"Hallelujah we are free to struggle." Tenth Avenue North
My blogposts lately have been marked primarily by struggle. This month actually marks a very significant time in my life. This time last year was the beginning of a LOT of deep, internal struggle that manifested itself in many different ways. It's amazing to me to be a year removed from the onset of this and see what things have changed and what has remained. It's crazy to think that it's been an entire year of constant battling. You'd think I would be exhausted, drained from the energy of questioning my every belief and having my heart trampled multiple times (and by multiple, I mean MANY, MANY times). You'd think I'd be just about ready to give up. If someone told me at this point last year what the next 12 months were going to look like, I wouldn't believe that I would survive it. No way. I won't make it. I'll lose every ounce of strength I have. I will die of exhaustion. The interesting thing is that none of this is true.
I feel so alive.
So struggle has been the theme. Mistakes. Failures. Regrets.
But let me tell you. There is BEAUTY in the struggle. Not AFTER the struggle, but smack dab right in the middle of every heartache and pain you're facing. Right in the worst of the worst, there is a sweeping, powerful beauty that will transform your very being.
Every perfect and wonderful gift that I have received in the past year has been a direct result of tragedy.
"The Bible says that if you seek God, you will find Him. That's a lie. I've sought after God and He is not here. The Bible says that God will never leave you, but I'm alone. God's word is a lie."
Those words came from my mouth. Yep, I remember them well. I remember all too well the stab of pain as my last source of comfort was ripped from my hands. I remember the final culmination and realization that all my sins and failures were caving in on me, and I felt alone in the battle.
I remember denying God.
Would you dare to believe with me that in these moments when we believe God to be the farthest away, that He is actually the most present?
As I look back, I am able to see that in fact this WAS when God was most present. God was directly intervening in my life at this moment. He was answering a prayer that I had prayed shortly before this day to "tear down my idols, take what you must in order to show me who you are." Sometimes I get angry at God for answering my prayers. "Okay, yes, I asked for this, but I didn't know it would include THAT." Oh gosh, as I'm writing this it's revealing to me some of the complaints I've had recently that are a result of God answering prayers. Funny how we never seem to learn our lesson.
The point is, maybe the presence of struggle and pain in our lives is not indicative of the absence of God. Perhaps these battles are evidence of His presence. Why in the world do we feel so empty all of the time? Why do I wake up with anxiety literally flooding my body? Why is rest so elusive? Why do I feel numb and void of emotion? Why is everything falling apart? Why don't I have any control?
Perhaps in this place, we are able to take off our blinders and see God for who He truly is. If you've asked God to reveal Himself to you, if you've sought after God, searched Him out, longed for Him, and you find that everything in your life is going wrong, take a step back. In this place where you might claim that God has left you, are you so sure that He's not in the very room? Are you so sure that He's not in the midst of this, tearing down the idols of your life, so that you can see Him more clearly? So that you can be satisfied by Him and Him alone? Because honestly, can satisfaction be found in anything else? (If your answer to that is yes, read my last post about being a slave to anything other than Christ).
These are just some thoughts. I realized that though most of my posts are me talking through my struggles, every single one of them is characterized by one thing - the constancy of God. His faithfulness to satisfy my every desire and quench my every thirst.
Savor today His presence. In the middle of whatever strife you're dealing with, take in the fragrance of His closeness, of His jealousy for you. Allow Him to captivate you in this place.
Because this is the good place.
The day of happiness will come. There will be a day soon enough that flows with ease, when the sun shines and the birds chirp and your heart cannot contain the fullness of God's glory. But if that day is not today, find rest in the promises of God. Know that "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18).
Think about the cross. What greater tragedy has the world known than Righteousness and Love itself hung upon a sinner's cross? But also, what greater beauty has the world known than that of redemption and grace, made possible through the death of Christ? What tragedies are we trying to escape that God wants to use for our ultimate good? Because we know that God works all things for the good of those who are in Christ, who have been called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).
Savor this place. Because this is the good place.
Savor His love. His closeness, His presence. His love for you is unmatched, His jealousy for you will destroy your idols. His passion for you will draw you close. He's calling us into the Secret Place, into communion with Him. Will you follow?
Oh, How He Loves..
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
New Life
The past couple of months have been eye opening to say the least.
I am not invincible.
As I grew in Christ, I became confident. However, I misplaced my confidence. Where I should have placed confidence in God, I placed it in myself. In my own abilities and strengths. And I have fallen hard. I have found myself empty and unsatisfied, hungry and thirsty, crawling with what little life I have left to where I remember that I once found satisfaction and rest. Approaching the source of life, I become scared and frozen, and my track back to my first true love is halted.
But I have arrived.
Here I am, yet again, in the presence of the God who never left me. In the presence of my patient, loving, and holy Father.
"Come close, listen to the story, about a love more faithful than the morning..."
I am a slave to physical and emotional intimacy. I seek after it, I worship it, I value it, I long for it, I serve it, I work for it, I live for it, I accept it, I praise it, I justify it, I would kill for it, I would sacrifice myself for it, I would lay down other things for it. I need it, I crave it, I ingest it, I am addicted to it, I devour it, I hunger for it, I seek it, I fall down for it, I'm wounded by it, I go crazy for it, I am desperate for it, I find my identity in it.
And it leaves me empty. It abandons me, it leaves me alone, it steals my peace, it robs me of joy, it takes all my energy, it is elusive it hides from me, it tricks me, deceives me, it blinds me, it enslaves me, ensnares me, it destroys me, it changes me, it envelops me, it consumes me, it possesses me, it kills me, it digs my grave, it divides me, it drives a wedge in my relationships, it distorts my view, it strangles me, it holds me captive, it offers me no liberty it locks me up, it puts shackles around my hands and feet, it shoves me down, it laughs at me, it ridicules me, denies me, it runs from me, it CRIPPLES me.
So I worship it. Because I am its slave. I have given myself to this desire. It is my life and it is my death. I am a slave to to physical and emotional intimacy. It is my master. I am bound.
My future holds heartache, brokenness, emptiness, failure, insecurity, low self esteem, unworthiness, lost dreams, hopelessness, dependency, addiction, slavery, unrest, anxiety, depression, sorrow, apathy, endless searching, frustration, anger, resentment, bitterness, abandonment, restlessness, recklessness, hurt, wounds, injuries, false hope, broken promises, dirtiness, isolation, a hardened heart, numbness, indictment, judgment, DEATH.
I will live in this hell for the entirety of my existence. Because I am a slave to physical and emotional intimacy.
Interruption. In the courtroom, a man steps in just as I am about to receive my life sentence. He proclaims my innocence though I know it has been long lost. He pleads guilty for my wrongs. He takes the yoke and burden of my slavery and lays his very life before the judge, as a payment. As I look into the eyes of this unknown man, there's something very familiar about Him. It's like I've known Him my entire life - maybe longer. There's a sense in me that He is outside of me, yet a part of me. My heart instantly begins to yearn for Him, to long for Him, as I reach out for Him, He embraces me...like a child. As he takes my hand in His, I realize a distinct scar...and as His embrace surrounds me, I feel a change take place.
The blood of Christ washes my sins away.
"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, He is a new creation. The old has passed away, behold, the new has come." 2 Corinthians 5:17
He changes my name, and my identity. I take upon myself his yoke and find something new.
I am a slave to CHRIST. I adore Him. I sing His praises. I gaze upon His beauty. I relish HIs Word. I trust in His promises. I long for Him. I yearn for Him. I am satisfied by Him. I find hope in Him. I bow before Him. I worship His holiness. I stand justified before Him. I need Him. I thirst for Him. I run after Him. I find Him. I rest in Him. I love Him. I am captivated by Him. I am amazed by Him. I sacrifice for Him. I lay myself down before Him. I forgive because of Him. I am filled by Him. I FOLLOW HIM.
"He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul." Psalm 23: 2-3
He leaves me NEVER. He cherishes me. He hold me. He carries me. He sings over me. He gives me victory. he redeems me. He takes my place. He fights for me. He provides for me. He RESTORES my soul. He loves me. He adores me. He betroths me to Himself. He is preparing a place for me. He calls me into the Secret Place. He leads me with strong hands. He corrects me. He convicts me. He justifies me. He covers me. He remakes me. He fulfills me. He satisfies me. He ravishes my heart. He consumes me. He washes me. He DIED for me.
He saves me.
He gives me a right to His inheritance.
"But to those who did receive Him, who believed in His name, He gave the right to be called children of God." John 1:12
My NEW future holds: love, joy, endless praise, fulfillment, hope, passion, commitment, promise, peace, purpose, hardship, strength, trials, purity, redemption, security, protection, provision, mistakes, restoration, fulfilled promises, romance, wonder, adventure, a wedding feast, renewal, intimacy, glory, righteousness, LIFE.
So I lay my idols down upon the altar of the LORD - the Most High God, and I put to death my old self, and put on the righteousness of Christ - I find the intimacy I desired - I find Life - and life to the fullest.
"Put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."
Ephesians 4:22-24
And forever I will proclaim the good news of His love.
OH, How He Loves.
I am not invincible.
As I grew in Christ, I became confident. However, I misplaced my confidence. Where I should have placed confidence in God, I placed it in myself. In my own abilities and strengths. And I have fallen hard. I have found myself empty and unsatisfied, hungry and thirsty, crawling with what little life I have left to where I remember that I once found satisfaction and rest. Approaching the source of life, I become scared and frozen, and my track back to my first true love is halted.
But I have arrived.
Here I am, yet again, in the presence of the God who never left me. In the presence of my patient, loving, and holy Father.
"Come close, listen to the story, about a love more faithful than the morning..."
I am a slave to physical and emotional intimacy. I seek after it, I worship it, I value it, I long for it, I serve it, I work for it, I live for it, I accept it, I praise it, I justify it, I would kill for it, I would sacrifice myself for it, I would lay down other things for it. I need it, I crave it, I ingest it, I am addicted to it, I devour it, I hunger for it, I seek it, I fall down for it, I'm wounded by it, I go crazy for it, I am desperate for it, I find my identity in it.
And it leaves me empty. It abandons me, it leaves me alone, it steals my peace, it robs me of joy, it takes all my energy, it is elusive it hides from me, it tricks me, deceives me, it blinds me, it enslaves me, ensnares me, it destroys me, it changes me, it envelops me, it consumes me, it possesses me, it kills me, it digs my grave, it divides me, it drives a wedge in my relationships, it distorts my view, it strangles me, it holds me captive, it offers me no liberty it locks me up, it puts shackles around my hands and feet, it shoves me down, it laughs at me, it ridicules me, denies me, it runs from me, it CRIPPLES me.
So I worship it. Because I am its slave. I have given myself to this desire. It is my life and it is my death. I am a slave to to physical and emotional intimacy. It is my master. I am bound.
My future holds heartache, brokenness, emptiness, failure, insecurity, low self esteem, unworthiness, lost dreams, hopelessness, dependency, addiction, slavery, unrest, anxiety, depression, sorrow, apathy, endless searching, frustration, anger, resentment, bitterness, abandonment, restlessness, recklessness, hurt, wounds, injuries, false hope, broken promises, dirtiness, isolation, a hardened heart, numbness, indictment, judgment, DEATH.
I will live in this hell for the entirety of my existence. Because I am a slave to physical and emotional intimacy.
Interruption. In the courtroom, a man steps in just as I am about to receive my life sentence. He proclaims my innocence though I know it has been long lost. He pleads guilty for my wrongs. He takes the yoke and burden of my slavery and lays his very life before the judge, as a payment. As I look into the eyes of this unknown man, there's something very familiar about Him. It's like I've known Him my entire life - maybe longer. There's a sense in me that He is outside of me, yet a part of me. My heart instantly begins to yearn for Him, to long for Him, as I reach out for Him, He embraces me...like a child. As he takes my hand in His, I realize a distinct scar...and as His embrace surrounds me, I feel a change take place.
The blood of Christ washes my sins away.
"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, He is a new creation. The old has passed away, behold, the new has come." 2 Corinthians 5:17
He changes my name, and my identity. I take upon myself his yoke and find something new.
I am a slave to CHRIST. I adore Him. I sing His praises. I gaze upon His beauty. I relish HIs Word. I trust in His promises. I long for Him. I yearn for Him. I am satisfied by Him. I find hope in Him. I bow before Him. I worship His holiness. I stand justified before Him. I need Him. I thirst for Him. I run after Him. I find Him. I rest in Him. I love Him. I am captivated by Him. I am amazed by Him. I sacrifice for Him. I lay myself down before Him. I forgive because of Him. I am filled by Him. I FOLLOW HIM.
"He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul." Psalm 23: 2-3
He leaves me NEVER. He cherishes me. He hold me. He carries me. He sings over me. He gives me victory. he redeems me. He takes my place. He fights for me. He provides for me. He RESTORES my soul. He loves me. He adores me. He betroths me to Himself. He is preparing a place for me. He calls me into the Secret Place. He leads me with strong hands. He corrects me. He convicts me. He justifies me. He covers me. He remakes me. He fulfills me. He satisfies me. He ravishes my heart. He consumes me. He washes me. He DIED for me.
He saves me.
He gives me a right to His inheritance.
"But to those who did receive Him, who believed in His name, He gave the right to be called children of God." John 1:12
My NEW future holds: love, joy, endless praise, fulfillment, hope, passion, commitment, promise, peace, purpose, hardship, strength, trials, purity, redemption, security, protection, provision, mistakes, restoration, fulfilled promises, romance, wonder, adventure, a wedding feast, renewal, intimacy, glory, righteousness, LIFE.
So I lay my idols down upon the altar of the LORD - the Most High God, and I put to death my old self, and put on the righteousness of Christ - I find the intimacy I desired - I find Life - and life to the fullest.
"Put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."
Ephesians 4:22-24
And forever I will proclaim the good news of His love.
OH, How He Loves.
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