To Seek the Praise of Man

I hate cell phones.

Or maybe I should just be honest and say it's not so much the physical cell phone that I hate as the anxiety that comes with constant, unending, night-and-day communication with a world full of well-meaning, sometimes-annoying, SUFFOCATING people.

I feel like such a jerk.

I've always loved people and have called myself a people person. But lately I feel like a recluse. I'm constantly yearning for a retreat away from people and commitments, away from the stress of trying to please everyone....


Ah. There it is.


I'm a people pleaser. 

Being a people pleaser is exhausting.



It's also wrong.



There's something inside me that says being a people pleaser is good because it means I just want to make others happy and comfortable. But the secret inside a people-pleaser's heart is that the pleasing isn't for others, its for...well....me.


I want to be comfortable. I want to be held up high on a pedestal. I want everyone to love me and adore me. I want to morph into a different person for each situation so that every single person I meet will think I'm amazing and will never oppose anything I say or do and I'll never have to feel weird or awkward or uncomfortable.

It's all about me.



My heart is full of selfishness and pride.


I am my own idol.

Oh, what sadness fills my heart at the sound of those words. I have set myself up as God and have disregarded what the one true God thinks and lifted up the opinions of man and held them up as worthy of my worship and desire and seeking and striving.






Soul-friend, I'm tired of striving.


I feel every day like I'm going to die. It feels like dehydration, an anxiety attack, nausea, and having a baby all at once. Like my body is just going to stop and fall under the weight of all the pressure I've placed upon myself.


There are certain people I avoid like the plague. And the reason? Well I try to tell myself that it's because they're needy and annoying, but truly it's because these are the people I'm most afraid that I won't get approval from. The people I know I have differences with and I know they wouldn't like it if they knew it.


I can't be liked by everyone.



I'm not called to be liked by everyone.

I have to lay myself down.



I have to give up my worship of self. My idol of self. My slavery to self.


Being a slave to myself and to acceptance is miserable. It lays heavy weights around my neck and cripples me and takes my joy away in a second.


I'm a liar.

I will twist and deceive so that people see the version of me I want them to see.


I'm done lying.

Why do I live in fear of man? Why do I care more about what people say than what my Creator and Father says?

Abba, I lay myself down. I'm not going out to seek the praise of men, but I go out in Jesus' name to make your name known and to spread your kingdom with every action.


Abba, please forgive me of my selfishness. For the lying and deceiving. I'm sorry for the way I've tied myself down and shunned your grace and freedom. Please forgive me, Father, and show me how to live. Please guide me with your Spirit and teach me to seek your approval rather than the approval of man. Please teach me how to be honest and how to be real and not be obsessed with my own image.



I will find freedom in seeing truth today. Thank you, Oh God, for showing me the innermost troubles of my heart and revealing the roots of those troubles. You are good, and oh my soul, how You love.