To Seek the Praise of Man

I hate cell phones.

Or maybe I should just be honest and say it's not so much the physical cell phone that I hate as the anxiety that comes with constant, unending, night-and-day communication with a world full of well-meaning, sometimes-annoying, SUFFOCATING people.

I feel like such a jerk.

I've always loved people and have called myself a people person. But lately I feel like a recluse. I'm constantly yearning for a retreat away from people and commitments, away from the stress of trying to please everyone....


Ah. There it is.


I'm a people pleaser. 

Being a people pleaser is exhausting.



It's also wrong.



There's something inside me that says being a people pleaser is good because it means I just want to make others happy and comfortable. But the secret inside a people-pleaser's heart is that the pleasing isn't for others, its for...well....me.


I want to be comfortable. I want to be held up high on a pedestal. I want everyone to love me and adore me. I want to morph into a different person for each situation so that every single person I meet will think I'm amazing and will never oppose anything I say or do and I'll never have to feel weird or awkward or uncomfortable.

It's all about me.



My heart is full of selfishness and pride.


I am my own idol.

Oh, what sadness fills my heart at the sound of those words. I have set myself up as God and have disregarded what the one true God thinks and lifted up the opinions of man and held them up as worthy of my worship and desire and seeking and striving.






Soul-friend, I'm tired of striving.


I feel every day like I'm going to die. It feels like dehydration, an anxiety attack, nausea, and having a baby all at once. Like my body is just going to stop and fall under the weight of all the pressure I've placed upon myself.


There are certain people I avoid like the plague. And the reason? Well I try to tell myself that it's because they're needy and annoying, but truly it's because these are the people I'm most afraid that I won't get approval from. The people I know I have differences with and I know they wouldn't like it if they knew it.


I can't be liked by everyone.



I'm not called to be liked by everyone.

I have to lay myself down.



I have to give up my worship of self. My idol of self. My slavery to self.


Being a slave to myself and to acceptance is miserable. It lays heavy weights around my neck and cripples me and takes my joy away in a second.


I'm a liar.

I will twist and deceive so that people see the version of me I want them to see.


I'm done lying.

Why do I live in fear of man? Why do I care more about what people say than what my Creator and Father says?

Abba, I lay myself down. I'm not going out to seek the praise of men, but I go out in Jesus' name to make your name known and to spread your kingdom with every action.


Abba, please forgive me of my selfishness. For the lying and deceiving. I'm sorry for the way I've tied myself down and shunned your grace and freedom. Please forgive me, Father, and show me how to live. Please guide me with your Spirit and teach me to seek your approval rather than the approval of man. Please teach me how to be honest and how to be real and not be obsessed with my own image.



I will find freedom in seeing truth today. Thank you, Oh God, for showing me the innermost troubles of my heart and revealing the roots of those troubles. You are good, and oh my soul, how You love.

Do Not Stray

Oh Soul, how I rejoice in your rejoicing.

Oh heart, how happy I am in your happiness.

The spirit within me sings a melody of joy and fullness. I am glad.

But oh my soul, as this joy leads to confidence, do not forsake the Source.

As you step with ease, do not forget the one who carried you when your feet were too heavy to lift.

As you walk along the way, do not run ahead of the light that guides you.

Do not stray today, oh happy heart of mine. Rejoice in the Lord and praise his Holy name!

Remember the days of your suffering and pain and raise your hands to the Giver of Life.

Worship your Father who loves you and stay near to him and do not leave His side.

Desire Him only and remember how this world broke you and how He was the one to build you back up again.

Remember his mercy upon you and how He gently held you as you screamed and writhed in anguish.

Remember his strong embrace as you fell to your knees and surrendered everything you had in exchange for his promise.

Remember his promise for new life. His promise for relief from the emptiness of this world.

Remember his promise of love for you. And worship Him now as your spirit sings.

Oh heart of mine, sing loudly for your King. It is only by his grace that you know such joy as this.

Delight in Him today, and do not stray.

Magnify His name today, and do not walk far off.

Stay near to Him today. Thirst for Him today. Call out for Him today.

He is near.

Do you remember this, oh soul? Your Lord is near to you. Do not run. Do not fear. Just stay.

Today is the day of faithfulness. Be faithful to your Father as he has been infinitely faithful to you.

Bless the Lord, Oh My Soul and do not stray today.

For Oh, How He Loves.

Oh Heavy Heart of Mine

Somali Pirates.

This is what grieves my heart today.

I watched the movie Captain Phillips yesterday and was smacked in the face with the stark reality that there are bad people out there who have no choice but to be bad.

But my soul whispers to me that they're not actually bad.

My soul feels their hidden goodness. It feels their desperation and fear. It so deeply feels their sense of hopelessness.

And then I feel hopeless.

Why do I have so much? I have everything. It is easy for me to be good. I don't have any worries. I have every need met on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. It's no real sacrifice for me to do good things.

But people with no hope, people with no protection, no livelihood, no money, no job, no family, no LOVE - they have no choice.

Be bad or die.

That's the choice life gives them. Life says go out and steal and hurt and kidnap and destroy and take what is not yours and assert your power and live to make others fear and you'll survive. Otherwise, stay meek and humble and weak and die. Die in desperation and hopelessness.

This is what is seems like life gives them. And it does not seem fair. It seems so wrong. 

And I can't help but wonder why God would allow it to be that way. It's not fair that it's so easy for me to be good and so easy for them to be bad.

If I'm good, people praise me and bless me and love me. If they're good, people take advantage of them, kill them, destroy them.

Where is my God? Is he near to them? Is he close to their broken hearts? Does he hear their helpless cries in the night? Does he have mercy on them?

Does he love them? 

And I find myself praying in desperation that God will just make it known to me that he isn't absent from all of this. I have to know that he has some sort of plan through all of this. I have to know that he loves those people and that his heart breaks the same way mine does when it sees their scared, lonely souls and their acts of wickedness.

I need to see his eyes and see the tears welling and the arms reaching out, trying to save them.

Oh, my God, will you open my blind eyes?

Oh, my God, will you make known to me your love for bad people? Will you make known to me who you are? Will you show me your heart and your face and your eyes?

Oh, my God, where have you gone?

It feels like you've left us here alone. It is so hard to see you anywhere now. All I see is selfishness and ignorance and greed. All I feel is brokenness and helplessness and confusion.

Oh, my God, won't you save us?

Won't you put an end to our suffering and teach us who we should be? Won't you provide for us so that we can serve you? Won't you heal our broken hearts?

Oh Jesus, won't you lift this heavy heart of mine? 

2014

A bad habit I'm going to break: Being late.

A new skill I'd like to learn: sewing clothing and cutting men's hair

A person I hope to be more like: My Grandma

A good deed I'm going to do: Use my money to benefit others

A place I'd like to visit: Colorado

A book I'd like to read: Something about midwifery

A letter I'm going to write: A letter to Alexis

A new food I'd like to try: I would like to try going mostly vegan for a while

I'm going to do better at: not letting my emotions control me

.......It's not 2013. It's 2014. But I thought it was cool. K. 

Intah-view with Urs TrOoOoOoLy xOxO

I don't usually do these, but I actually think they're really fun. 

*Insert joke here about how I used to do these daily and post them as notes on myspace*

I obviously haven't changed much. 

K. 

1. My favorite piece of art that I own is....well, I don't own any actual art, but you know, I have this wall in my room that is pretty much my favorite wall evah because it has all the coolest quotes/bible verses on it and a bunch of awesome pictures that remind me of wonderful memories and stuff. So I'm pretty fond of that wall. <3

2. The most expensive bill I paid last month was rent. Fun. 

3. The last thing I apologized for was for forgetting to call my bff Hannah. She's really cool and nice and stuff so of course she forgave me, no prob. #bestielove

4. My favorite color is blue and sometimes it's something weird like gray or brown, but only because they seem to make other colors like blue so much cooler and prettier.

5. My health....hm....is probably a 7. I mean, there's nothing wrong with me, I don't have any diseases as far as I know. However, I know that I need to exercise more and eat less chocolate and cookies. I also need to sleep more. But 7 aint so bad, right? (:

6. I maybe would've read a little bit I guess. 

7. I mean, I don't usually have that attitude, of seeing people as having to be "dealt with," but one issue I wish I wouldn't have had to deal with today is scheduling for work. I've been feeling a little bit over worked and taken advantage of and I feel like a lot of boundaries are being crossed. I want to be able to do everything I can to help out, but it stinks when your work, even if you love it, starts to overtake your personal life. 

8. Uh, like 32 inches or something close to that. I don't much care for that there kind of stuff. ;) 

9. I went to bed much too late last night. Like around 2am. Again, I need to get more sleep. 

10. Todayyy I bought a few things! Breakfast burritos at sonic, a scrapbook box for my sister, and a case of Diet Coke for mi madre. 

11. I wish I had a husba- wait, did I say that? I mean, it's what almost every girl thinks. Don't get me wrong, I am really happy the way I am, being single. I'm serious! But I'm just being super honest and saying that I do dream about getting married! What can I say, I'm a 20 yr old girl with Pinterest and 985439 friends who are getting married so yeah, I think about it. But I only a little bit wish that. Just a little. Sometimes. 

12. I didn't take any pictures today except for one selfie that I took on snapchat and immediately deleted forever bc well I don't want to completely shatter every ounce of dignity I have, you know? My hair wasn't looking very good.

13. Ugh, I do wish you wouldn't have asked that question because I'm reading When God Writes Your Love Story and now you probably think that I'm a boy-crazy teenie bopper who's going to college for her MRS degree, but THAT'S NOT TRUE OKAY. The only reason I'm reading this book is because I didn't have many options and I read it a few years ago and wanted to see if my thoughts about the book have changed since then. I'm seriously not desperate to get married or fall in love. I'm not. 

I'm not.

14. Okay, now lets bring up my lack of proper sleep again. I got about 5 1/2 hrs of sleep last night. I could've used a few more, but hey I took a nap today so if you add on that hour, then I got close to 7 which is perfectly acceptable, right? 

15. A day off? But it's okay. I'm very thankful for my job, so I'm not really complaining. 

16. I was in a SLEEPY mood today. (: Which means pretty zombie-like. But it was a good day.

17. I tried using some essential oils! Peppermint and Lemon...I think essential oils are awesome and I look forward to seeing how I can use them more!

18. My biggest hope is that I live a life I can be confident about. I know it's cheesy, but I want to be a good person and I want to be a godly woman. That's what I hope for. 

19. Ugh you know what has challenged my morals? Me. Because I'm selfish! Working on it day by day.

20. Oh man, haha. My 2000 Nissan Altima DIED, so I'm now driving my dad's 1998 Buick Century, which means I should probably be allowed to sign up for AARP or something like that right? 

I actually like the car though, further proving that I should at least get a senior discount at the movies. 

21. One dog - Super Cooper. He's fat and awesome. Hehe (: 

22. I....need....to...buy....hmmm....food for my apartment. uhhh....probably some gas for my car....and....a birthday present for my roommate!

23. Today I felt really secure knowing that my family loves me. 'Nuff Said. ;)

24. I definitely made a difference in my sister's life because I bought her a scrapbooking box, so that's obviously going to change her life and make it much better/easier/awesomer. 

25. My super power is the power of awkward. The ability to ward off bad people with my supreme weird-ness. Yeah, it's pretty cool. 

26. My work schedule. :( I miss my friends! But it's okay. Things will calm down soon enough and I'm working on setting up a FEW boundaries so that I don't work every single day of the week always.

27. I don't know, today was pretty good! Maybe some time with one of my friends? 

28. My future stresses me. Sometimes I'm afraid that I won't have the strength to do what I'm called to do in the future. But I try not to dwell on tomorrow, but focus on today and the next step ahead. Phew.

29. Didn't have it this year. And oh, it's not February. Whoops. 

Well, that was fun! I'll probably read this in a couple of years and think I gave really dumb answers. That's the fun part! HoOoOray. 

Love.

For When I'm Jealous

You know the feeling.

That feeling you get when the most naturally beautiful, the most adorably sweet, and the absolute most quirky and cute girl around giggles while talking to that boy you think is kinda cool. That feeling of desperation to prove you can be better than that. That feeling of desperation to find something wrong with her so that you'll feel better about yourself. That burning inside your chest of bitterness because she has everything you want.

Sometimes it's a stranger. Other times it's a classmate, or a co-worker. And even sometimes it's one of your best friends. And you know they're great people and that you actually really like them, but you can't help but hate them because of their undeniable perfection.

Maybe you see a picture of a friend with a really cute outfit and you try to convince yourself that they're selfish for spending money on cute clothes.

Maybe you see a girl who is really funny and makes everyone laugh and try to say that she's obnoxious and has to have all the attention to herself.

Or maybe there's a girl with a fabulous talent that everyone admires and adores, but you deny her talent and tell yourself that she's really not good at all and people just think she's pretty or something.

But the reality is, if you weren't so discontent with yourself in the first place, you wouldn't have to criticize these young women around you. In fact, you might even enjoy witnessing the gifts that God has bestowed upon them, and praise God for making each of us unique and lovely in our own way.

Maybe you'd look at the girl with the cute outfit and thank God for allowing us to find pleasure in symmetry and color patterns and texture.

Maybe you'd see the funny girl and have a wonderful time laughing along at her jokes and thank God for laughter and friendship and light-hearted community.

And maybe you'd see that girl with talent and worship the Maker of her talent and encourage her on to use it as a tool to glorify God our Father.

But you'll miss out on all of that because you're not okay with who you are. But listen to me for a second, because it is not okay to not be okay with yourself. It's selfish and hurtful, to you and everyone around you. I know it hurts to not be okay with your personality, body, or talents, but I really need you to be strong for a second, because we're about to press into that pain and watch it vanish when confronted by the truth of God.

Let's go back in time. A very long time ago, a man named Samuel was looking for a man to name king. He saw a beautiful, strong man who he thought surely was blessed by God to be king. But God responds with a word that sheds light on the truth of what makes a man truly remarkable.

 “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

God reveals to Samuel that shallow perception based on physical appearance and such is foolish man's way of judging. But there is a great King in heaven above that judges with great wisdom, and his judgment is based on our heart. 

I know you think that's cliche and silly, but if that's what you think, then really you're saying that God's judgment about you is less valuable and valid than the cute boy sitting next to you.

Peter reminds us of God's unique way of looking at us in 1 Peter. He says, "Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

Beautiful jewelry and hair is of no value to the King of this Universe. What he desires is a servant with a spirit of gentleness and humility.

This is precious to God himself.

Or have you forgotten the importance of pleasing God, and not men? Young daughter of God, remember that you cannot serve two masters! Will you continue to chase the world's love and praise by altering your body and personality to please mere men? Or will you step into the kingdom of God as you are, with an open heart to strive to please the One who has created and loved you since before time began? Will you come to Him ready to let him change you? He won't make your nose smaller and he won't take away the wrinkles on your face, but he will take the bitterness in your heart and turn it to love and grace. He will take the anger inside of you and turn it to mercy and joy. He will transform your heart of stone into a beating heart of flesh, overflowing with a spring of life.

Let go of the world's standards.

Thank God for the unique personality he adorned you with. Look at yourself in the mirror and recognize that humans in their most natural form are just STUNNING.  You have been fashioned and molded by a very mighty Creator and you are absolutely remarkable. The breath that fills your lungs with each inhale of air is a miracle. And then look at the other humans around you. They're beautiful too. They were created by this same great God. You're different from all these other creatures around you, and that is good. 

You're name is Lauren Presley and were formed by God and that is good.

You're quiet and shy and sometimes have a hard time thinking of what to say in response to people. You're really silly and easy going and you love to laugh at other people's jokes. Sometimes you say things that sound really stupid but sometimes you're surprisingly funny. That's just your unique personality. Those things don't really matter to God, though! They're just the individual features you were born with! But there is a special, beautiful, and incredible way that God's spirit can UNIQUELY FLOW out of you THROUGH those characteristics.

The way that joy flows out of you will look completely different from that "funny girl." The way forgiveness and mercy spring from within you will not match the way it might look coming from the woman who is talented and outgoing.

But it is not those surface traits that God sees. He doesn't even see the talent or personability as the important defining factor of who you are. He truly is looking for you to bear fruit. And that is something that is under your control.

You're name is Lauren Presley and God has fashioned you to reflect his goodness. He has literally created you as a crazy unique incredible mirror of his perfection.

"Be perfect therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matthew 5:48

Jesus says this after talking about God's love for ALL men. This is perfection. And God desires for you to be a very unique image of his love. Every. Single. One. of us is absolutely different and quirky, which is AMAZING because that means God's love looks different through EACH of us.

Do not try to change your surface level traits. They are all bestowed on you as a filter that makes God's love unique coming out of you. 

Instead, put your focus and energy and time and determination into developing and growing your Christ-like, God-given LOVE for mankind. The greater this love grows, the more it compliments your specific and unique personality and physical traits, and the more you become exactly who God CREATED you to be.

You're name is Lauren Presley and you are fearfully and wonderfully made. This is truth.

"Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness."

OH, how He loves. And Oh, how He has created us to love.

When Storms Begin to Rage

Sometimes storms rage all around us.

A lot of times, these torrents are external. They're the circumstances of life that we cannot control. But today, a storm rages within me. It's a whirlwind of pent-up feelings that I never seemed to deal with, and now they've been picked up as the damaging debris of this tornado ravaging through my heart.

Jesus, calm this storm.

There's not much you can do about an outward storm. Like I said, those are mostly things that are out of our control. Inward storms are a different story. This is a result of my lack of dealing with the issues at hand. This can be fixed.


How can this be fixed?

I'll go to the source of peace and rest. I will pray and seek and listen for truth from God. Truth that will help me get to the bottom of my brokenness. Truth that will help me realize why I am so mad that my roommate keeps turning the thermostat to 68 degrees. Truth that will show the reason I cried when my best friend moved to San Francisco and didn't text me for four days. Truth that will whisper in my ear why I have been so deeply feeling an absence of love and why I've been searching so desperately for someone - anyone - to fill that void.

I need to visit the well of life, to bring vibrancy to my wellspring of life. I'll search my heart, search God's Word, and listen intently for this life-giving spring of wisdom.

Father, speak to my heart today. Reveal to me the inward longings of my heart. Convict me of my sin and lead me to repentance, that you may honored.

All glory be to God our King. All glory be to You.

Because Oh, How You Love.