this to be absolutely true. Even when everything feels wrong and I feel powerless to make it right, I never feel hopeless. I have a constant sense of God's sovereignty and the promise that He will work all things to my good (Romans 8:28). 

He offers this to EVERYONE. Anyone who would come may drink from the fountain - and never thirst again (John 4:14). 

Come drink from the fountain today. Your trials and tribulations won't disappear. Your tears won't run completely dry. Your heart won't become steel. But new life will spring from within you and a fountain will begin to well up from deep inside as the Peace of God which surpasses all human understanding takes residence in your heart (Philippians 4:7). 

His love will captivate you. Because Oh, How He Loves.

A Mission While on Mission

I've been in Romania for 4 days.

It's an absolutely beautiful country and I've enjoyed every minute of it so far.

I'm staying with a couple that moved to the country with a heart for children and for following God's voice. Their main mission is to pour out their love to the children of Romania - to the underprivileged, the orphaned, the Gypsie, and the disabled. They show no discrimination but simply have a desire to be the hand and feet of a God who, as the song goes, "loves all the little children of the world."

However, while they live out the mission God called them to (and sacrificing quite a lot, I might add), they have another mission that's effects will long outlast their presence in Romania. Though this second mission is not stated outright, it is evident in their everyday lives and has inspired me and got me thinking. This mission is to demonstrate to the people around them - no matter where they are - how to love the way Jesus called us to love 2,000 years ago.

In their little village, they live out the Golden Rule. The other day, when a drunken man cut his arm and was tracking blood everywhere he went, the people of the village said to let him die. But this couple saw an opportunity to care for someone who had no one to care for him. When they returned, they remarked that the only reason they would ever be hated in the village was for something like that.

Oh, to be able to say that the only reason people would have for not liking me is that I helped others that they thought were undeserving!

I'm blown away by this (and mind you that this is absolutely NOT the only example of the way they love, just one of many examples). The reason I'm blown away by it is because this was the exact mission of Jesus. And he was hated for that very reason. People saw him help those that society deemed as unworthy - the gypsies, the drunken men, and the orphans of his time. He showed grace to prostitutes, dined with tax collectors, and washed the feet of fishermen.

So, no matter what mission God has sent you on, there is a common mission we should all have. To show love to those who are considered worthless. And to teach others to do the same. To live as an example of Christ's perfect love in a bitter, broken world. Just like this couple in Romania.

And for the record, showing Christ's love is not just "paying it forward" at the McDonalds drive thru. Showing CHRIST'S love is making yourself a servant to your self-promoting, porn-addicted boss who's got a serious attitude problem. Showing Christ's love is refusing to gossip about the girl who spread a rumor about you that isn't true, but instead encouraging her with kind words and thoughtful actions. Showing Christ's love is forgiving the man or woman that abused you. Loving the unlovable. The ones that the world says you have a justified reason to hate.

And the time to start is now. Stop thinking about how well you'll love others when you get enough money to be a full-time missionary in India. Stop depending on your future plans to open a Christian pregnancy clinic for underprivileged moms to give you credit in the "loving" department. Because if you can't love now, where you are, don't count on being able to love in this way later. This couple was loving radically long before God ever called them to Romania. In the corporate world of England, they were showing forgiveness and love to selfish, back-stabbing co-workers and bosses in ways that baffled these people and left them in awe of this nonsensical mercy they were shown. This was years before Romania. Show yourself worthy of the calling you've been given NOW. The one you're in right now. God does have a plan for your future, but He's also given you a mission right for this very moment.

So whether you're on mission in Africa or in Wal-mart's home office, there is one mission at hand - to love the way Jesus loved and still loves. We say that so often, but miss the gravity of that. If you love the way Jesus loved, you will NOT be liked by all people. In fact, some will hate you. It also won't be fun, as you're require to slay your pride daily and make nothing of your selfish desires. But the reward is priceless. To commune with a holy God is the highest satisfaction and joy in existence.

So go live in mission. And pour out every ounce of love you have and be filled by the One who's love never runs out, because Oh, How He Loves.

Lose Control

I learned something very important - but also very alarming - about myself this year.

There are certain "truths" in my mind that define the way I live. I guess this is called a worldview. Some of these truths are actually true, but others of them are complete lies. I usually recognize the lies because they leave me feeling hopeless and alone, filled with anxiety. These are never feelings that come with the truth of God. However, this year, I discovered a deep-seeded belief within me that left me feeling anxious and afraid, but the more I thought about it, I discovered that I still believed it was true. And yes, to this day, I believe it is true.

So what do I do with this belief that has proven itself true, but brings grief and fear into my life?

Well, let's start with what this belief is and how I came to believe it.

It started with rejection. There have been so many times in my life where I have had a friend that I loved so much and longed for them to love me, too. But it seemed like the more I cared, the less they did. The more grace I showed them, the more they took advantage of me and abused me. It seemed like every time I put my whole heart into a relationship - romantic or not - I came out feeling alone and abandoned. Rejected.

So, eventually, over time I learned this simple truth:

Whoever cares less in a relationship...has control.

It's a very straightforward and somewhat obvious truth. If you care less than the other person, you have nothing to lose. They will do what you want them to and you will always feel like the one being pursued. If you care less, you don't have to worry about rejection. You're the one doing the rejecting.

I felt this deeply in my heart for several years and wasn't able to materialize it in words until last year. I realized it while in a fight with one of my best friends. It was EASIER for me to harden my heart and not care. To say, "whatever" and let them go because I could find someone just like them. But something about that didn't feel right. I discovered this belief I had and immediately condemned it as a lie. But the more I thought about it, I realized that there actually is a very important truth in this.

I do believe this truth. If you care less, you have more control.

If you care more, you lose control and make yourself vulnerable to hurt, loneliness, and anxiety.

I am a woman. I hate giving up control.

But something within me stirred. I discovered this truth, yet I did not truly desire to stop caring in relationships. I remember having a conversation with my mentor and telling her that I would rather put my whole heart into a relationship and get hurt than harden my heart and having many passion-less, empty friendships.

Because relationships are not about controlling someone. In fact, they are about giving up our selfish desires in order to encourage and walk with someone. You cannot truly care for someone while trying to maintain complete control.

So, yes, what I discovered I still consider to be truth. And yes, it sometimes brings me great fear and anxiety to think of the possibility of pouring out all of my love to someone who will turn the other way and forget me when things get rough. To think of loving someone through all their quirks and mistakes but then having them reject me for my own short-comings.

However, it was not this truth that mattered. It was what I did with it that mattered. And it is what YOU do with it that matters.

Do we hear this truth and decide to harden our hearts to the world in order to preserve ourselves? Or do we follow the example of our Great Lover, Jesus Christ, and make ourselves vulnerable to rejection in order to love fully and completely, holding nothing back?

I want to love like Christ loves. I want to pour myself out and expect nothing in return.

So what fills us when we do (and we will) face this rejection? God himself. Oh, how familiar He must be with the pain of rejection. How many times have I left Him to pursue a cheap imitation of his goodness? So, when you feel lonely and abandoned by the people you give everything to, run to the Great Provider, the One who never stops giving, the One who is faithful when we are faithless (2 Tim. 2:13). Give Him your heart. Pour everything you have upon him like a fine oil and He is the ONE that will NEVER take advantage of you, who will never forsake you, who will never leave you empty. He will fill you each day with the grace and love you need to give to others. He is the fountain that never runs dry. He is your source. So give up control. Give up your pride. Run to Him and love Him and let His love flow through you out into the world...and maybe someone will see this incredible love and be turned back to the Father.

Because Oh My Soul...How He loves.

We're Measuring the Wrong Thing

I'm a Social Work major at University of Arkansas. It's the perfect major for me - I identify so deeply with the mission of social work and really feel like it's what I'm supposed to do. The main goal of social work is to provide all humans with resources - emotional, physical, etc. - that they need to have the life they want. It's about using my unique connections, skills, and gifts to provide someone else with opportunities that they didn't even know existed. It's about provided support and encouragement to broken, hopeless people who are often alone. It's about letting people know that they are never truly on their own. That's something I can devote my life to.

But I have a bone to pick with Social Work.

Actually, I have a bone to pick with the world.

The one thing that I hear over and over again in my social work classes is that certain privileges set you up for success. This is so true. If you have your own car, if you have an education, if you have a family that believes in you, you're chances of "success" SKYROCKET. So, as a profession, Social Workers want to help help people who are at a natural disadvantage because they lack these things.

So, the ultimate goal for people is.....success. I always hesitate to use this word because I honestly hate it. It's a filthy, sticky, deceptive word. It promises happiness but delivers emptiness. It wears a mask of prosperity while devouring its victims with whispers of discontent and jealousy.

So this is my beef with social work and with social work and with the world: we're measuring the wrong thing. We measure quality of life with a ruler of "success." Sometimes we even try to make the ruler look really nice by saying success includes family, friends, and community. But personally, I think that even the best ruler that the world has come up with is a cheap con of what life should really be measured by.

Matthew 6:33 says "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

One thing I did not realize when choosing Social Work was that, though in my mind my religion fits perfectly with the mission of Social Work in a unique way, there is really no room for religion in the workplace. Well, that's what they say anyway. As a social worker I am ethically bound to keep my beliefs to myself, to protect others and preserve diversity.

But when you have a treasure worth more than gold, how can you keep it to yourself?

I've been thinking a lot lately about how the world would be perfect if every single person had a relationship with God and sought after the kingdom of God and his righteousness. Oh, but I guess that's how the world was actually created in the first place, huh? And I guess that's what heaven will be like.

Anyway, the point is, I can provide someone with all of the resources in the world and help them create a successful, happy life but it will truly never be enough. Because, as I've blogged about before, when we chase our own joy, it ALWAYS eludes us. Jesus said to keep our life we must lose it.

I truly believe that the field of Social Work would CHANGE THE WORLD if they came at it from a Christian perspective. Instead of teaching people to chase success, teaching them about their God-given kingdom mission and showing them how to seek God! Because is a life with a family and a big house but a huge gaping hole in your heart really successful? So instead of chasing physical and emotional comfort as an end-goal, we should use these things to make the race after the kingdom of God a little easier for our brothers and sisters, with the end prize being God himself. And then we would find TRUE success, true delight, true joy, and true treasure.

"Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven."

Oh, how you love us.

BOYZBOYZBOYZBOYZBOYZOMGBOYZ

I just realized that my last post had a lot of indirect talk of "love" and stuff. So I wanted to share how my views of love have changed this year.

If you look way back to the beginning of this blog, it started at the beginning of my freshman year. I was new to college, single, and excited about the potential of finding my husband at college. Boy crazy, you might call it. So any time I met a new boy I was immediately on the phone with my BFF Hannah, assessing and analyzing whether or not he was my future husband.

This year was marked by relationship failures. Most of them weren't so bad, just little things that never amounted to anything or ended up not working out. But some of them were really awful. And painful. And messy.

So I'm on the other side of it all, still single, and looking forward to keeping it that way for a while. But it's not because of all of the failures that occurred this year in relationships. It's not because I've lost hope in guys and think they're all a buncha toolz with no brain. On the contrary, I actually have a greater belief in true love and the ability of Christian men to rise as leaders and become God-serving Christian husbands.

Yet I feel less urgency to find my husband than I have probably in my entire life. It doesn't really even matter to me if marriage is in my future.

So, to say the least, my feelings and thoughts have changed in the past year. I'm so at peace with where I am and I mean, how could I not be so incredibly filled when looking upon such a wonderful savior?

His glory is my joy. Forever. <3
(Don't worry, I still love gawking at Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice...I haven't changed THAT much)

Not About Me

The biggest source of anxiety for me is built around the idea that the ultimate value of my life is based on just doing "what makes me happy."

I totally understand why this phrase has become so popular. If you let other people control your life and never just step out and do what you feel is right, you'll probably have some regrets. So, why did this mantra leave me feeling so full of anxiety and fear?

So when we think of this idea of doing what makes us happy or listening to our heart, a few things come to mind. First of all, love. Love who you want to love, take risks, marry who your heart tells you is the one. Career. Find something fulfilling, be successful, rise to the top, follow your dreams, make it happen.

I'll stop there. You can't go wrong with these things, right? I mean, that's pretty much the lesson behind every Hallmark and Lifetime movie ever created. Find the perfect guy, do what you love, lalala rainbows puppies babies OMG.

Welp. This is where it gets kind of weird because I think I realized that the world's been lying to us.

I mean, maybe it's just me, but this whole "Do what makes you happy" thing has time and time again left me feeling like a failure. Like, it should be so simple. Just choose what you feel is right and chase after it and you'll end up with a really great story about perseverance and love.

But what happens when you mess up? Like, what if you're totally crushing on this guy and you're just too scared to take a risk and before you know it, the window of opportunity is closed, never to return again? Or what if you finally get the interview you've been waiting for pretty much your entire life but your alarm doesn't go off and you don't have time to take a shower and all you can think about is yesterday's mascara that is totally smudged all around your eyes so you basically bomb the interview and destroy all of your life's dreams?

Because let's be honest, you don't always get a second chance like they always do in Lifetime movies. The guy doesn't always realize "what he's missing," coming back with a grand display of adoration to sweep you off your feet once and for all. In fact, it's downright rare.

So if none of these things seem to be working out for you, are you a failure at life? Even if the world tries to say, "Oh no, of course you're not a failure," it looks to me as if it's really shouting yes.

So I start to think about how I can be happy, what I can chase after. Sometimes I even say things that sound really good and convincing like, "I'll volunteer more" or "I'll read my Bible more." But ultimately those things still leave room for emptiness and feelings of failure. Because some days I can't convince myself that reading the Bible will make me happy and some days I feel like my volunteer efforts are shallow and in vain.

Is there a solution? Is there a point we're all missing? I think there is.

Maybe life ISN'T about my happiness. Maybe the ultimate value of my life is NOT based upon how well I chose everything in order to create a life that I was satisfied with. Maybe it's not about avoiding pain and maybe it's not even about me....at all....

The most comforting realization I've coming to lately is that life is about giving God glory. Life in general is about God. God is the giver of life and all of creation testifies of his grandeur. My life was not made to be enjoyed by me, but it was made to magnify the goodness of a holy and perfect God.

The fact that this realization brings such peace and comfort to me is actually really surprising. But maybe, just maybe it points to another fact that this is what I was CREATED for. I wasn't just made and plopped onto earth to try to make the best of what I'm given and be "happy." I was specifically created to be used as a vessel to magnify the Most High God.

So when I have thoughts of the potential of being single the rest of my life, I now realize that it doesn't matter because my life isn't about my relationship status. It's not about my job. It's not about how good of a person I am or how happy I am. It's about looking upon and savoring my Beautiful King and doing whatever it takes - not to make me happy - but to make much of Him. And the funny thing about doing what you were CREATED to do....It ends up with a deep, deep satisfaction and joy that the best Hallmark movie cannot capture.

So I lay down the idols of my happiness willingly. They have brought me anxiety and fear. And I trade them for an eternity of worship of the one true king. My King. Eternal communion with a God that has ravished my heart and left me breathless in awe of His majesty. The fact that He allows me to be a part of the symphony of praise surrounding Him makes me want to shout from the rooftop, "Oh, How He Loves!"

How deeply and well He does love.

Reflection

Most of the time I don't like to reminisce because it leads to feelings of sorrow for what once was and is no longer.

But today, I look back into the past year and I rejoice. I rejoice because I have the desire to move forward. To continue. Not to gaze back on what used to be, but to look upon Christ and follow him into the future.

I rejoice because of the friends I've made this year. They have given me the encouragement to let go of the things that hurt me. They've held me when my sin crippled me. They've comforted me when my heart was broken. They motivated me to do everything I can with my life and to live radically for Christ. They've lifted me up and rejoiced with me and they've cried with me. They've accepted me for all of my craziness and weird quirks and never tried to change me. They listened to my ridiculous stories and helped me sift through my wacky emotions. They screamed and giggled with me when my crush asked me on a date. They held my hand when I decided to let that crush go. They accompanied me on random car rides and adventures. They read the Bible with me and prayed with me. They discussed the goodness of God with me. They pondered the mysteries of world and the Gospel with me. They met my parents and my old friends. They loved me. Unconditionally. With grace and mercy. With perfect kindness. With the love of Christ.


My friends have made freshman year of college MUCH more than I ever believed it could be. I look to the past today so that I can see how God has answered my every prayer. I look to the past so that I can compare this day to this same day a year ago when I was sure I would never wake up with joy again. Now I can't remember the last time I was truly unhappy. My heart is full and my faith is strong.

It is a season for rejoicing. And I will look upon my King in awe and wonder as he guides me gently into the secret places of his will.

Today I move out of my dorm. I'm going home. Lord, thank you for how you've carried me. Thank you for your faithfulness to me. I can't comprehend your kindness and love. Your patience with me is incomparable. Today is the last day of freshman year at the University of Arkansas, and I rejoice for what God has done. <3 Oh, How He loves us.

God is True

You know all of these promises we have from God that we try to twist so that it fits in with how we're already living our lives and there's no risk involved for us?

Not sure what I'm talking about? Let me give you an example, from my own life.

Matthew 6:33

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you."

My initial reaction is, well, what does "seek" mean? Seek comes from a Greek word meaning to search for, as in searching for a treasure or something hidden. (See, I have been learning stuff in Greek class!) What do we do when we've lost something? We search high and low, leaving no possibility out. Even if you're completely certain you didn't leave it somewhere, you look anyway. There's a feeling of desperation, of earnestness. Relating this to seeking the kingdom of God means that we should desperately search for God and his righteousness. Looking everywhere we can think of. Reading scripture, being involved in the church, helping those in need, whatever comes to mind, even if it seems outlandish - out of desperation we try it because we are earnestly seeking God. And we don't do them because we want to look good or appear righteous, but because we are on a hunt for the one true satisfaction, God himself. And the Bible says that if we seek, we will find Him. 

Okay, so I'm reading this and I think it's awesome! How cool, if I desperately seek God first, above all else, I will not only find him, but also He will provide for me in every way ("and all these things will be added to you"). 

Ah, yes, but if I start SEEKING the kingdom of God, that means I'll have to take my eyes off of that boy I'm daydreaming about. That means I'll have to stop spending time thinking of ways to make him fall in love with me. It means I'll have to stop being so obsessed with having the cutest clothes and best makeup. It means I'll have to stop being controlled by my social status and academic achievements. 

But I like those things. I like the idea of being in love. I like looking nice. I like being liked and moving up in the academic world. 

But God promises that if I take my eyes off of those things and seek him and his righteousness, that He will fill my every need. 

So what I do is I say, okay God, I trust you! And I start reading my Bible a little more, start doing more "Christian" things....but still holding on to those other goals. I try to do both at the same time. 

So I don't really believe God's promise. I don't truly believe that if I seek God with abandon that He will provide for me. I think that I'll look everything and be empty.

But I'm trying it now. I'm trying to seek him in the right way. Not holding onto my wish that this guy I'm in love with will return the feelings and chase after me. Not holding onto my goal of maintaining a 4.0 all throughout college. I have only been doing this for maybe like, 2 days. But I'm starting to see a glimpse of how true it is. 

When I saturate myself with God, I am satisfied. When I start looking at these worldly goals, I become anxious. GOD'S WORD IS TRUE. 

I write this so that I'll remember the next time I start to doubt. 

So, when we start to doubt, what do we do? What do we do when the promise doesn't feel true? Let us TRUST in God's word (for it has never failed), and simply do what it says out of faith, and then we will SEE that it is true. God is faithful. His promises are true. And oh, how He loves us. 

The Spontaneous Single

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/single-satisfied-and-sent-mission-for-the-not-yet-married

The time between moving out of your parent's house and getting married is one very unique and very precious.

The link to the blog above is the best article I've ever read on making the most of your single-ness.

I am excited to make the most of my single life right now. Not only am I not married, I am not dating anyone, and to be honest - I don't even have a crush! With this freedom, I want to use up every ounce of potential this period of life offers me.

Thank you, God, for allowing this unique time of life that we can be spontaneous and radical for your name. I look forward to the blessings of being married one day, but will relish the sweetness of this time in my life, looking to you all the while.

How you love us.

Wilderness

Sometimes I get really depressed. It's usually because of something EXTREMELY tiny, and it's usually relational. But when that time comes, I'm consumed by a feeling of apathy and hopelessness, like nothing in life matters or could ever matter. It's like I know I was happy yesterday, but I just don't remember why.

For some reason, the greatest encouragement that I tell myself when I get this feeling is that I have felt this way before...and it ended. This is not lasting. This is not final. It will end and joy will come and it will be full.

So I don't know if that's helpful for anyone else out there, but it is for me. It also helps to know that God does not call us to the desert to kill us, but to teach us something and to whisper tenderly in our ear in order to draw us closer to himself (Hosea).

Lord, call me to the wilderness to see your face.

Why I Blog

I just really love looking back through these posts.

God is so faithful.

Sometimes

Sometimes things look perfect on paper. Sometimes you get really excited about what you think is the direction of your life. Sometimes you run down a hallway, hug the wall, fall on the ground screaming with joy.

Oh, wait...that's just me?

ANYWAY...the point is, sometimes you're wrong.

Sometimes the very thing we think is the best is not.

Sometimes things seem hopeless. Sometimes the people you love are plagued with endless sorrows and physical pain and you're left helpless. Sometimes you wonder if God hears your prayers. Sometimes you wonder if God is good. Sometimes you cry out in anger and pain that God's word is not true.

But ALL the time, God is indeed good and true. ALL the time God is patient with your disbelief. ALL the time God is working things for your good (Romans 8:28). ALL the time God is in the process of fulfilling his promises to you (2 Peter 3:9,10).


What an inconceivable love we have found in God the Father. What a beautiful romance we experience through Jesus Christ. What healing we can embrace when we have faith in our Creator. And oh, how He loves us!

Outside Myself

I'm in a funk.

I can't stop analyzing everything in my life. The couldda been's, the shouldda been's...the wish they wouldn't have beens. Yeah, we all know what that's like.

The self-over-analyzing is destructive. John Piper says that we get depressed from being stuck inside of ourselves. He write a letter to an insecure, incomplete teenager saying that the happiest people he knows are those who are fascinated with everything but themselves. He then goes on to give the advice to do what you have to do, and don't think of yourself while doing it.

I'm not sure at what point the past couple of weeks that I stopped allowing myself to be fascinated by little things, but I can sure tell a difference in my heart's condition now that I've stopped.

I am selfish.

But there is hope for me yet! Because I know that this is not my identity. I know that in Christ, I am not my old, selfish self anymore. Yes, that person does come through from time to time, but that is only my flesh, as Paul agrees with in Romans. But in the moments that I find my identity in Christ, suddenly everything outside me becomes so fascinating.

And interestingly enough, when I stop focusing on myself so much, I hate myself a lot less. Because I'm not constantly analyzing my every flaw. So by getting outside of myself, I am increasing my love of others, and also increasing my own esteem.

Because if I'm forgiven in free, why would I bind myself to the chains of my sin?

Today I will embrace the grace I've been given. I will venture outside of myself and find fascination in all of God's great creation. And most of all I will be captivated by His great, infinite love. Because Oh, How He does love.

Constant

So I think that one of the most amazing things about God is that He is constant. I think that we overlook that way too often.

"For I the Lord do not change." (Malachi 3:6)

"God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind." (Numbers 23:19)

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." (Hebrews 13:8)

For me, this is one of the absolute most beautiful things about my God. I personally hate change. Yes, I know that change can be good. But it also brings uncertainty and anxiety. But God is CONSTANT. He is perfection personified and all holiness and righteousness and justice and mercy made real. I would never hope for Him to change, considering his perfection and steadfast love, and the amazing thing is, I don't have to worry about Him changing. His character will never change and neither will His decision to save me.

Now THAT'S amazing to me. He will never change His mind about me. He will always look on me with love and mercy, seeing His own son's righteousness.

That's just so cool, and I'm so thankful for that today.

Oh, the constant, all consuming love of God! Lord, How you love!

Life in the Struggle

"Hallelujah we are free to struggle." Tenth Avenue North



My blogposts lately have been marked primarily by struggle. This month actually marks a very significant time in my life. This time last year was the beginning of a LOT of deep, internal struggle that manifested itself in many different ways. It's amazing to me to be a year removed from the onset of this and see what things have changed and what has remained. It's crazy to think that it's been an entire year of constant battling. You'd think I would be exhausted, drained from the energy of questioning my every belief and having my heart trampled multiple times (and by multiple, I mean MANY, MANY times). You'd think I'd be just about ready to give up. If someone told me at this point last year what the next 12 months were going to look like, I wouldn't believe that I would survive it. No way. I won't make it. I'll lose every ounce of strength I have. I will die of exhaustion. The interesting thing is that none of this is true.




I feel so alive.





So struggle has been the theme. Mistakes. Failures. Regrets.



But let me tell you. There is BEAUTY in the struggle. Not AFTER the struggle, but smack dab right in the middle of every heartache and pain you're facing. Right in the worst of the worst, there is a sweeping, powerful beauty that will transform your very being.


Every perfect and wonderful gift that I have received in the past year has been a direct result of tragedy.

"The Bible says that if you seek God, you will find Him. That's a lie. I've sought after God and He is not here. The Bible says that God will never leave you, but I'm alone. God's word is a lie."

Those words came from my mouth. Yep, I remember them well. I remember all too well the stab of pain as my last source of comfort was ripped from my hands. I remember the final culmination and realization that all my sins and failures were caving in on me, and I felt alone in the battle.

I remember denying God.

Would  you dare to believe with me that in these moments when we believe God to be the farthest away, that He is actually the most present?

As I look back, I am able to see that in fact this WAS when God was most present. God was directly intervening in my life at this moment. He was answering a prayer that I had prayed shortly before this day to "tear down my idols, take what you must in order to show me who you are." Sometimes I get angry at God for answering my prayers. "Okay, yes, I asked for this, but I didn't know it would include THAT." Oh gosh, as I'm writing this it's revealing to me some of the complaints I've had recently that are a result of God answering prayers. Funny how we never seem to learn our lesson.

The point is, maybe the presence of struggle and pain in our lives is not indicative of the absence of God. Perhaps these battles are evidence of His presence. Why in the world do we feel so empty all of the time? Why do I wake up with anxiety literally flooding my body? Why is rest so elusive? Why do I feel numb and void of emotion? Why is everything falling apart? Why don't I have any control?

Perhaps in this place, we are able to take off our blinders and see God for who He truly is. If you've asked God to reveal Himself to you, if you've sought after God, searched Him out, longed for Him, and you find that everything in your life is going wrong, take a step back. In this place where you might claim that God has left you, are you so sure that He's not in the very room? Are you so sure that He's not in the midst of this, tearing down the idols of your life, so that you can see Him more clearly? So that you can be satisfied by Him and Him alone? Because honestly, can satisfaction be found in anything else? (If your answer to that is yes, read my last post about being a slave to anything other than Christ).



These are just some thoughts. I realized that though most of my posts are me talking through my struggles, every single one of them is characterized by one thing - the constancy of God. His faithfulness to satisfy my every desire and quench my every thirst.


Savor today His presence. In the middle of whatever strife you're dealing with, take in the fragrance of His closeness, of His jealousy for you. Allow Him to captivate you in this place.


Because this is the good place.


The day of happiness will come. There will be a day soon enough that flows with ease, when the sun shines and the birds chirp and your heart cannot contain the fullness of God's glory. But if that day is not today, find rest in the promises of God. Know that "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18).


Think about the cross. What greater tragedy has the world known than Righteousness and Love itself hung upon a sinner's cross? But also, what greater beauty has the world known than that of redemption and grace, made possible through the death of Christ? What tragedies are we trying to escape that God wants to use for our ultimate good? Because we know that God works all things for the good of those who are in Christ, who have been called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).


Savor this place. Because this is the good place.

Savor His love. His closeness, His presence. His love for you is unmatched, His jealousy for you will destroy your idols. His passion for you will draw you close. He's calling us into the Secret Place, into communion with Him. Will you follow?

Oh, How He Loves..