Unanswered Questions

So...I don't know exactly how to say this but...I don't understand the ways of God.

I know. Duh, right? Of course I don't understand the ways of God. He's, well, God. For "who has understood the mind of the Lord, or instructed Him as His counselor?" (Isaiah 40:13). He is holy, worthy, good. My mind just cannot understand that.

And this is really amazing and mysterious and wonderful until it starts to affect my life. Things get frustrating when I surrender my life to God. His plan is completely different than my own, and right now, in the midst of a BUNCH of changes, I don't understand why these things happen.

There is a missing link. An explanation just floating around that I haven't seen yet.

I had my life planned out. I was so comfortable and happy. Don't get me wrong, I'm SUPER happy right now. Just a little confused. So, I had this big plan. And God was a part of it! God placed His calling on my life and He has been faithful to me through every season. Somewhere along the way I started walking down a path that I thought was God's will...turns out it wasn't. So basically He destroyed my plans completely. He broke me. And I thought I understood for a while. But now I don't.

As I look back, it just doesn't make sense. I try to explain the past year of my life to people and they never understand. And I can't blame them! I don't understand it either. There's a missing link. And I feel like I NEED that link in order to move on. I'm okay with the fact that He changed the course of my life, and I'm so excited to see where He leads! I just feel like I will never be able to move on from my past until I understand why this happened, and what it means moving forward. This is when I have to have faith.

Some people would say that God is cruel for destroying the plans of His people and changing their lives. But I would bet that EVERY man or woman who has been through this would testify to God's unending goodness. He is faithful and just. Just because I don't understand His ways doesn't mean that they are wrong. I always tell people that when things don't make sense in life, it almost always has the mark of God on it. Like, when things start to get confusing, He undoubtedly is working in the midst of your mess in order to open your eyes to His grace and goodness. I know that's what's happening here.

I'm just waiting for that aha! moment. And even if I never really get it, I know still that God is good. Like I've said before, He is one hundred percent worthy of my trust, and I have never seen Him forsake His people (Psalm 37:25).

So, God is working in my midst. His plan is unraveling constantly. I cannot wait to see where He leads and I look forward to waking up to his mercies each morning, because the gospel is fresh with each new day.


Even in the middle of confusion and frustration, when I'm angry and foolish....Yes, even then, How He Loves!

Bind My Wandering Heart to Thee...

Since the day I got to college (a little over a month and a half ago), I've been obsessed with finding my husband. Almost every single guy I meet, I instantly analyze to see if he has "the one" potential. I'm just going to be honest, it's gotten out of hand.

Hannah and I have been talking about boys A LOT. For a while we were seriously analyzing absolutely everything about relationships to the point that it became a burden. Shortly afterwards, we decided that we need to lighten up a little bit and not take it so seriously. So, we went to the other extreme. Obsessing over boys like it's no big deal, constantly talking about our future husbands, totally losing sight of our entire purpose. Needless to say, it wasn't long before one of us got hurt. It wasn't Hannah.

Well, we've been through both extremes in less than a month (can you say bipolar?). Tonight, we had the best talk yet. It started off a little bit crazy. I found a guy that I feel like is perfect for me. Like, seriously. This guy is crazy about Christ and the gospel, he has great taste in music, is musical himself, and a ton of other things that fit perfectly with who I am. Plus, we're acquaintances so it's not totally unrealistic. Hannah and I gushed about him for a little bit, pondering whether I'll marry him (don't judge us, please!!). After this, we moved on to this guy who is literally in love with Hannah, and has been for several years. We once again pondered the possibility of marriage and something crazy happened.

A couple of weeks ago I met a guy named Ben. I was going to visit my friend Daniel, and he was with him. He is probably the most interesting person I have ever met, and has an absolutely BEAUTIFUL story of redemption. Seriously. He's also a musician. He plays the guitar and sings lovely songs about how Jesus saved his life and restored his soul by His grace. Anyway, Ben said something interesting. He said that if we are in Christ, we have the Holy Spirit within us, which means that we have a wellspring of knowledge available to us when we need it. He was trying to convince Daniel that something was not quite what God intended for him, and so Ben was arguing that if Daniel really thought about it, he truly knew in his heart what the answer was.

Well, I tested that theory a few times, and let me tell you, it seems to be true. I'm not going to make any theological statements about it, because I don't know the Biblical basis of such a claim, but I do know that God's Word tells us that if we ask for wisdom, God will be gracious to give it to us when we need it (James 1:5). Once again, His Word proves true...

Anyway, that was a little bit off the path, but we're back to the conversation between Hannah and I. We both know what God is calling us to at this moment. Singleness. We don't know for how long and we don't know where He is leading, but this is our calling right now. I'm just going to be honest and say I don't like it. I haven't exactly been single very often in the past few years. I've only had 2 boyfriends, but they were both very long relationships, so the past 2 months of singleness has been the longest stretch I've gone without having a boyfriend since I was, well...13.

But you know what? There has NEVER been a time in my life when God was not faithful. Ever. He has consistently proved Himself worthy of my trust and I've heard countless other Christians say the same thing. And when it comes down to it, my purpose in life is not to find a husband. My life's purpose is to somehow glorify the great God that gives me life. To offer what little life I have to the glory of His name. And something else I've realized lately is that the love of Christ for His Bride is SO SWEET. Like, it's mindblowing. Inconceivable. Like, really, I'm getting emotional just writing about it. It's like the song says "On and on and on it goes. Yes, it overwhelms and satisfies my soul. And I never ever have to be afraid, this one thing remains. Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me." So, even if it is my calling to remain single for the entirety of my life on earth, how sweet would that actually be? I mean, I'll be practical and say that it would be hard to watch all my friends get hitched and have cute little babies, but seriously. Compared to the DEEP love of Christ, what is all of that?

It is filthy rags.

So, Lord. Love. Christ. Bind my wandering heart to Thee. Allow me to bask in your glorious love all the days of my life, and accept what little I have to offer as a sacrifice of complete love and adoration. Please, please, please, my Lord.

So Hannah and I have decided to TRUST GOD. We're giving up these crazy antics. We're surrendering. We know that it'll be hard and that Satan will throw all his tricks in our face and fill us with ridiculous lies. But nonetheless we surrender to a God - the God - who is worthy of our complete trust. Marriage may come. It may not. But one thing remains....the deep, wide, and endless love of Christ. Capture my heart again.


And I'm convinced that eternity will not be long enough to sing your praises.



"Oh to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be.
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for Thy courts above."


Oh, my soul...
How He loves.

Fire Alarm

So the emergency alarm just went off at Pomfret. 

It's 1:30am. 

Evidently a boy on the 3rd floor got a craving for popcorn and well...you can figure out the rest. I was just hanging out with Silly and Alyssa watching HIMYM when the creepy voice over the intercom alerts us that THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. Everyone was super annoyed that we had to evacuate the building in the middle of the night. Although, I will say that seeing everyone's clothing (or lack thereof) was pretty entertaining. 

And now I'm back in my room. All comfortable in my Hello Kitty pajamas, sippin' some apple cider, curled up on my bed. That's when it hit me. Things like this happen. Like, there are ACTUAL evacuations caused by real emergencies. Like the bomb threat at UT or the movie theatre shooting in Colorado. There are people in Syria in constant fear - with good reason, too. Their lives are so uncertain and safety is never assumed. 

Sylia and I had a crazy night. We burst into people's rooms, slamming and locking the door behind us and then proceeding to hide under their beds while screaming - DON'T LET THEM IN. There was no one following us, we were just being ridiculous college kids. And it was funny. Hilarious, even. Hysterical. Witty. Amusing. (Hahaha, to us, anyway...)

Anyway, the fact that it was funny shows you just how blessed we are. No one was honestly afraid or upset that we did that because it was totally unrealistic. No one was afraid during the alarm because we have police and firemen literally seconds away. And they're good, reliable people. Brave men and women. We are safe. Protected. We're so blessed. 

So tonight I thank Jehovah-Rohi - The Lord Our Shepherd - for the way He watches and keeps us. And I pray for the oppressed and the scared people around the globe who see actual horrors every day. I pray peace and protection over them. What's incredible is that the same God that protects me is the God that strengthens them. He is good to me and He is good to them. And a day is coming when He will restore all things and rid our lives of all fear. Oh, How He Loves Us.