Life in the Struggle

"Hallelujah we are free to struggle." Tenth Avenue North



My blogposts lately have been marked primarily by struggle. This month actually marks a very significant time in my life. This time last year was the beginning of a LOT of deep, internal struggle that manifested itself in many different ways. It's amazing to me to be a year removed from the onset of this and see what things have changed and what has remained. It's crazy to think that it's been an entire year of constant battling. You'd think I would be exhausted, drained from the energy of questioning my every belief and having my heart trampled multiple times (and by multiple, I mean MANY, MANY times). You'd think I'd be just about ready to give up. If someone told me at this point last year what the next 12 months were going to look like, I wouldn't believe that I would survive it. No way. I won't make it. I'll lose every ounce of strength I have. I will die of exhaustion. The interesting thing is that none of this is true.




I feel so alive.





So struggle has been the theme. Mistakes. Failures. Regrets.



But let me tell you. There is BEAUTY in the struggle. Not AFTER the struggle, but smack dab right in the middle of every heartache and pain you're facing. Right in the worst of the worst, there is a sweeping, powerful beauty that will transform your very being.


Every perfect and wonderful gift that I have received in the past year has been a direct result of tragedy.

"The Bible says that if you seek God, you will find Him. That's a lie. I've sought after God and He is not here. The Bible says that God will never leave you, but I'm alone. God's word is a lie."

Those words came from my mouth. Yep, I remember them well. I remember all too well the stab of pain as my last source of comfort was ripped from my hands. I remember the final culmination and realization that all my sins and failures were caving in on me, and I felt alone in the battle.

I remember denying God.

Would  you dare to believe with me that in these moments when we believe God to be the farthest away, that He is actually the most present?

As I look back, I am able to see that in fact this WAS when God was most present. God was directly intervening in my life at this moment. He was answering a prayer that I had prayed shortly before this day to "tear down my idols, take what you must in order to show me who you are." Sometimes I get angry at God for answering my prayers. "Okay, yes, I asked for this, but I didn't know it would include THAT." Oh gosh, as I'm writing this it's revealing to me some of the complaints I've had recently that are a result of God answering prayers. Funny how we never seem to learn our lesson.

The point is, maybe the presence of struggle and pain in our lives is not indicative of the absence of God. Perhaps these battles are evidence of His presence. Why in the world do we feel so empty all of the time? Why do I wake up with anxiety literally flooding my body? Why is rest so elusive? Why do I feel numb and void of emotion? Why is everything falling apart? Why don't I have any control?

Perhaps in this place, we are able to take off our blinders and see God for who He truly is. If you've asked God to reveal Himself to you, if you've sought after God, searched Him out, longed for Him, and you find that everything in your life is going wrong, take a step back. In this place where you might claim that God has left you, are you so sure that He's not in the very room? Are you so sure that He's not in the midst of this, tearing down the idols of your life, so that you can see Him more clearly? So that you can be satisfied by Him and Him alone? Because honestly, can satisfaction be found in anything else? (If your answer to that is yes, read my last post about being a slave to anything other than Christ).



These are just some thoughts. I realized that though most of my posts are me talking through my struggles, every single one of them is characterized by one thing - the constancy of God. His faithfulness to satisfy my every desire and quench my every thirst.


Savor today His presence. In the middle of whatever strife you're dealing with, take in the fragrance of His closeness, of His jealousy for you. Allow Him to captivate you in this place.


Because this is the good place.


The day of happiness will come. There will be a day soon enough that flows with ease, when the sun shines and the birds chirp and your heart cannot contain the fullness of God's glory. But if that day is not today, find rest in the promises of God. Know that "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18).


Think about the cross. What greater tragedy has the world known than Righteousness and Love itself hung upon a sinner's cross? But also, what greater beauty has the world known than that of redemption and grace, made possible through the death of Christ? What tragedies are we trying to escape that God wants to use for our ultimate good? Because we know that God works all things for the good of those who are in Christ, who have been called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).


Savor this place. Because this is the good place.

Savor His love. His closeness, His presence. His love for you is unmatched, His jealousy for you will destroy your idols. His passion for you will draw you close. He's calling us into the Secret Place, into communion with Him. Will you follow?

Oh, How He Loves..