Lose Control

I learned something very important - but also very alarming - about myself this year.

There are certain "truths" in my mind that define the way I live. I guess this is called a worldview. Some of these truths are actually true, but others of them are complete lies. I usually recognize the lies because they leave me feeling hopeless and alone, filled with anxiety. These are never feelings that come with the truth of God. However, this year, I discovered a deep-seeded belief within me that left me feeling anxious and afraid, but the more I thought about it, I discovered that I still believed it was true. And yes, to this day, I believe it is true.

So what do I do with this belief that has proven itself true, but brings grief and fear into my life?

Well, let's start with what this belief is and how I came to believe it.

It started with rejection. There have been so many times in my life where I have had a friend that I loved so much and longed for them to love me, too. But it seemed like the more I cared, the less they did. The more grace I showed them, the more they took advantage of me and abused me. It seemed like every time I put my whole heart into a relationship - romantic or not - I came out feeling alone and abandoned. Rejected.

So, eventually, over time I learned this simple truth:

Whoever cares less in a relationship...has control.

It's a very straightforward and somewhat obvious truth. If you care less than the other person, you have nothing to lose. They will do what you want them to and you will always feel like the one being pursued. If you care less, you don't have to worry about rejection. You're the one doing the rejecting.

I felt this deeply in my heart for several years and wasn't able to materialize it in words until last year. I realized it while in a fight with one of my best friends. It was EASIER for me to harden my heart and not care. To say, "whatever" and let them go because I could find someone just like them. But something about that didn't feel right. I discovered this belief I had and immediately condemned it as a lie. But the more I thought about it, I realized that there actually is a very important truth in this.

I do believe this truth. If you care less, you have more control.

If you care more, you lose control and make yourself vulnerable to hurt, loneliness, and anxiety.

I am a woman. I hate giving up control.

But something within me stirred. I discovered this truth, yet I did not truly desire to stop caring in relationships. I remember having a conversation with my mentor and telling her that I would rather put my whole heart into a relationship and get hurt than harden my heart and having many passion-less, empty friendships.

Because relationships are not about controlling someone. In fact, they are about giving up our selfish desires in order to encourage and walk with someone. You cannot truly care for someone while trying to maintain complete control.

So, yes, what I discovered I still consider to be truth. And yes, it sometimes brings me great fear and anxiety to think of the possibility of pouring out all of my love to someone who will turn the other way and forget me when things get rough. To think of loving someone through all their quirks and mistakes but then having them reject me for my own short-comings.

However, it was not this truth that mattered. It was what I did with it that mattered. And it is what YOU do with it that matters.

Do we hear this truth and decide to harden our hearts to the world in order to preserve ourselves? Or do we follow the example of our Great Lover, Jesus Christ, and make ourselves vulnerable to rejection in order to love fully and completely, holding nothing back?

I want to love like Christ loves. I want to pour myself out and expect nothing in return.

So what fills us when we do (and we will) face this rejection? God himself. Oh, how familiar He must be with the pain of rejection. How many times have I left Him to pursue a cheap imitation of his goodness? So, when you feel lonely and abandoned by the people you give everything to, run to the Great Provider, the One who never stops giving, the One who is faithful when we are faithless (2 Tim. 2:13). Give Him your heart. Pour everything you have upon him like a fine oil and He is the ONE that will NEVER take advantage of you, who will never forsake you, who will never leave you empty. He will fill you each day with the grace and love you need to give to others. He is the fountain that never runs dry. He is your source. So give up control. Give up your pride. Run to Him and love Him and let His love flow through you out into the world...and maybe someone will see this incredible love and be turned back to the Father.

Because Oh My Soul...How He loves.