Doubts

This post is somewhat old. I just typed it out about a month ago and kept it on my computer. Here are some of the thoughts I've been sifting through and searching out over the past few weeks. <3 


I've had an unshakeable faith my entire life.

Until now.

Which, I've discovered is due to the fact that my faith wasn't in what I thought it was in. I thought my faith was in God - in the God of the Bible - Yahweh.

Eh, nope. My faith wasn't in God. My faith was in myself. I worshipped myself. I had spurts of wanting to follow God, but in the end I did what I wanted, pursued what I wanted, and ignored any conviction that came my way. I wanted to be a good person, but that was just so people would praise and worship....ME.

Slowly I've started to realize this over the past few months. And so I've been making little changes - like not trying to entice people with my appearance, not thinking of myself more highly than others, trying to give people what they ask and be selfless and all that stuff that we say we're supposed to do but never actually do.

And then I dropped out of college.

And the next day, I woke up.

And I thought....I have NEVER questioned my belief in God. I've never questioned my belief that there IS a God. And what if I'm wrong? And what if I'm changing my life based on something that isn't even true?

Is there a God?

Who is He? Is He the God of the Bible? Yahweh? If so, who is Jesus? Is He God? Does He really have authority to forgive sins and offer eternal life like he says he does? Why do I believe the Bible, anyway?

How am I supposed to live? Am I supposed to follow some specific rules or are there just general guidelines? Can I do whatever I want? What DO I want?

I guess you could say that I'm having a slight identity crisis.

So, let me fill you in on what's going through my head.

I don't know who God is.

I don't know why I'm here. I don't know what my purpose is. I don't know if I even have a real purpose. I don't know if someone is watching what I do and keeping a record of it. I don't know if I was created or if I just poofed into existence. I don't know if Jesus was/is actually God. I don't know if the Bible is true.

But there are a few things I DO know.

I know that there is truth. I may not know what it is, but I know truth exists. I know that my relationships are real, and that they matter. I know that people matter. I know that the commands in the Bible (whether it's "true" or not) are good. I know that there is no better way to live than the way Jesus laid out for us to live. I know that this Kingdom Jesus talks about is a kingdom that I wish I could be a part of. I know that living justly, loving mercy and walking humbly is a wonderful (but hard) way to live. I know that helping the helpless makes me feel alive. I know that doing "wrong" makes me feel dead. And I know that joy is never far off and depression never lasts.

I know that no matter who you are - good or evil, smart or dumb, rich or poor, selfless or greedy, alone or surrounded, young or old - you are allowed joy and pleasure. The great majesty of the mountains is there for anyone to behold. The rush of a river or the ocean waves is out there for anyone to hear. The softness of the breeze can be felt by each of us.

And if it's a God who created those things and allows us - ALL of us - to experience them.....

then Oh my, How He Loves.