I literally have a zillion thoughts inside of my brain right now so I'm going to do my best to form a somewhat coherent blog post out of this mess.
All aboard the struggle bus.
Um. Where do I begin?
Well, I started reading back through some of my old blog posts and let me tell you, it feels like I'm reading about someone else's life. Because that part of me feels SO FAR GONE. Like, posts from earlier this year feel like they happened decades ago. I read through my thoughts, feelings, dreams, aspirations, beliefs, concerns, hopes, and triumphs and only one thought passed through my mind:
What.
Happened.
Reader, my life is a mess. Please understand that when I say this, I'm not exaggerating. My life is so messy right now, that even Mr. Clean himself could offer me no hope! I guess I'll tell you about it.
Good grief, this is going to be a long post.
Okay, so, several months ago I started seriously examining my life - particularly my faith in God. I learned more about what Jesus Christ of the Bible actually taught and how that should translate into my life and I had a couple of really solid examples of what that looked like. I talked to people and read and searched and I started changing. It started with little things. I stopped wearing make-up because I realized it was a way for me to draw attention to my outward appearance while masking inward filth. I started dressing more modestly because I saw that my wardrobe was full of figure-flattering stumbling blocks for my brothers in the faith. I started loving my family and doing things for them with joy. And then I made a decision that I NEVER thought I'd actually go through with.
I dropped out of school in mid-September. My entire life my identity has been carefully wrapped in my academic achievements. I used to love to google "Lauren Presley Bentonville, AR" and watch as dozens of links popped up announcing different awards and titles I had been given. I especially took pride in my ability to maintain a decent social life while doing all of these "great" things to help humanity. I had lots of friends and all their parents adored me and lots of boys liked me and I was drinking in every ounce of goodness that life had to offer.
It all sounds like vanity, doesn't it? Well, that's what I realized. I realized that I was pretending to follow Jesus Christ but really I was pursuing my own grandeur and recognition. I realized that I had a very "worldly" mindset and that nothing I had achieved would follow me into heaven.
So, naturally, I quit school.
Now, this is where light-hearted me would typically interject with a "my life is a joke" joke. Yeah, normally I would do that, except for the fact that this joke has gone entirely too far.
When I stopped wearing make-up, people stopped telling me that I'm pretty. Boys stopped talking to me. When I stopped doing my hair every day, I felt gross and boys continued to ignore me. When I started dressing modestly my friends told me that I needed to look cuter and well, BOYS DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO ME. All of this is somewhat humorous to me and it doesn't really bother me all that much, it mostly just makes me realize how naive I was to think people were so genuine and liked me for my spirit.
(Okay, not everyone responded this way, but a shocking amount, in fact, did.)
But when I dropped out of school because I felt like I wasn't pursuing God's kingdom, I became a disappointment. I became a waster of talent, money, and opportunity. A failure. My perfect little kingdom that I had spent so many years to carefully building up with achievements and successes began to crumble to the ground.
This all stunned me. It made me ask questions I've never thought about and look at things I've always chosen to ignore. It took a foundation away from me that I thought was immovable.
But my faith in God made me feel strong. It gave me peace and assurance and vision. I held fast to it.
Until I realized that it was gone.
It hit me like a semi-truck speeding on I-540. I woke up one day to a question I wish didn't exist. Do I even believe in all of this? Do I actually believe God is real? Do I legitimately think Jesus Christ is calling me to lose my life so that I can find it?
The consensus came in as a resounding I DON'T KNOW.
So this is a great position to be in. I just completely changed pretty much absolutely everything in my life for a God that I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I BELIEVE. For a faith that I don't even know is real. For a man that I. DO. NOT. KNOW.
And what once was a vision of taking up my cross to fervently follow Jesus Christ while serving the widow and orphan and caring for the helpless with a deep, overflowing love for a beautiful savior and Lord quickly became a heaping pile of confused thoughts mixed with a lot of ugly feelings and a broken compass for life. This all started about 6 weeks ago.
And I haven't gotten anywhere.
I'm literally in the exact same place and I've done nothing. I've worked and spent time with friends and have done some good stuff, but I'm just as lost as I was 6 weeks ago. I'm literally wandering out here alone. I don't fit in ANYWHERE and I don't have any sort of foundation to even think about building upon as I move forward in life.
And I can't help but remember some words that I once heard spoken that "God never leads you into the desert to kill you."
And as I can't help but remember those words I also can't help but think that they are completely and totally, absolutely, without a doubt, infinitely and abundantly FALSE. Or at least it feels like it.
Because I once believed that if I could just take one step at a time that things would turn out okay. I once thought that if I could just make it through the night, I could make it through the storm. But here I am and I literally don't even think I have the strength to take one more step. I'm in the driest desert I've ever known and the idea of refreshing waters has become such a foreign concept to me that I have actually ceased to believe in its existence. And so I cannot help but believe that God has led me into this desert, in fact, to absolutely annihilate me.
Because what if I really don't even want to take another step? What if I don't really care if I make it through the storm because it's not like that side of things is gonna be any less confusing and messy?
And really, if the Bible says that God is near to the broken hearted, then why do I feel so abjectly alone and abandoned? Because if the most pleasing sacrifices to God are a broken spirit and a contrite heart, then why does he remain so frustratingly silent?
Sometimes I just wish I could go back. I wish I could un-learn everything I've soaked up in the last 6 months and just be stupid again. I wish I could just be a self-glorifying, naive, vain, clueless dummy like I was when I was so captivated by all of life's beauty and glory and lightness. I wish I could wear a pair of skinny jeans and not feel evil or watch a TV show and not think about how terribly I'm wasting my life.
Because sometimes ignorance truly is bliss. Sometimes it's better to be blind and go on believing that life is about being happy and having a grand ol' time and making everyone laugh and stuff. I look back at my blog posts and journal entries and see such an honest love for who I believed God to be. I see such a light-hearted adoration for life itself and such a strong-willed desire to soak up every good thing in life and then pass it on to everyone else around me. And I don't understand why that was taken from me.
I still don't really know anything about life or God or what in the world I think I'm doing. The more I learn, the less I know.
I don't know if God is real or if he listens to my prayers or if He cares that I'm dying. I don't know if He plans on coming to save me at the last second to revive my faith and restore my joy. I don't know if I'll ever make something of myself or if a boy will ever want to marry someone frumpy and unkempt like me. I don't know if Jesus was telling the truth when he said that if I lose my life for His sake, I'll find it.
Because I lost pretty much everything in order to pursue his kingdom and I still feel pretty empty and scared. I still feel pretty alone. So I just don't know what to believe.
But since I always seem to find a way to end my blog posts on a happy note, I'll just add that I like November air. It's crisp and it blows with untamed freedom and passion. I'll also add that if God is real and true, that He is infinitely merciful and patient with my wandering and cluelessness.
And I long to believe that He is true, and that He Loves Us.
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