Oh Heavy Heart of Mine

Somali Pirates.

This is what grieves my heart today.

I watched the movie Captain Phillips yesterday and was smacked in the face with the stark reality that there are bad people out there who have no choice but to be bad.

But my soul whispers to me that they're not actually bad.

My soul feels their hidden goodness. It feels their desperation and fear. It so deeply feels their sense of hopelessness.

And then I feel hopeless.

Why do I have so much? I have everything. It is easy for me to be good. I don't have any worries. I have every need met on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. It's no real sacrifice for me to do good things.

But people with no hope, people with no protection, no livelihood, no money, no job, no family, no LOVE - they have no choice.

Be bad or die.

That's the choice life gives them. Life says go out and steal and hurt and kidnap and destroy and take what is not yours and assert your power and live to make others fear and you'll survive. Otherwise, stay meek and humble and weak and die. Die in desperation and hopelessness.

This is what is seems like life gives them. And it does not seem fair. It seems so wrong. 

And I can't help but wonder why God would allow it to be that way. It's not fair that it's so easy for me to be good and so easy for them to be bad.

If I'm good, people praise me and bless me and love me. If they're good, people take advantage of them, kill them, destroy them.

Where is my God? Is he near to them? Is he close to their broken hearts? Does he hear their helpless cries in the night? Does he have mercy on them?

Does he love them? 

And I find myself praying in desperation that God will just make it known to me that he isn't absent from all of this. I have to know that he has some sort of plan through all of this. I have to know that he loves those people and that his heart breaks the same way mine does when it sees their scared, lonely souls and their acts of wickedness.

I need to see his eyes and see the tears welling and the arms reaching out, trying to save them.

Oh, my God, will you open my blind eyes?

Oh, my God, will you make known to me your love for bad people? Will you make known to me who you are? Will you show me your heart and your face and your eyes?

Oh, my God, where have you gone?

It feels like you've left us here alone. It is so hard to see you anywhere now. All I see is selfishness and ignorance and greed. All I feel is brokenness and helplessness and confusion.

Oh, my God, won't you save us?

Won't you put an end to our suffering and teach us who we should be? Won't you provide for us so that we can serve you? Won't you heal our broken hearts?

Oh Jesus, won't you lift this heavy heart of mine? 

Different Paths

What do you do when you realize that you no longer love the truth?

I used to have such a passion for truth. For finding my true purpose and pursuing it. A hunger for goodness and purity. A thirst for righteousness and light.

But what do you do when you realize you've grown to despise the truth? That you have a deep-rooted bitterness toward this truth that has brought such pain and sorrow into your life? What do you do when everything you once lived for you now hate?

Why does my soul grow weary of doing good? Why does my mind shut out words of life? Why has my heart become so hardened towards what I once loved?

I'm enthralled and enchanted by the things of this world, even though I know they are empty and meaningless.

I just know that the narrow path that leads to life in Christ is so hard and painful. And I desire something easier, something wider.

"Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few."
Matthew 7:13-14

Lord, teach me to desire the way that is narrow and leads to life.

Beauty, Grace, and Heartache

Life is so full of paradoxes.

And you know, sometimes I really wonder why.

Why is every good thing tainted by something icky? But on the flipside, it's good because every bad thing is shadowed with life and brilliance.

Contradictions teach us. We can never understand how truly wonderful peace and joy are until we experience sorrow and grief.

Life is so hectic for me right now. Nothing is what I ever thought it would be. I always thought that by this point in my life, I'd be almost finished with college, have a serious boyfriend (that I would soon marry), I would have plenty of money stored away and well on my way to a picture perfect life. However, I've chosen to stray from that and now. Well. I'm a college drop-out pursuing midwifery, I'm single with no prospects (and will probably keep it that way for a LONG time), and I have much less money and material possessions than before.

Now don't get me wrong, I chose this. I specifically decided that I didn't want that shallow, "picture-perfect" life and instead wanted to follow Christ. But even so, it hasn't been exactly what I imagined, and it definitely hasn't been easy.

So life is crazy. I have no idea where I'll be in the next year, much less the next 10 years. I don't know if I'll ever get married or if I'll be good at midwifery. I don't know if I'll be living in NW Arkansas or even in America at all. I don't even know who God is anymore or why in the world I'm even here.

But it's so, so weird because while I don't know ANYTHING anymore, I have this weird sensation that I know everything that I need to know. It doesn't make any sense, but not much does anymore. I just feel like I know enough to live in this moment and that is good. I feel anxiety and fear and anger and bitterness, and I feel joy and peace and love and contentment. I feel cursed and I feel blessed.

I guess I'm a little confused.

But at the same time I'm not.

Life is so complex yet so simple. Why are we here, what are we supposed to be doing, who is God, who am I? I don't know. But I know that I'm alive and I'm called to serve and love and give.

I feel so alone yet I feel so blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful friends and loved ones. I feel plain and ugly yet I feel like a princess adorned with jewels. I feel awkward and uncomfortable yet I feel at home and at peace.

God is so silent yet he is so present.

So there is beauty all around, contrasted by poverty and pain. There is grace abounding, contradicting the bitterness and unforgiveness that plagues our hearts. There is unending heartache and suffering, yet an ever-present and constant source of healing and life accessible to all.

Paradox.

"He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it." Matt. 10:39

Let us lose our lives for your sake. Because oh, How You Love.