Not About Me

The biggest source of anxiety for me is built around the idea that the ultimate value of my life is based on just doing "what makes me happy."

I totally understand why this phrase has become so popular. If you let other people control your life and never just step out and do what you feel is right, you'll probably have some regrets. So, why did this mantra leave me feeling so full of anxiety and fear?

So when we think of this idea of doing what makes us happy or listening to our heart, a few things come to mind. First of all, love. Love who you want to love, take risks, marry who your heart tells you is the one. Career. Find something fulfilling, be successful, rise to the top, follow your dreams, make it happen.

I'll stop there. You can't go wrong with these things, right? I mean, that's pretty much the lesson behind every Hallmark and Lifetime movie ever created. Find the perfect guy, do what you love, lalala rainbows puppies babies OMG.

Welp. This is where it gets kind of weird because I think I realized that the world's been lying to us.

I mean, maybe it's just me, but this whole "Do what makes you happy" thing has time and time again left me feeling like a failure. Like, it should be so simple. Just choose what you feel is right and chase after it and you'll end up with a really great story about perseverance and love.

But what happens when you mess up? Like, what if you're totally crushing on this guy and you're just too scared to take a risk and before you know it, the window of opportunity is closed, never to return again? Or what if you finally get the interview you've been waiting for pretty much your entire life but your alarm doesn't go off and you don't have time to take a shower and all you can think about is yesterday's mascara that is totally smudged all around your eyes so you basically bomb the interview and destroy all of your life's dreams?

Because let's be honest, you don't always get a second chance like they always do in Lifetime movies. The guy doesn't always realize "what he's missing," coming back with a grand display of adoration to sweep you off your feet once and for all. In fact, it's downright rare.

So if none of these things seem to be working out for you, are you a failure at life? Even if the world tries to say, "Oh no, of course you're not a failure," it looks to me as if it's really shouting yes.

So I start to think about how I can be happy, what I can chase after. Sometimes I even say things that sound really good and convincing like, "I'll volunteer more" or "I'll read my Bible more." But ultimately those things still leave room for emptiness and feelings of failure. Because some days I can't convince myself that reading the Bible will make me happy and some days I feel like my volunteer efforts are shallow and in vain.

Is there a solution? Is there a point we're all missing? I think there is.

Maybe life ISN'T about my happiness. Maybe the ultimate value of my life is NOT based upon how well I chose everything in order to create a life that I was satisfied with. Maybe it's not about avoiding pain and maybe it's not even about me....at all....

The most comforting realization I've coming to lately is that life is about giving God glory. Life in general is about God. God is the giver of life and all of creation testifies of his grandeur. My life was not made to be enjoyed by me, but it was made to magnify the goodness of a holy and perfect God.

The fact that this realization brings such peace and comfort to me is actually really surprising. But maybe, just maybe it points to another fact that this is what I was CREATED for. I wasn't just made and plopped onto earth to try to make the best of what I'm given and be "happy." I was specifically created to be used as a vessel to magnify the Most High God.

So when I have thoughts of the potential of being single the rest of my life, I now realize that it doesn't matter because my life isn't about my relationship status. It's not about my job. It's not about how good of a person I am or how happy I am. It's about looking upon and savoring my Beautiful King and doing whatever it takes - not to make me happy - but to make much of Him. And the funny thing about doing what you were CREATED to do....It ends up with a deep, deep satisfaction and joy that the best Hallmark movie cannot capture.

So I lay down the idols of my happiness willingly. They have brought me anxiety and fear. And I trade them for an eternity of worship of the one true king. My King. Eternal communion with a God that has ravished my heart and left me breathless in awe of His majesty. The fact that He allows me to be a part of the symphony of praise surrounding Him makes me want to shout from the rooftop, "Oh, How He Loves!"

How deeply and well He does love.