And the World Fades Away.

You know, I got on here to blog about the complications of my life and wondering about why I seem so stupid sometimes....but then the song "Your Love is Extravagant" by The Almost came on.

Oh man.

I just have to sit here and let this sink in.

So basically I feel like I'm a mess. But then I remember the deep, unimaginable love of my King...and everything fades away. Seriously, everything. And He's all I can see and suddenly nothing matters anymore. As long as I can spend all of my days gazing upon Your beauty...that's all I want and that's all I need. My life never makes more perfect sense than when I'm looking upon the cross.

"I find I'm moving to the rhythms of your grace, your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place. Your love is extravagant."

So, in Romans, Paul says "Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness."

(Romans 12:6-8 ESV)

Okay, so each of us has been given a spiritual gift by the grace of God, to the glory of His name. And for the past year I've been walking around acting like the gift of mercy that God has put in my heart was a burden. Why do I have to love people so uninhibitedly? Why does it seem like I'm foolishly accepting when it comes to loving people that have hurt me, trampled over me, and betrayed me? Why do people judge me when I'm just doing what I feel like is right? And why does my heart come out tattered in the end? Someone tries to control me and takes advantage of me, and I just look past it and invite them into my heart. For some that looks like foolishness. But let us not forget that Paul also says not all of the members of the body have the same gift.

So, just like I look at someone whose gift is discernment or prophecy or something like that, that I don't have, and I don't understand it! But does it mean that they're wrong? No! And if having mercy on people who many would say don't deserve to be in my life causes me to further understand the depths of God's mercy on myself...then isn't this actually a gift? If it magnifies His name, isn't it good?

What bounds should love have?


Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

(Romans 12:9-15 ESV)

If I can spend my days POURING myself out to people, I believe that would be the greatest gift God could grant me. Even if it means letting people into my life who "aren't worthy" in the eyes of the world. I think it's important to realize that we're COMPLETELY unworthy of God's love and grace. But really. LIKE LOOK AT IT, LOOK IT IN THE FACE FOR WHAT IT IS.

How blind could we be? If we harbor unforgiveness in our hearts, I believe that's the most deplorable thing we could do. But really. BUT REALLY.

"I've been dirtier than you wanna know."

Except God knows. He knows every dirty, disgusting, inconceivably bad thought I've ever had. He's seen the imbearable hatred I've held in my heart. He's witnessed my blasphemous narcissism. He was right there when I cursed Him to His face. When He reached out to take my hand, I TOLD HIM HE WAS NOT TRUE.

But he persisted.

He never gave up on me. He kept coming back. Kept calling me out. He has GRACE AND MERCY on me every day.

That's ridiculous. And this is the mercy He calls us to have on others. SO STOP MAKING EXCUSES. No, I'm serious. Why are we SO BLIND? Learn from the actions of our Creator. It's point blank obvious. Even so, my heart makes excuses, and I know yours does too. Right now, we're both coming up with exceptions.... "but this person did that" "but this" "but that"

BUT YOU. Look at yourself. And I'm talking to myself right now. Just. Take a look. With eyes that are open. And realize that God has shown you mercy that doesn't make sense. So, when I have mercy on others in a way that looks STUPID to the world around me, I don't have to be ashamed. Of course I'll be judged for it. It's not normal. It just isn't. But to tell someone that they're mercy on others is foolish or stupid....if it's reflective of the mercy that God himself has on us, the MOST undeserving before the MOST HIGH GOD, well...aren't you calling God Himself foolish?


Before you deny it, think about it.


It's stupid.





"Your love is extravagant. Your friendship is so intimate. I find I'm moving to the rhythms of your grace, your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place. Your love is extravagant."

I want to love extravagantly. And I will. By the grace of God.

"Spread wide in the arms of Christ is a love that covers sin. No greater love have I ever known, you consider me your friend. Capture my heart again."

Everything makes sense when I gaze upon my King. And the world fades away.

...Capture my heart again. Oh, how you love.

Relient K

Take a good look at yourself and knowYou've got yourself ways to goBut difficult is not impossibleYou can take back all the lost control
Take a good look at yourself and seeYou'll emerge eventuallyAs long as your heart's not too far goneFrom the only thing that can save you from yourself

Tremble

I'm bursting at the seams because of the insurmountable love of God.

There is just. There's nothing in this world that is worth holding on to when compared to the unexplainable depth of the greatness of God. His holiness. His justice. His grace and mercy.

"You love me, and that consumes me."

"It causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble."

Lovelovelovelovelovelove deep deep love! How He loves!

Green Pastures and Still Waters

Just a little reminiscing on the Greatness of God...

I really like to go to the park and go for walks by myself. It's so peaceful and it's really nice to just get away from the busy-ness of college life and just walk slowly for once, taking in the beauty around me.

There's also something very nostalgic about it for me. I've mentioned before that last summer was one of the hardest, driest seasons of my life. If I've ever been in a desert before, that was it. Every day was plagued by crippling anxiety. Even when everything was exactly how I wanted it, I still wasn't happy. I was debilitated by a fear that at any moment everything I loved could be stripped away from me. What I wanted had been ripped from my hands so many times, that I tightened my grip with an iron fist. I exerted so much energy holding onto the things I loved that I lost any energy to actually live. The pain I felt each morning was so present and real that I would wake up really early and wouldn't be able to fall back asleep because of the instant rush of anxiety that flooded my body the moment I opened my eyes. Thinking back to it now makes me realize that it is a miracle that I made it through this time in my life. There was one promise that I held onto, though:

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

I longed so badly to be filled by Christ, but I couldn't find peace or satisfaction anywhere. I lived each day with the goal to simply get through it as quickly and painlessly as I could. I knew that the quicker I got through the day, the sooner I would finally get to the day when I would find rest.

Psalm 23:1-3


The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
    He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
    He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
    for his name's sake.

So over the course of the summer, this what was happening in my life. I had no idea what was happening, but in retrospect, I see the promises of God being fulfilled in amazing ways.

The greatest coping mechanism I had during this time was to get alone in nature. I would go ride my bike, pull off by a creek, and walk along it, into the woods to a secret place. There I would read the Word, pray, pour my anxieties out, and just wait on the Lord. These were the only moments of peace I found.

In this very place, God himself allured me, brought me into the wilderness, and spoke tenderly to me (Hosea 2). He led me beside the still waters and green pastures, and brought rest to my weary soul. And as he called me out, He asked something of me that I thought I couldn't give. The one thing I had so tightly in my grip that I wasn't willing to give up. But He asked for it. I couldn't believe that He could take it from me yet again, but God does the unthinkable. But the beautiful thing is that all this time of leading me by the still waters and speaking tender words of mercy to me, He was changing my heart. He was preparing me for a path that I couldn't walk alone. So when the day came that He asked for the same thing He asked for several times before and I wouldn't give, I was finally able to give it freely. And in this place, I surrendered.

And peace flooded my soul.

He led me in the path of righteousness, for his name's sake.

And he continues now to call me to the wilderness. He ministers to me daily, preparing my heart for the path ahead. I continue to seek solace in His creation, meeting with Him in the secret place. And now those walks alone in the woods by the creek are flooded with joy and new life. I walk with peace and rest.

It amazes me that God is so invested in us. He spends Himself daily to comfort us and prepare us for the way ahead. The way that leads to life, and life to the fullest (John 10:10).

Ohhh, how He loves!

Rivers of Joy

"You revive me.

you revive me lord
And all my deserts are rivers of joy
You are the treasure, I could not afford
So I'll spend myself till' I'm empty and poor
All for you, you revive me lord
Lord I have see your goodness
And I know the way you are
Give me eyes to see you in the dark
And your face shines of glory
That I only know in part
And there is still a longing
A longing in my heart
You revive me
You revive me lord

And all my deserts are rivers of joy
you are the treasure, I could not afford
So I'll spend myself till' I'm empty and poor
All for you, you revive me lord
My soul lord is thirsty
Only you can satisfy
You're the well that never will run dry
And I thank you for the blessing
Of calling me your friend
And in you name I'm lifting up my hands

I'm alive, I'm alive
You breathe on me, You revive me"

How He loves!

I'm dying.

Sometimes I'm so filled and completely and passionately in love with my King that I think I might die.

That is all.

I'm in Love

I really wish I could explain to everyone how I feel right now.

Like, I wish I could just transfer all of my emotions into your very heart, put the spirit within me into your very bones.

There comes a point in life where you just can't go on with life without making a decision. For me, this point in my life has been the past few months.

It started with a broken heart and anger. God continually called me out, and over the past few months I have seen two paths emerge before me. Well. I've seen hundreds of paths come before me. With only one leading to the source of life.

Oh, if only I could explain how DEEP and FILLING and SATISFYING the Spirit of God is. I'm melting continuously in His embrace. I've known God since I was a child, but this is the first time in my life that I have DESIRED Him.

Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

This was my heart's cry for so long, with impure intentions. But somehow God turns impurity into beauty...he takes our filthy rags and turns them into crowns of gold. He makes beautiful things out of us.

Man...you know, for SO LONG I just ran in complete opposition to God. It's like the lyric "I'd rather fight you for something I don't really want than accept what you give that I need."

That was totally my life for the past 18 years. But God is so undeniably and unbelievably faithful. His love astounds, astonishes, and blows me away. Every day. His gospel is fresh and his mercies are new every morning.

So I just had to gush about that for a bit. I so desire for everyone to partake of the glory of the gospel, because it is so infinitely sweet! On and on and on it goes! Yes, it overwhelms and satisfies my soul!

As C.S. Lewis said...

"I am in love, and out of it I will not go!"

And oh, how He loves!

The Invisible Qualities of God

My friend Ty and I started a Discussion Group a few weeks ago with one of the Nav leaders, Caleb. It's a place where we meet and talk about the arguments for a god, if we agree with those arguments, how things in the Bible compare to other religions, and stuff like that. It's been so awesome going to this thing, and through it, God has been revealing Himself to me in the most unlikely of ways.

Last week, my friend Nicholas came. He's unitarian, I think. He doesn't believe in a god or creator, but he said something SO interesting. The topic last week was the idea that creation in and of itself is an argument for an intelligent creator. The cosmos and earth itself reflect the very being of God. They testify to his glory just by existing. Anyway, Nicholas said that there was always one thing that his faith couldn't explain. Things like Fibonacci's Sequence and The Golden Ratio just astound him. He said, "It's like there's....It's like there is a fingerprint all throughout creation. And it's the SAME fingerprint everywhere."


THAT JUST HAPPENED.


My heart fell to the ground when he said that. I was floored. GOD'S WORD IS TRUTH.
Romans 1:20 says "For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse."

Even Nicholas, who does not know God, sees the evidence of God all around him, and it's undeniable.

In Genesis 2 we see a little bit of God's handiwork in taking our breath away through nature, as he plants "trees that were pleasing to the eye" for his creation.

God delights us through his creation. It's there for EVERYONE to marvel at - even those who do not love Him. He is such a good God. And all of this is for the sake of His great name. Even those that do not know Him will marvel at His works, so that no man is without excuse! Nature is so genius! It's unfathomable to me that one could look at this creation around us and not be hit with the knowledge that there is a glorious Creator, divine in nature and glorious in being, that exists exalted high above us.

I've been able to just sit and bask in this good creation of God a lot lately. There's so much beauty surrounding us. I'm so thankful that God satisfies me in this way. I marvel at the earth, which causes me to sing praise to God, which is exactly what I was created to do. I was made for this one purpose, to exalt the Name that is above every name. And when I'm acting out my intended purpose, I'm deeply and fully satisfied by living water, because God allows me to have all that I desire, "namely Himself" as John Piper would say.


"At the stars in the night, I wonder.
At your lightning in the sky, I shudder.
Your glory is a blanket that covers every living thing.
I'm in awe at the majesty of who You are.
Your love is a seal burnt inside my heart.
All of the day I want to be where you are, Holy Father.

And it feels like there's not enough praise inside of me.
All these words, All my heart can sing is Holy.
You are Holy."


Oh, How He loves!

The Link

A couple of weeks ago I hit a really rough spot where things in my life just didn't seem to add up at all. I actually wrote about it in a previous post that you can read here. Basically, I just didn't understand why God had torn certain things out of my life and I didn't understand why I was so deeply broken and confused. A few days after that, I went for a really long drive. That night there was such a deep hurt and I just poured my heart out to God. My main question was "How could you take that part of me and then not fill it?" I knew that there was a reason that so many changes took place so quickly, but it felt like God had just left a gaping wound there, a huge void that I thought He wasn't filling.

I knew that wasn't true.

I knew that the real reason I felt so unfulfilled was because I wasn't allowing God to fill that spot. Even so, I was just confused about WHY things had to happen this way. A few nights ago, I found the link.

I was at Navs for worship, and the message was about the meaning of the Gospel to those who are already in Christ. The speaker said that before we're saved by grace, we are desperate and we have this attitude like, "I just can't do this on my own...it's impossible...I'll never be good enough!" And that's so right, we can't do it on our own, so we run to the arms of Jesus for our salvation. When we are saved, something interesting (and pretty ridiculous) happens. For some reason, we feel like now we can do things on our own. Like, we have this newfound strength within us that means we can do things independently of God.

Uh, wrong.

I need the Gospel of Christ JUST as much today as I needed it the day I was saved. When I was hearing all of this, it reminded me of a place I was not too long ago. Several months ago I was in a place of really deep frustration that brought such anxiety to my life. It seemed to me that I could not escape my sins. I prayed desperately that God would allow me the strength to overcome them and I didn't understand why I kept failing even after praying that. Well, I know now that the reason was I was trying to do it on my own. I had a list of sins to stay away from and essentially became very legalistic in the way I lived. And I failed. Every. Single. Day. And even worse, when I did "succeed," I felt empty and alone. I wasn't dependent upon the grace of God.

So anxiety plagued my life. Turns out, when you try to control your life and take the reins from God, peace is NO WHERE to be found. I remember journaling about this feeling of constant restlessness, wondering if true peaceful joy would ever find me. I wondered when I would wake up in the morning and NOT be stressed out. I couldn't remember the last time I was happy, and I didn't see any hope for this joy in the future. I prayed for release and it didn't seem to come. In fact, it seemed like the opposite of my prayers came true. Every plan I had fell apart.

Little did I know, this was the solution. So you know how I said there was a missing link? (I'm laughing as I write this, because it's just so obvious to me now...) The missing link was THE GOSPEL. The missing link was my Savior. Why did everything fall apart? Because I was living in my own strength. I believed I could conquer my sin. I couldn't. So God literally took my sin out of my life. Sure, there is still sin in my life daily. But since my heart was broken, I learned how to cling to Jesus.

Peace.

Really? That's it? I strived for SO long trying to find peace by doing the right things and praying the right prayers when all I had to do was cling to and depend on Christ? It's bliss, though. It really is. When we let go of our feelings of entitlement and control, and fall helpless before the throne of grace, The Gospel does a FRESH work in our lives. The Gospel that teaches we cannot earn grace, but can only receive it as a gift from The Father. That doesn't change after we're saved. We were, and are, and will be always saved BY GRACE through faith that comes from the Holy Spirit in us.


Matthew 11:29-30

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

What peace He Brings....And Oh, How He Loves.

The Beauty in Death

So, I actually wrote this about 3 weeks ago...and I just realized that it never posted. So....here ya go. (:


When I think of death, I think of mold. Rotten, rank decomposition. We're conditioned to relate death with sorrow, and for good reason, too. Death is destructive, it tears our hearts and sometimes it even tears our relationships. I've seen families destroyed because of the death of a central loved one. It's not fair and it's most definitely not beautiful.

But for those of us who are in Christ, death has a new meaning. We hear in church and in songs that Christ has overcome the grave and conquered death, but do we really believe it? If this is true, death is no longer dark and dreary, but just the beginning of new life. It is a promise of that which is to come. The end of these weary bodies and this weary place and the beginning of new life in Christ our Savior, forever captivated by His glory that shines into the darkness of our once lost hearts. Death has now become....beautiful.

This is the reason we celebrate Fall. Isn't it strange that we would celebrate trees dying? Why does this make us so happy? I would argue that there's more to it than just the pretty colors. If we knew that the trees were gone forever once they turned colors, we would mourn! But that's the thing. We know that they're not forever lost. The turning of colors can be appreciated for the beauty it displays because it also displays something much deeper...It's a promise of renewal and rejuvenation. We enjoy death of trees because of the momentary display of glory as well as the enduring promise of new life. Though the leaves may fall and the branches may be bare for a time, once Spring rolls around, they will return with all the arrayed splendor we could hope for.

But I'm still afraid of death. Not for myself, but for the people around me. Mostly my sister, Emily. I have to admit that I think about it all the time. Most people would say I have a right to be worried  about this, but is that true? If all of this is true about Christ conquering death and the promise of restoration, then my worry just becomes selfish. The day my sister leaves this world will be a day of NEW LIFE. Jehovah Rophe will steal her away for Himself and heal her every illness and she'll be more alive on that day than she ever was on earth.

Of course, after the trees die, there is a period when we may wonder if they'll ever come back. The winter can seem so long and dreary sometimes. However, if we fixate on the fact that the trees are dead, we miss the beauty held within winter. When our loved ones go on to glory in Christ to behold his wonder and beauty for eternity, the time in between without them can seem so long. We may wonder if we'll ever be reunited with them. But what beauty in life are we missing as we let anxiety fill our hearts? What promise has our God ever made that has not been fulfilled? I'll help you out. Not a single one (2 Corinthians 1:20, Joshua 21:45, Joshua 23:14).



"Sing the wondrous love of Jesus,
Sing His mercy and His grace.
In the mansions bright and blessèd
He'll prepare for us a place.

When we all get to Heaven,
What a day of rejoicing that will be!
When we all see Jesus,
We'll sing and shout the victory!


Let us then be true and faithful,
Trusting, serving every day;
Just one glimpse of Him in glory
Will the toils of life repay. "


I can't even imagine what our day of redemption will be like. How my soul groans inwardly for that day! The day of our death....what a beautiful day that will be! As God's glory is revealed and we fully know, even as we have been fully known (1 Corinthians 13:12).

Thank you, Father, for the hope you have given us...that Christ has defeated death and we may look forward with longing to the day when we will see your face and bow before the one who has redeemed our souls and shined His light into the depths of our hearts.

Oh, How He loves!

My Husband

Now before you look at the title and go "Oh no, I thought she was over her obsession with finding her husband," give me a minute to explain. :)

I went to a fall retreat over the weekend. It was pretty random that I got to go; A leader of the Navs on Campus just texted like 3 days before the event and I decided on a whim that it would be a good idea. I've just been a little bummed lately, so I thought it would be a great chance for some rejuvenation and all that stuff that usually comes with church retreats.

It was cold. Like, super cold. But I met some really great people and felt totally welcomed and at home among them. I was worried that I would feel awkward the entire time, but I didn't at all. I really love that about the Navs. They were all so genuine. So we had speakers and worship, played underground church (SO FUN), and did a service project. It was a really nice weekend, so I'm really glad that I went.

On Sunday morning we had two hours for what they call ETAWG, which stands for Extended Time Alone With God. I was a little bit worried at first about it being two hours, because that seems so long. I was honestly worried that I was going to fall asleep! But we began, and I got alone with my God. I have learned in the past couple of years just how sweet the Secret Place with God is. There's just something about getting alone with your Creator that satisfies the deepest parts of your soul. 

I started off by praying that God would reveal Himself to me. All weekend I listened to the words of people who were on fire for God and just thought to myself, "Man...I just know so little of this God that created me..." I felt like I needed to go read books and study the Bible harder and then I realized that I could search the whole world and never find God. What I've experienced in life is that the harder I try to achieve or attain God, the farther I push Him away. It's in the moments when I'm quiet, still, and maybe a little bit broken that He comes and washes over me. In those moments I see who He is and learn more about Him. So I started by praying that God would come to me as I waited upon Him and read His word. 

Oh boy, did He come.

I've read through Hosea before and loved it. But this time there was just something different about it. I read the first two chapters, and let me tell you....they're mind blowing. 

In the first chapter something really scary happens. Israel has turned from God and He eventually says, "You are not my people, and I will not be your God." When I read that, I just stopped in sorrow. My heart was so sad. Probably because I relate so much to Israel and when I see the pain that they caused the God who so dearly loved them, I just want to weep because I know that I've caused Him that same pain. So here I am, just swallowed by sadness. But wait.

I should've known.

God never stops where we think He does. 

In the VERY NEXT VERSE God says the unthinkable. The inconceivable. He says, "In the place where it was said to them, 'You are not My people,' There is shall be said to them, 'You are sons of the living God.'" (Hosea 1:10)

WHAT IS THAT. Oh, but just wait. It gets even better. You think God is incredible for calling a depraved people "sons of the living God"? We think that's the end. That He forgave them and will just wait for them to turn back. Well. We're wrong. 

I will punish her

For the days of the Baals to which she burned incense.

She decked herself with her earrings and jewelry,

And went after her lovers;

But Me she forgot,” says the Lord.

He breaks her. I have seen this happen several times in my own life. I chase after the loves of my heart, trying to find satisfaction in people, things, and activities. I forget about my God. How could we EVER forget about this God that saved us while we were ENEMIES of Him (Romans 5:10)? But God is a jealous God! In order to satisfy us in the deepest places, He must strip us of our idols. You may think that's cruel or unjust, but please....just keep reading.

“Therefore, behold, I will allure her,

Will bring her into the wilderness,

And speak comfort to her.

I will give her her vineyards from there,

And the Valley of Achor as a door of hope;

She shall sing there,

As in the days of her youth,

As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt.

“And it shall be, in that day,”

Says the Lord,

“That you will call Me ‘My Husband,’

And no longer call Me ‘My Master,’

....

I will betroth you to Me forever;

Yes, I will betroth you to Me

In righteousness and justice,

In lovingkindness and mercy;

I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness,

And you shall know the Lord.

(Hosea 2:14-15, 19-20)

Wow. I'm just letting this sink in. What sweeter love story exists in all of the earth? That the Holy, Most Worthy God of the Universe would not only save us, redeem us, and renew us...but that He would take us for Himself to be His....bride. 

OH MY SOUL, HOW HE LOVES.

Unanswered Questions

So...I don't know exactly how to say this but...I don't understand the ways of God.

I know. Duh, right? Of course I don't understand the ways of God. He's, well, God. For "who has understood the mind of the Lord, or instructed Him as His counselor?" (Isaiah 40:13). He is holy, worthy, good. My mind just cannot understand that.

And this is really amazing and mysterious and wonderful until it starts to affect my life. Things get frustrating when I surrender my life to God. His plan is completely different than my own, and right now, in the midst of a BUNCH of changes, I don't understand why these things happen.

There is a missing link. An explanation just floating around that I haven't seen yet.

I had my life planned out. I was so comfortable and happy. Don't get me wrong, I'm SUPER happy right now. Just a little confused. So, I had this big plan. And God was a part of it! God placed His calling on my life and He has been faithful to me through every season. Somewhere along the way I started walking down a path that I thought was God's will...turns out it wasn't. So basically He destroyed my plans completely. He broke me. And I thought I understood for a while. But now I don't.

As I look back, it just doesn't make sense. I try to explain the past year of my life to people and they never understand. And I can't blame them! I don't understand it either. There's a missing link. And I feel like I NEED that link in order to move on. I'm okay with the fact that He changed the course of my life, and I'm so excited to see where He leads! I just feel like I will never be able to move on from my past until I understand why this happened, and what it means moving forward. This is when I have to have faith.

Some people would say that God is cruel for destroying the plans of His people and changing their lives. But I would bet that EVERY man or woman who has been through this would testify to God's unending goodness. He is faithful and just. Just because I don't understand His ways doesn't mean that they are wrong. I always tell people that when things don't make sense in life, it almost always has the mark of God on it. Like, when things start to get confusing, He undoubtedly is working in the midst of your mess in order to open your eyes to His grace and goodness. I know that's what's happening here.

I'm just waiting for that aha! moment. And even if I never really get it, I know still that God is good. Like I've said before, He is one hundred percent worthy of my trust, and I have never seen Him forsake His people (Psalm 37:25).

So, God is working in my midst. His plan is unraveling constantly. I cannot wait to see where He leads and I look forward to waking up to his mercies each morning, because the gospel is fresh with each new day.


Even in the middle of confusion and frustration, when I'm angry and foolish....Yes, even then, How He Loves!

Bind My Wandering Heart to Thee...

Since the day I got to college (a little over a month and a half ago), I've been obsessed with finding my husband. Almost every single guy I meet, I instantly analyze to see if he has "the one" potential. I'm just going to be honest, it's gotten out of hand.

Hannah and I have been talking about boys A LOT. For a while we were seriously analyzing absolutely everything about relationships to the point that it became a burden. Shortly afterwards, we decided that we need to lighten up a little bit and not take it so seriously. So, we went to the other extreme. Obsessing over boys like it's no big deal, constantly talking about our future husbands, totally losing sight of our entire purpose. Needless to say, it wasn't long before one of us got hurt. It wasn't Hannah.

Well, we've been through both extremes in less than a month (can you say bipolar?). Tonight, we had the best talk yet. It started off a little bit crazy. I found a guy that I feel like is perfect for me. Like, seriously. This guy is crazy about Christ and the gospel, he has great taste in music, is musical himself, and a ton of other things that fit perfectly with who I am. Plus, we're acquaintances so it's not totally unrealistic. Hannah and I gushed about him for a little bit, pondering whether I'll marry him (don't judge us, please!!). After this, we moved on to this guy who is literally in love with Hannah, and has been for several years. We once again pondered the possibility of marriage and something crazy happened.

A couple of weeks ago I met a guy named Ben. I was going to visit my friend Daniel, and he was with him. He is probably the most interesting person I have ever met, and has an absolutely BEAUTIFUL story of redemption. Seriously. He's also a musician. He plays the guitar and sings lovely songs about how Jesus saved his life and restored his soul by His grace. Anyway, Ben said something interesting. He said that if we are in Christ, we have the Holy Spirit within us, which means that we have a wellspring of knowledge available to us when we need it. He was trying to convince Daniel that something was not quite what God intended for him, and so Ben was arguing that if Daniel really thought about it, he truly knew in his heart what the answer was.

Well, I tested that theory a few times, and let me tell you, it seems to be true. I'm not going to make any theological statements about it, because I don't know the Biblical basis of such a claim, but I do know that God's Word tells us that if we ask for wisdom, God will be gracious to give it to us when we need it (James 1:5). Once again, His Word proves true...

Anyway, that was a little bit off the path, but we're back to the conversation between Hannah and I. We both know what God is calling us to at this moment. Singleness. We don't know for how long and we don't know where He is leading, but this is our calling right now. I'm just going to be honest and say I don't like it. I haven't exactly been single very often in the past few years. I've only had 2 boyfriends, but they were both very long relationships, so the past 2 months of singleness has been the longest stretch I've gone without having a boyfriend since I was, well...13.

But you know what? There has NEVER been a time in my life when God was not faithful. Ever. He has consistently proved Himself worthy of my trust and I've heard countless other Christians say the same thing. And when it comes down to it, my purpose in life is not to find a husband. My life's purpose is to somehow glorify the great God that gives me life. To offer what little life I have to the glory of His name. And something else I've realized lately is that the love of Christ for His Bride is SO SWEET. Like, it's mindblowing. Inconceivable. Like, really, I'm getting emotional just writing about it. It's like the song says "On and on and on it goes. Yes, it overwhelms and satisfies my soul. And I never ever have to be afraid, this one thing remains. Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me." So, even if it is my calling to remain single for the entirety of my life on earth, how sweet would that actually be? I mean, I'll be practical and say that it would be hard to watch all my friends get hitched and have cute little babies, but seriously. Compared to the DEEP love of Christ, what is all of that?

It is filthy rags.

So, Lord. Love. Christ. Bind my wandering heart to Thee. Allow me to bask in your glorious love all the days of my life, and accept what little I have to offer as a sacrifice of complete love and adoration. Please, please, please, my Lord.

So Hannah and I have decided to TRUST GOD. We're giving up these crazy antics. We're surrendering. We know that it'll be hard and that Satan will throw all his tricks in our face and fill us with ridiculous lies. But nonetheless we surrender to a God - the God - who is worthy of our complete trust. Marriage may come. It may not. But one thing remains....the deep, wide, and endless love of Christ. Capture my heart again.


And I'm convinced that eternity will not be long enough to sing your praises.



"Oh to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be.
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for Thy courts above."


Oh, my soul...
How He loves.

Fire Alarm

So the emergency alarm just went off at Pomfret. 

It's 1:30am. 

Evidently a boy on the 3rd floor got a craving for popcorn and well...you can figure out the rest. I was just hanging out with Silly and Alyssa watching HIMYM when the creepy voice over the intercom alerts us that THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. Everyone was super annoyed that we had to evacuate the building in the middle of the night. Although, I will say that seeing everyone's clothing (or lack thereof) was pretty entertaining. 

And now I'm back in my room. All comfortable in my Hello Kitty pajamas, sippin' some apple cider, curled up on my bed. That's when it hit me. Things like this happen. Like, there are ACTUAL evacuations caused by real emergencies. Like the bomb threat at UT or the movie theatre shooting in Colorado. There are people in Syria in constant fear - with good reason, too. Their lives are so uncertain and safety is never assumed. 

Sylia and I had a crazy night. We burst into people's rooms, slamming and locking the door behind us and then proceeding to hide under their beds while screaming - DON'T LET THEM IN. There was no one following us, we were just being ridiculous college kids. And it was funny. Hilarious, even. Hysterical. Witty. Amusing. (Hahaha, to us, anyway...)

Anyway, the fact that it was funny shows you just how blessed we are. No one was honestly afraid or upset that we did that because it was totally unrealistic. No one was afraid during the alarm because we have police and firemen literally seconds away. And they're good, reliable people. Brave men and women. We are safe. Protected. We're so blessed. 

So tonight I thank Jehovah-Rohi - The Lord Our Shepherd - for the way He watches and keeps us. And I pray for the oppressed and the scared people around the globe who see actual horrors every day. I pray peace and protection over them. What's incredible is that the same God that protects me is the God that strengthens them. He is good to me and He is good to them. And a day is coming when He will restore all things and rid our lives of all fear. Oh, How He Loves Us.