Oh Heavy Heart of Mine

Somali Pirates.

This is what grieves my heart today.

I watched the movie Captain Phillips yesterday and was smacked in the face with the stark reality that there are bad people out there who have no choice but to be bad.

But my soul whispers to me that they're not actually bad.

My soul feels their hidden goodness. It feels their desperation and fear. It so deeply feels their sense of hopelessness.

And then I feel hopeless.

Why do I have so much? I have everything. It is easy for me to be good. I don't have any worries. I have every need met on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. It's no real sacrifice for me to do good things.

But people with no hope, people with no protection, no livelihood, no money, no job, no family, no LOVE - they have no choice.

Be bad or die.

That's the choice life gives them. Life says go out and steal and hurt and kidnap and destroy and take what is not yours and assert your power and live to make others fear and you'll survive. Otherwise, stay meek and humble and weak and die. Die in desperation and hopelessness.

This is what is seems like life gives them. And it does not seem fair. It seems so wrong. 

And I can't help but wonder why God would allow it to be that way. It's not fair that it's so easy for me to be good and so easy for them to be bad.

If I'm good, people praise me and bless me and love me. If they're good, people take advantage of them, kill them, destroy them.

Where is my God? Is he near to them? Is he close to their broken hearts? Does he hear their helpless cries in the night? Does he have mercy on them?

Does he love them? 

And I find myself praying in desperation that God will just make it known to me that he isn't absent from all of this. I have to know that he has some sort of plan through all of this. I have to know that he loves those people and that his heart breaks the same way mine does when it sees their scared, lonely souls and their acts of wickedness.

I need to see his eyes and see the tears welling and the arms reaching out, trying to save them.

Oh, my God, will you open my blind eyes?

Oh, my God, will you make known to me your love for bad people? Will you make known to me who you are? Will you show me your heart and your face and your eyes?

Oh, my God, where have you gone?

It feels like you've left us here alone. It is so hard to see you anywhere now. All I see is selfishness and ignorance and greed. All I feel is brokenness and helplessness and confusion.

Oh, my God, won't you save us?

Won't you put an end to our suffering and teach us who we should be? Won't you provide for us so that we can serve you? Won't you heal our broken hearts?

Oh Jesus, won't you lift this heavy heart of mine? 

I'm Probably High

Do you ever wake up in the morning and just think, "Man...how did I get here?"

No. I don't mean like, I was drunk and blacked out and ended up somewhere totally random and unexpected.

Although, if that's you...well...I'm sorry. That's awkward.

:)

Okay, but seriously. Don't you ever have days when you wake up and literally have no idea how you got to the place you are? I wake up and wonder how things got this way. How did I become this person I am now with these thoughts that I have and how in the WORLD did I get in this situation?

Even weirder than that - do you ever stop and wonder how you got on EARTH? (Do I sound high?)

I mean, I get that whole thing about how I physically got here - the stork brought me. K. But how did EVERYTHING get here? How do we have such intense and intricate thoughts and feelings? How are our emotions so tied into our physical senses? How can we communicate with such detail and effectiveness?

Folks, there is a God.

There's someone who had to have made this happen. I mean, I can't fathom any other possibility. Science cannot even come close to explain the complexity of HOW a lump of mass in your skull can produce unique ideas and thoughts. That doesn't "just happen." That's not some cosmic accident.

We were created.

Okay, I don't know what you think about that....but it freaks me out. I mean, it's also kind of comforting. But I just wonder where my creator has gone. Is it true that I was created for fellowship with this God but mankind's sin has separated me from that?

Or have I just been abandoned?

I legitimately don't know the answers. I don't understand how I'm supposed to find out.

But something deep within me whispers that my creator has not forsaken me. Something way down inside insists that I still have a purpose and it still involves my maker.

God, show me who you are.

Maker of my heart and my brain and my spirit and all that lives around me, make yourself known to me.

Open my blind eyes and please forgive me for being so stubborn and only believing what I want to believe. I'm sorry that we've become so confused and selfish and hateful. I look around and see so much pure and untampered beauty and I can't help but think that the world was created to be much better than what it is now. I see glimpses of perfection and can't help but imagine that perfection is what once marked every created thing.

But my eyes are cloudy and my heart is heavy. The world entices me in its momentary afflictions and empty promises and I forget to think about the possibility that maybe I could be missing the whole point.

Creator, show me my point. What do you want me to do? Who would you like me to be?

How can I know you?

Please, oh please - tell us how you love us.

God is True

You know all of these promises we have from God that we try to twist so that it fits in with how we're already living our lives and there's no risk involved for us?

Not sure what I'm talking about? Let me give you an example, from my own life.

Matthew 6:33

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you."

My initial reaction is, well, what does "seek" mean? Seek comes from a Greek word meaning to search for, as in searching for a treasure or something hidden. (See, I have been learning stuff in Greek class!) What do we do when we've lost something? We search high and low, leaving no possibility out. Even if you're completely certain you didn't leave it somewhere, you look anyway. There's a feeling of desperation, of earnestness. Relating this to seeking the kingdom of God means that we should desperately search for God and his righteousness. Looking everywhere we can think of. Reading scripture, being involved in the church, helping those in need, whatever comes to mind, even if it seems outlandish - out of desperation we try it because we are earnestly seeking God. And we don't do them because we want to look good or appear righteous, but because we are on a hunt for the one true satisfaction, God himself. And the Bible says that if we seek, we will find Him. 

Okay, so I'm reading this and I think it's awesome! How cool, if I desperately seek God first, above all else, I will not only find him, but also He will provide for me in every way ("and all these things will be added to you"). 

Ah, yes, but if I start SEEKING the kingdom of God, that means I'll have to take my eyes off of that boy I'm daydreaming about. That means I'll have to stop spending time thinking of ways to make him fall in love with me. It means I'll have to stop being so obsessed with having the cutest clothes and best makeup. It means I'll have to stop being controlled by my social status and academic achievements. 

But I like those things. I like the idea of being in love. I like looking nice. I like being liked and moving up in the academic world. 

But God promises that if I take my eyes off of those things and seek him and his righteousness, that He will fill my every need. 

So what I do is I say, okay God, I trust you! And I start reading my Bible a little more, start doing more "Christian" things....but still holding on to those other goals. I try to do both at the same time. 

So I don't really believe God's promise. I don't truly believe that if I seek God with abandon that He will provide for me. I think that I'll look everything and be empty.

But I'm trying it now. I'm trying to seek him in the right way. Not holding onto my wish that this guy I'm in love with will return the feelings and chase after me. Not holding onto my goal of maintaining a 4.0 all throughout college. I have only been doing this for maybe like, 2 days. But I'm starting to see a glimpse of how true it is. 

When I saturate myself with God, I am satisfied. When I start looking at these worldly goals, I become anxious. GOD'S WORD IS TRUE. 

I write this so that I'll remember the next time I start to doubt. 

So, when we start to doubt, what do we do? What do we do when the promise doesn't feel true? Let us TRUST in God's word (for it has never failed), and simply do what it says out of faith, and then we will SEE that it is true. God is faithful. His promises are true. And oh, how He loves us.