How do you worship God when you're angry?
How do I accept the love of Christ when I don't believe in love?
How do I look upon the Lord when I'm too scared to move?
How do I encourage and support others when I'm so broken and weary?
These are the questions I mull over while eating cheese puffs and sipping hot tea at 1 o clock in the morning.
There are Biblical answers to each of these, but I'm just going to be honest and say that it's not helping me right now. I need a personalized message whispered in my ear. I need the hand of peace and warmth laid upon my shoulder.
Good grief, I just need a hug.
But from someone I trust. Which is no one.
I have felt the physical comfort of Christ my love before, and experienced the freedom of opening my heart to Him in complete trust, but I can't help but hold back now.
How many times can you be hurt and shoved down before you just stay there?
I will believe the promises of God. They are true. They have never failed. So I'll believe and wait for my emotions to eventually catch up.
Lord, heal my brokenness. Burn your seal upon my heart and whisper in my ear that I am yours. Remind me that I am loved by you, cherished by you, CREATED by you to be pleased by you, satisfied by you, enchanted and captivated by you. Fill my heart with praise and adoration, and fulfill the desires of my heart, Oh God. Be tender and gentle with me now, being patient with my disbelief and doubt. Correct my sinful ways and call me out into the wilderness and romance me. As I relent from this war within me, God rise up and be my strength. Lead me beside still waters and green pastures and comfort me continually as I praise you, Oh Lord. My love. Oh How you love.
Amen.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Friday, January 18, 2013
Spirit Vs. Flesh
I'm very angry right now.
But one look upon Christ and for a minute it all just fades and my heart is satisfied.
And then I hear the voice of my flesh crying out in anger again.
Oh dear. It's going to be one of those battles, isn't it?
:)
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Redemptive Love
There's a man that has been pursuing me for years now. We've kind of been off and on since we've met, but he has never questioned his love for me, even when I was running from him. I find that kind of amazing. That someone could run in fear and aggravation away from you, but you still look at them with hopeful love of restoration and redemption.
There's only one man capable of this love, and his name is Jesus Christ.
I keep trying to end things with him. It's stupid, I know. When you have something so amazingly perfect, why would you try to throw it away? There's actually a pretty good (or at least I tell myself that) explanation for it though.
You see, I like to hide. When I feel sick or sad, my first instinct is to curl up in a ball under a blanket and just pretend like nothing exists. Because I feel that if nothing exists, then my hurt can't exist either. So here, hidden in the safety of the darkness, I'm finally alone. Except not. Because there is this man, Jesus, who never leaves me. So I'm trying to pretend that nothing exists and here he comes, comfort and healing in his hands. Oh, to you this may sound like a miracle, but to me it is slightly horrifying. Because in order to accept the steadfast love of Christ, I first have to acknowledge that the world does in fact exist. Which means I have to acknowledge that my problems exist, my hurt exists, and worst of all...my mistakes and deepest stains exist.
Boy, do they exist...
So I'm back in reality, where I'm dirty and broken, but there's an everlasting love that is begging me to accept it. So why am I so stagnant? Why can't I move or even breathe?
Well, here in the presence of God, He asks me to do what I cannot do. He asks me to look at myself. But I'm afraid. I've seen myself, I know what I look like. I'm trying to FORGET about that. But here He is, asking me to take another look. Of course I refuse. I know, God, I know how badly I've messed up, I know how selfish I am, I know how foolish I am, and I know how much I've hurt you, and I don't want to look at it so I refuse. And just as I do best, I begin to bend down, start to curl up and reach for my blanket of dark security. But He bends down too, and I hear Him whisper to me to trust Him. He says "Look down at yourself. My child, don't you know that you've been cleansed? Don't you know that you're white?" In the presence of the Almighty, I am stunned. This is why I can do nothing. Literally I cannot move. I am frozen. Can it be true? There is NO way that I can stand before God and appear white in His eyes. So, without uncurling I reply "No. God...I was there. I was there when I sinned. I saw it, I witnessed it, I beheld it with my own eyes. I felt the pleasure of my sin, I felt the weight of my guilt, and I witnessed the crippling fear of judgment. And after that I tasted the bitterness of my hardened heart that refused to repent. I am not white. I cannot be white. I am sin incarnate, I am filth come to life, I am broken." But he persists, as He always does. "Lauren, look." As tears flood my face, I childishly whisper, voice shaking, "No." He sees the fear in my eyes, so He comes even closer. Dangerously close. "Look." As Christ puts his gentle nail-scarred hands on my head, he directs it downward, and I must squint my eyes because of the brightness that has overtaken my being.
It's true.
I'm white.
I'm clean.
Redeemed.
I start to panic at the realization that my wildest dreams could, in fact be true. All my most shameful scars can be healed and my haunted memories can be wiped away. The burning sensation in my chest and stomach flees as the peace of Christ is ushered in. A peace that passes human understanding. A love that passes human understanding. Here in the presence of the glory of the Most High God, I am fully satisfied by God himself.
This is what I was made for.
This is what YOU were made for.
I do not always FEEL clean and accepted and righteous before God. But this goes back to the point about how truth is not subjected to feeling. There is a truth that remains true regardless of our fleeting and fickle emotions. Will you dare to believe today that your deepest stains are washed clean? That you are just as loved today - after all of your backslidings and sins - as you were the day God called you to Himself? Will you dare to live as if this is true, even if you don't "feel" it?
If you do dare, I believe you will be free. Because who the Son sets free....is free indeed (John 8:36). And oh, how He loves.
There's only one man capable of this love, and his name is Jesus Christ.
I keep trying to end things with him. It's stupid, I know. When you have something so amazingly perfect, why would you try to throw it away? There's actually a pretty good (or at least I tell myself that) explanation for it though.
You see, I like to hide. When I feel sick or sad, my first instinct is to curl up in a ball under a blanket and just pretend like nothing exists. Because I feel that if nothing exists, then my hurt can't exist either. So here, hidden in the safety of the darkness, I'm finally alone. Except not. Because there is this man, Jesus, who never leaves me. So I'm trying to pretend that nothing exists and here he comes, comfort and healing in his hands. Oh, to you this may sound like a miracle, but to me it is slightly horrifying. Because in order to accept the steadfast love of Christ, I first have to acknowledge that the world does in fact exist. Which means I have to acknowledge that my problems exist, my hurt exists, and worst of all...my mistakes and deepest stains exist.
Boy, do they exist...
So I'm back in reality, where I'm dirty and broken, but there's an everlasting love that is begging me to accept it. So why am I so stagnant? Why can't I move or even breathe?
Well, here in the presence of God, He asks me to do what I cannot do. He asks me to look at myself. But I'm afraid. I've seen myself, I know what I look like. I'm trying to FORGET about that. But here He is, asking me to take another look. Of course I refuse. I know, God, I know how badly I've messed up, I know how selfish I am, I know how foolish I am, and I know how much I've hurt you, and I don't want to look at it so I refuse. And just as I do best, I begin to bend down, start to curl up and reach for my blanket of dark security. But He bends down too, and I hear Him whisper to me to trust Him. He says "Look down at yourself. My child, don't you know that you've been cleansed? Don't you know that you're white?" In the presence of the Almighty, I am stunned. This is why I can do nothing. Literally I cannot move. I am frozen. Can it be true? There is NO way that I can stand before God and appear white in His eyes. So, without uncurling I reply "No. God...I was there. I was there when I sinned. I saw it, I witnessed it, I beheld it with my own eyes. I felt the pleasure of my sin, I felt the weight of my guilt, and I witnessed the crippling fear of judgment. And after that I tasted the bitterness of my hardened heart that refused to repent. I am not white. I cannot be white. I am sin incarnate, I am filth come to life, I am broken." But he persists, as He always does. "Lauren, look." As tears flood my face, I childishly whisper, voice shaking, "No." He sees the fear in my eyes, so He comes even closer. Dangerously close. "Look." As Christ puts his gentle nail-scarred hands on my head, he directs it downward, and I must squint my eyes because of the brightness that has overtaken my being.
It's true.
I'm white.
I'm clean.
Redeemed.
I start to panic at the realization that my wildest dreams could, in fact be true. All my most shameful scars can be healed and my haunted memories can be wiped away. The burning sensation in my chest and stomach flees as the peace of Christ is ushered in. A peace that passes human understanding. A love that passes human understanding. Here in the presence of the glory of the Most High God, I am fully satisfied by God himself.
This is what I was made for.
This is what YOU were made for.
I do not always FEEL clean and accepted and righteous before God. But this goes back to the point about how truth is not subjected to feeling. There is a truth that remains true regardless of our fleeting and fickle emotions. Will you dare to believe today that your deepest stains are washed clean? That you are just as loved today - after all of your backslidings and sins - as you were the day God called you to Himself? Will you dare to live as if this is true, even if you don't "feel" it?
If you do dare, I believe you will be free. Because who the Son sets free....is free indeed (John 8:36). And oh, how He loves.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Truth
How do the lies of the enemy end up sounding so true?
Somewhere between reality and falsehood, my heart finds a place where falsehood LOOKS like reality. Where everything I know to be true does not FEEL true. Where something looks one way, but in actuality is not that at all.
So what is truth?
If I wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety and pain in my chest, is it true that the peace of God is not lasting? It feels like that is true.
If love abandons me and leaves me feeling empty and without hope, is it true that there is no steadfast love? It feels like that is very true.
If the future, in every single direction holds significant change, is it true that everything I've ever enjoyed in life will be lost? It certainly does feel like that is true.
And if I pray for a certain thing or happening, and I do not receive it, is it true that God does not answer prayers? Well, that's what my emotions say is true.
So, again...what is truth?
If the entire "reality" surrounding you appears to be something, can you trust its appearance? If an emotion is very real and present, does it reveal truth? Can something be true at one point in life, but untrue later on?
Or is there maybe a deeper, more universal truth? A truth that remains regardless of what you feel or see. Something that, if you look back on, was there all along, whether you realized it or not. Perhaps there is a truth that does not change, ever. One that is not dependent on the times and does not vary from person to person.
I believe there is. I believe that you can truly feel that you're falling, when truly you're sitting in a chair. You can honestly believe that the world is flat, when reality reveals that it is round. That love is not true, even though it came to us in the form of a baby and is re-revealed to us through people, nature, and even tragedy. I believe that even if my body physically feels that there is no peace to be found, that I can find a peace that passes human understanding by calling upon the Lord (Philippians 4:7).
Sometimes the knowledge of an everlasting truth is scary, though. The thought that I was created to worship a holy and perfect God can be terrifying, especially during the times when I feel so unworthy to even stand in His presence. But even when I have sinned and allowed myself to become dirty and broken, this truth has NOT changed. Even in my most despicable state, I was created for this holy and perfect God. Who also happens to be a God of redemption and restoration.
God, today we pray for that restoration. That you would heal the wounds we've created by listening to the lies of the enemy. We pray for redemption - that the blood of Christ would cover us and that when you look upon us that you would see Him. We pray for the courage to ACCEPT your truth, and accept your love. For healing in a very, very broken world. And most of all we pray for the revelation of your truth - that you are God alone, worthy of all honor and praise, our Master and Creator, Lover and Healer. How true it is that you love. And oh, how you love unfailingly.
Somewhere between reality and falsehood, my heart finds a place where falsehood LOOKS like reality. Where everything I know to be true does not FEEL true. Where something looks one way, but in actuality is not that at all.
So what is truth?
If I wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety and pain in my chest, is it true that the peace of God is not lasting? It feels like that is true.
If love abandons me and leaves me feeling empty and without hope, is it true that there is no steadfast love? It feels like that is very true.
If the future, in every single direction holds significant change, is it true that everything I've ever enjoyed in life will be lost? It certainly does feel like that is true.
And if I pray for a certain thing or happening, and I do not receive it, is it true that God does not answer prayers? Well, that's what my emotions say is true.
So, again...what is truth?
If the entire "reality" surrounding you appears to be something, can you trust its appearance? If an emotion is very real and present, does it reveal truth? Can something be true at one point in life, but untrue later on?
Or is there maybe a deeper, more universal truth? A truth that remains regardless of what you feel or see. Something that, if you look back on, was there all along, whether you realized it or not. Perhaps there is a truth that does not change, ever. One that is not dependent on the times and does not vary from person to person.
I believe there is. I believe that you can truly feel that you're falling, when truly you're sitting in a chair. You can honestly believe that the world is flat, when reality reveals that it is round. That love is not true, even though it came to us in the form of a baby and is re-revealed to us through people, nature, and even tragedy. I believe that even if my body physically feels that there is no peace to be found, that I can find a peace that passes human understanding by calling upon the Lord (Philippians 4:7).
Sometimes the knowledge of an everlasting truth is scary, though. The thought that I was created to worship a holy and perfect God can be terrifying, especially during the times when I feel so unworthy to even stand in His presence. But even when I have sinned and allowed myself to become dirty and broken, this truth has NOT changed. Even in my most despicable state, I was created for this holy and perfect God. Who also happens to be a God of redemption and restoration.
God, today we pray for that restoration. That you would heal the wounds we've created by listening to the lies of the enemy. We pray for redemption - that the blood of Christ would cover us and that when you look upon us that you would see Him. We pray for the courage to ACCEPT your truth, and accept your love. For healing in a very, very broken world. And most of all we pray for the revelation of your truth - that you are God alone, worthy of all honor and praise, our Master and Creator, Lover and Healer. How true it is that you love. And oh, how you love unfailingly.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Time...Flies?
Well, you know they always say that time flies when you're having fun.
I think it's more accurately put that time just goes.
And goes.
....and.....goes.
Regardless of whether or not you're having fun, time goes on. It doesn't stop, stand still, or move backward. Though sometimes the night seems long and the pain endless, time never stops. With each breath we take, we are given the blessing of seeing a new moment in time, because yes...it goes on.
So, a LOT has happened since the last time I've blogged. Yeah...a lot. I'm a little bit in the middle of everything right now, so I'm not quite certain how to put it into words, but stay tuned, because the words will sure enough come!
Until then, I just want to remark that God is good.
I don't know. I'm actually at a point right now that I actually feel a bit afraid to be in God's presence. He's so holy and meaningful and before Him I am so insignificant and dirty.
But more on that another day. I can feel the prayers of my best friends in Christ surrounding me and covering me, giving me more and more boldness to approach the Throne of Grace (Hebrews 4:16). I'll let you know how that goes.
And I must go, because my Father bids me come and die...and oh, how He loves.
I think it's more accurately put that time just goes.
And goes.
....and.....goes.
Regardless of whether or not you're having fun, time goes on. It doesn't stop, stand still, or move backward. Though sometimes the night seems long and the pain endless, time never stops. With each breath we take, we are given the blessing of seeing a new moment in time, because yes...it goes on.
So, a LOT has happened since the last time I've blogged. Yeah...a lot. I'm a little bit in the middle of everything right now, so I'm not quite certain how to put it into words, but stay tuned, because the words will sure enough come!
Until then, I just want to remark that God is good.
I don't know. I'm actually at a point right now that I actually feel a bit afraid to be in God's presence. He's so holy and meaningful and before Him I am so insignificant and dirty.
But more on that another day. I can feel the prayers of my best friends in Christ surrounding me and covering me, giving me more and more boldness to approach the Throne of Grace (Hebrews 4:16). I'll let you know how that goes.
And I must go, because my Father bids me come and die...and oh, how He loves.
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