Redemptive Love

There's a man that has been pursuing me for years now. We've kind of been off and on since we've met, but he has never questioned his love for me, even when I was running from him. I find that kind of amazing. That someone could run in fear and aggravation away from you, but you still look at them with hopeful love of restoration and redemption.

There's only one man capable of this love, and his name is Jesus Christ.

I keep trying to end things with him. It's stupid, I know. When you have something so amazingly perfect, why would you try to throw it away? There's actually a pretty good (or at least I tell myself that) explanation for it though.

You see, I like to hide. When I feel sick or sad, my first instinct is to curl up in a ball under a blanket and just pretend like nothing exists. Because I feel that if nothing exists, then my hurt can't exist either. So here, hidden in the safety of the darkness, I'm finally alone. Except not. Because there is this man, Jesus, who never leaves me. So I'm trying to pretend that nothing exists and here he comes, comfort and healing in his hands. Oh, to you this may sound like a miracle, but to me it is slightly horrifying. Because in order to accept the steadfast love of Christ, I first have to acknowledge that the world does in fact exist. Which means I have to acknowledge that my problems exist, my hurt exists, and worst of all...my mistakes and deepest stains exist.

Boy, do they exist...

So I'm back in reality, where I'm dirty and broken, but there's an everlasting love that is begging me to accept it. So why am I so stagnant? Why can't I move or even breathe?

Well, here in the presence of God, He asks me to do what I cannot do. He asks me to look at myself. But I'm afraid. I've seen myself, I know what I look like. I'm trying to FORGET about that. But here He is, asking me to take another look. Of course I refuse. I know, God, I know how badly I've messed up, I know how selfish I am, I know how foolish I am, and I know how much I've hurt you, and I don't want to look at it so I refuse. And just as I do best, I begin to bend down, start to curl up and reach for my blanket of dark security. But He bends down too, and I hear Him whisper to me to trust Him. He says "Look down at yourself. My child, don't you know that you've been cleansed? Don't you know that you're white?" In the presence of the Almighty, I am stunned. This is why I can do nothing. Literally I cannot move. I am frozen. Can it be true? There is NO way that I can stand before God and appear white in His eyes. So, without uncurling I reply "No. God...I was there. I was there when I sinned. I saw it, I witnessed it, I beheld it with my own eyes. I felt the pleasure of my sin, I felt the weight of my guilt, and I witnessed the crippling fear of judgment. And after that I tasted the bitterness of my hardened heart that refused to repent. I am not white. I cannot be white. I am sin incarnate, I am filth come to life, I am broken." But he persists, as He always does. "Lauren, look." As tears flood my face, I childishly whisper, voice shaking, "No." He sees the fear in my eyes, so He comes even closer. Dangerously close. "Look." As Christ puts his gentle nail-scarred hands on my head, he directs it downward, and I must squint my eyes because of the brightness that has overtaken my being.




It's true.




I'm white.




I'm clean.





Redeemed.


I start to panic at the realization that my wildest dreams could, in fact be true. All my most shameful scars can be healed and my haunted memories can be wiped away. The burning sensation in my chest and stomach flees as the peace of Christ is ushered in. A peace that passes human understanding. A love that passes human understanding. Here in the presence of the glory of the Most High God, I am fully satisfied by God himself.

This is what I was made for.


This is what YOU were made for.


I do not always FEEL clean and accepted and righteous before God. But this goes back to the point about how truth is not subjected to feeling. There is a truth that remains true regardless of our fleeting and fickle emotions. Will you dare to believe today that your deepest stains are washed clean? That you are just as loved today - after all of your backslidings and sins - as you were the day God called you to Himself? Will you dare to live as if this is true, even if you don't "feel" it?

If you do dare, I believe you will be free. Because who the Son sets free....is free indeed (John 8:36). And oh, how He loves.