Beauty, Grace, and Heartache

Life is so full of paradoxes.

And you know, sometimes I really wonder why.

Why is every good thing tainted by something icky? But on the flipside, it's good because every bad thing is shadowed with life and brilliance.

Contradictions teach us. We can never understand how truly wonderful peace and joy are until we experience sorrow and grief.

Life is so hectic for me right now. Nothing is what I ever thought it would be. I always thought that by this point in my life, I'd be almost finished with college, have a serious boyfriend (that I would soon marry), I would have plenty of money stored away and well on my way to a picture perfect life. However, I've chosen to stray from that and now. Well. I'm a college drop-out pursuing midwifery, I'm single with no prospects (and will probably keep it that way for a LONG time), and I have much less money and material possessions than before.

Now don't get me wrong, I chose this. I specifically decided that I didn't want that shallow, "picture-perfect" life and instead wanted to follow Christ. But even so, it hasn't been exactly what I imagined, and it definitely hasn't been easy.

So life is crazy. I have no idea where I'll be in the next year, much less the next 10 years. I don't know if I'll ever get married or if I'll be good at midwifery. I don't know if I'll be living in NW Arkansas or even in America at all. I don't even know who God is anymore or why in the world I'm even here.

But it's so, so weird because while I don't know ANYTHING anymore, I have this weird sensation that I know everything that I need to know. It doesn't make any sense, but not much does anymore. I just feel like I know enough to live in this moment and that is good. I feel anxiety and fear and anger and bitterness, and I feel joy and peace and love and contentment. I feel cursed and I feel blessed.

I guess I'm a little confused.

But at the same time I'm not.

Life is so complex yet so simple. Why are we here, what are we supposed to be doing, who is God, who am I? I don't know. But I know that I'm alive and I'm called to serve and love and give.

I feel so alone yet I feel so blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful friends and loved ones. I feel plain and ugly yet I feel like a princess adorned with jewels. I feel awkward and uncomfortable yet I feel at home and at peace.

God is so silent yet he is so present.

So there is beauty all around, contrasted by poverty and pain. There is grace abounding, contradicting the bitterness and unforgiveness that plagues our hearts. There is unending heartache and suffering, yet an ever-present and constant source of healing and life accessible to all.

Paradox.

"He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it." Matt. 10:39

Let us lose our lives for your sake. Because oh, How You Love.