Submission

Something feels off about today.

I woke up and just felt so strange, like something about today was not normal. I'm not superstitious, but it got me thinking.

I don't have control.

Today, anything could happen. There are so many opportunities for good, happy things to come about, and just as many opportunities for sad, unwanted things. But whatever happens, I don't get to choose.

There are some choices I have. I can take precautions and try to avoid tragedy, but ultimately that won't work. I can be proactive and seek out good things, but those efforts can fail, as well. In the end, what happens happens and sometimes there's nothing you can do about it.

I have a doctor's appointment today.

There's a small, hard bump on the back-side of my skull and it's been growing at a pretty slow pace over the past few months, and I've been advised by several people to have it checked out, just so I know what it is.

It's probably nothing. But it just confirmed these thoughts that anything can happen, and I don't - I can't - control it.

There's a sort of beauty in not being in control. There's a strange freedom in submission when you realize that you're not big enough to control the world or even your own life.

Today I submit to the will of God. And to the events that may happen that I cannot control. I will be joyful in knowing that I am not in charge and I don't get to choose everything. I will be thankful that God sends blessing upon blessing to us, no matter who we are. I will call out and recognize the good things in my life and I will humbly accept the bad things.

Today, I will rest. I'll rest in knowing that I don't have to have everything planned out and figured out. I will rest in the belief that life is a blessing no matter what the situation. I'll rest in the confidence that God can use all things to refine me if I'll only submit and trust Him.

Today I will take advantage of the choices I do have. I will choose to be forgiving. I will choose to give generously. I will choose to not worry. I will choose to encourage. I will choose to look on the bright side. I will choose to obey. I choose joy and kindness and humility and peace.


And the rest I will lay gently at the feet of the Ruler of All to be used as He so pleases, to be tested as He so wills, to be blessed as he so graciously desires.

Because Oh, How I trust Him. And Oh, how He loves.

Child of the Light

Step into the light, Oh Small One.





Let its warmth fill you and sustain you.
Let it shine brightly upon your face.


Step into the light.






Do not wonder whether it will leave, or ponder if it will stay.
           

                 For today, it is here.

Rejoice in God's mercy today, for He offers you light.

Do not hide in those shadows anymore or sleep in that darkness. Do not tremble alone in those depths.



Step into the light.





Walk upon the paths of grace and stroll down the avenues of mercy. Desire the way that leads to life.



                    Do not come with many words or fill your head with much thought.

Listen to the silence of the world, Small One.

Listen as creation stands silent before its Creator and join in its song of silence.

Step into the light with silence.

Feel the rhythm of peace as your soul quietly sighs.



For today is not the day of questioning and today is not the day of fear,

                                   today the light remains. 

Today, the light is here.




So step into the light, Small One. Step into that light and do not question whether it will stay.

But sit in it and reach for it.


And give God praise.

Hey, Soul Sister

Today is a special day.

On this day, 20 years ago, a miracle happened.

A little, bitty baby entered the world - and I'm convinced that from the moment that baby girl got here, her eyes were full of light and her heart was full of dreams.

And now, 20 years later, that not so wittle baby is my bestie.

Happy Birthday, babylove.

When I saw Hannah for the first time, I was 8. We were both in Awanas at church and all I knew about her was that she was homeschooled at the time. I never talked to her, never approached her, never knew that one day I would spend hours a day on the phone with her, that I would share my deepest hurts and greatest joys with her, that I would laugh and stay up all night singing about eggrolls with her, that I would learn how to bake with her, that I would learn how to lead and follow my dreams with her, that I would be encouraged by her and strengthened by her friendship.

 I just looked at her and saw a girl. I had no idea.

 I didn't look at her and see the girl that would help me survive the horrors of high school and college. I didn't look at her eyes and see the eyes that would squint and tear up as we laughed maniacally together for hours. I didn't look at her hands and see the hands that would spend days and nights emailing, texting, facebook messaging, calling, and writing letters to me as we would fight to grow our friendship despite the miles that would separate us. I didn't look at her feet and see the feet that would walk miles and miles alongside me - feet that would travel with me to share our faith, that would go with me to build houses, that would stroll with me while pondering the mercies of a faithful God. I didn't look at her arms and see the arms that would wrap around me and comfort me as I dealt with loss, failure, and fear. I didn't look at her face and see the face that would overwhelm my heart with joy every time I saw it.

I looked at her and saw just another pair of eyes, just another couple of hands, just another normal smile and maybe some abnormally large feet for an 8 year old.

I just looked at her and saw a girl. Man, I had no idea.

In 8th grade I re-met Hannah. Six years after the first time I saw her, I was invited to her house by a mutual friend of ours, Bekah. Her parents didn't have any notice that I was coming and were quite surprised, which resulted in Hannah getting grounded and me feeling really awkward.

I didn't watch her yell into the phone and realize that I would witness dozens more of these typical parent/teenager fights between her and her parents and even get pulled into a couple of them. ;) I didn't realize that I would call her thousands of times and rant about my own fights with my family.

I didn't walk into her room and realize that this was the place I would return to hundreds of times more for countless all-nighters and shenanigans. I didn't sit on her bed and realize that this would be the bed that I would sit on while skyping friends and taking selfies. That this was the bed that I would be laying in as Hannah recorded me sleeptalking. That this bed would be the one that I hid under the covers in when creepy things happened and we were scared of being alone. That this was the very bed that would give me rest after hours of JustDance, sweaty knees, and scone-baking.

I didn't look at the blue walls and realize that soon those walls would become home to me. I didn't look at the desk and see the place where we would make plans to start movements and organizations together. I didn't see the bathroom and see the place where I would get ready for Homecoming. I didn't see the closet and see the clothes that I would borrow and steal and shrink on accident. I didn't see the Eiffel Tower statue and see the weapon that Hannah would use to protect us every time we thought someone had broken into her house.

I didn't see the Bible on her nightstand and see the book that we would read daily together, study together, and pray over together - the book that would seal our friendship, bind our hearts, and grow our love for God and others. The book that she would bring to 6am Bible Study at Kennedy Coffee with Ruthanne. The book that she would have in her hand as we met for morning challenges freshman year of high school. The book that we would search through together to find hard answers to questions that changed our lives. The book that she would bring with her to DNOW when we decided to become accountability partners and best friends.

I just didn't know. I had no idea.


The summer before 9th grade year I went to the lake with one of my best friends, Bekah. She invited a couple of other girls, including Hannah. I was excited because I wanted my hair to be blonder and my skin to be tanner before my freshman year of high school started, and what better way to achieve that than to spend a hot, sunny day on the lake? What I didn't realize was that I would get a phone number that would become very important to me, one that I would never forget. (I'm not going to post it to prove that I remember it.)

After laughing way too hard at jokes that weren't funny to anyone else and tricking our mutual friend, Varun into thinking my leg got bit off by an alligator fish, Hannah and I exchanged phone numbers. Then we went tubing. I think Hannah wiped out. Okay, maybe we both did.

The next day we talked on the phone for an hour. We talked about boys and school and going to the mall. I couldn't believe that Hannah got me, the girl who HATES talking on the phone, to stay on there for SIXTY MINUTES. Little did I know that someday it would be completely normal for me to spend upwards of 4 hours on the phone with this same friend. It would also someday become completely normal to make 5 or 6 phone calls DAILY to this friend. I had no idea that we would never grow tired of talking about boys and school and going to the mall. Or that we would come up with a lot deeper issues to talk about than boys and school and going to the mall.

I really did not know. I had absolutely no idea.


We stayed in touch and ended up in the same DNOW group at the beginning of freshman year. We discovered a mutual passion for our faith and shared our hearts and became accountability partners.

And this is where it officially began.

After this day followed dance parties and opera singing and sonic drink combo experimenting and laughing and fighting and yelling and apologizing and learning and Bible studies and weird voice making.

After this day our days were filled with geocaching and hiking and tea-drinking and chicken-salad eating and roadtripping and roller-coaster-ing and epic video making and standing up for each other and standing up for the voiceless and discovering our callings and chasing our dreams and failing and standing back up and laughing some more and fighting some more and apologizing some more.

After this day we spent our time talking on the phone and making weird Facebook posts and taking disturbingly ugly pictures and chinning and crushing and gushing and making ginger-bread princess fortresses and secret-telling and wiping out and making fun and being awkward and sharing awkward stories and meddling and failed double-dating and rolling in the snow.

After this day memories were made of eating malt-o-meal and studying and praying and throwing softballs with Hannah's papa and having conversations with Grandma Jo and consoling and comforting and threatening ex's and apologizing to ex's we threatened and laughing still and crying a lot and writing and building houses and learning to use power tools and traveling and taking pictures on chairs all over town and running and riding bikes in circles and ranting and laughing laughing laughing....

 and building a friendship that has changed us from girls who have stupid conversations on gmail chat to girls who have stupid conversations on iMessage. A friendship that has stood the test of time, distance, and high school boyfriends. A friendship that has taught me that I'm never alone and that even when absolutely no one understands me, my best friend does and can tell me what I'm thinking before I even say it.

A friendship that has shown me that God is good and lets all people experience good gifts and deep, rich joys.

Today I thank God for this miracle of friendship and for the miracle of one girl who has changed my life forever. Who has made it just a little bit brighter and more light hearted. I stand amazed that God would bless me, of all people, as the best friend of Hannah Tomlin. I also stand amazed that anyone in the world could be as weird and quirky as me and share the exact same stupid sense of humor that literally NO ONE else understands.

So Happy 20th birthday to the girl who I looked at when I was 8 and I thought was weird for being homeschooled. Happy 20th birthday to the girl who let me stay at her house even though her parents got really upset and grounded her and probably moved her computer bedtime back to 7pm as a punishment. Happy 20th birthday to the girl who told Varun that my leg was eaten by an alligator fish and forced me to like talking on the phone.

Happy 20th Birthday to the girl who I had no idea would change my life - to my partner in crime, my accountability partner, my best friend...Hannah.

Happy birthday, lovey. God bless you and keep you always. You'll be my best friend forever.

Different Paths

What do you do when you realize that you no longer love the truth?

I used to have such a passion for truth. For finding my true purpose and pursuing it. A hunger for goodness and purity. A thirst for righteousness and light.

But what do you do when you realize you've grown to despise the truth? That you have a deep-rooted bitterness toward this truth that has brought such pain and sorrow into your life? What do you do when everything you once lived for you now hate?

Why does my soul grow weary of doing good? Why does my mind shut out words of life? Why has my heart become so hardened towards what I once loved?

I'm enthralled and enchanted by the things of this world, even though I know they are empty and meaningless.

I just know that the narrow path that leads to life in Christ is so hard and painful. And I desire something easier, something wider.

"Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few."
Matthew 7:13-14

Lord, teach me to desire the way that is narrow and leads to life.

Cheers to Coffee

Because when I'm up at 4:30 in the morning and would rather die than be awake, it gives me just a little reason to live.

Because when I have to pull a 6-hour shift grading papers, it keeps me from falling asleep and losing my job.

Because when my entire family is playing cards and my dad doesn't want to lose again, it gives him an excuse to sit out. (He's our official "coffee-maker").

Because the best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup.

So here's to you, coffee. I love you.



OH. And shout-out to my one and only consistent follower in Springdale.

...........who are you?

Rulez

Below is a list of general rules in life to which I am NOT the exception.

You see, I've realized that because I've been somewhat fortunate in life, I have come to believe that general rules don't apply to me. I honestly believe I am the exception to every rule.

Well. I'm wrong.

So.

Just in case I ever start to think that way again, I'll provide a dandy little list to look back on of rules that I have come to discover that do, in fact, apply to me.

Rule #1: If you lift with your back and not with your legs, you will suffer.

Because for some reason I believed that my little body could lift something rather weighty using my back and wrist muscles, ignoring what I consciously remembered about there being a proper form for doing this sort of thing. Bend the knees. Lift with those bent knees, keep your back straight. Instead, I locked my knees, bent my back and pulled with all the might in my tiny, little wrists.

And now I'm suffering.

This realization hit me when I went down to sleep last night and EVERY MUSCLE IN MY BODY SEIZED UP AND TWISTED ALL AROUND AND LEFT ME NEARLY PARALYZED. And it hit me again today when my wrist throbbed any time I used my hand. And it hits me even now as a strange shooting pain makes residence in my right elbow.

Just don't lift heavy things in general. That's my new rule. No exceptions.

Rule #2: If you don't write it down, you'll forget it.

Well, after scheduling exactly 4 things for the same exact time one day and not realizing it until about an hour before these events, I found that there is a beauty in keeping a calendar where you can write things like this and keep track of important notes. So if you ask me to hang out now, I'll have to check my calendar to see if I can pencil you in. ;)

Rule #3: You'll find yourself in college/your early 20's. 

"You know, I HATE it when people say you'll find yourself in college. I've known who I was since 6th grade." Direct quote, L. Presley circa 2012.

"I have no idea who I am. Maybe I've turned into a hippie." Direct quote, L. Presley. circa 2013.

I mean, I guess that's pretty self-explanatory. I guess I'm finding myself now or something.

Rule #4: You will not marry your 7th grade sweetheart. 

Oh this one is an oldie but such a goodie. Yes, I did believe that I was going to marry my boyfriend when I was 14. "Oh, of course it's going to be hard to wait 7 or 8 years until it will be socially acceptable to get married, but we are MADE for each other. I mean, I think he's cute and he's getting his braces off in like 6 months so he's practically perfect. It's going to work out."

Not.

Rule #5: Your parents are right. 

About everything.

Almost.

But really. I thought it was the worst thing EVER when they totally ruined my life by taking my computer out of my room when I was 14, but turns out it's one of the best parenting decisions that they ever made. Thanks to mom and dad, I'm not a socially awkward recluse that hides in my bedroom all day.

And they were right about other things, too. Like that fact that even though I couldn't stand to be within a 20 feet radius of my sister when I was a kid, someday we would be best friends and we would laugh about the fact that we used to hate each other.

It's like they're psychic or something. Really, HOW did they know that?

So I guess they know a thing or two. One might even call them wise.

Rule #6: If you don't change the oil on your beat-up, clunker car and keep a decent amount of gas in it, it WILL die forever. 

RIP Eunice
2001-2013

Rule #7: Spending too much time on social media will make you discontent.

I'd like to believe that I have the special immunity to the "Everyone else has everything I want bug" that comes from spending too much time looking at other people's lives on the internet, but I actually have about zero antibodies to fight against that disease so that's no good. The red "x" button is your friend, Lauren. No more Facebook today. Go talk to a real human face and appreciate what you have.

Rule #8: You don't have everything all figured out at 19. 

Because a good chunk into my 19th year of life, I walked around thinking I had everything under control simply because I understood everything. I'm perfect. I know how people work and I know how I work. I know how the world works. I'm a professional at living life. But now that I'm 20, I'm wiser and know a little bit more which means I know that I, in fact, know absolutely nothing about anything.

Dang it.

Rule #9: Reminiscing through past relationships is unhealthy.

I know it seems like it'll be fun to just take a peek back into the past, but there comes a point when you just have to let the past remain right there behind ya. It's not going anywhere. You don't have to check every five minutes to see if it's still there. You also don't have to check your ex's social media sites every day to see if they're still alive. Yes, yes, you're TOTALLY over them and you're just CURIOUS. Still, just stop.

Rule #10: If he doesn't obviously pursue you, you're not going to marry him. 

Sure he's been nice in the past and maybe he's nice to you now, but the truth is that when "the one" comes along, he'll probably make himself the one, and it won't be an accident.

Because I spent way too much time my freshman year of college analyzing every word that every boy said to me trying to figure out if they were my future husband. And it was awkward and weird.

So stop dreaming that Billy Bob who isn't really even much of a friend  to you will come in a grand gesture of romance and glory and profess his undying love for you. If he likes you that much, he'll make sure you know. And if he doesn't let you know, that's weird and you don't want to marry him.

Rule #11: Saying sorry first is always the best choice. 

Even if it means you're the only one to say sorry. I used to think that since I was always absolutely, completely correct about everything, this rule didn't apply to me. But again, now I'm 20 and I'm super wise and know that I'm actually usually wrong and that life is just a lot easier when you possess a good dose of humility.

Rule #12: Lack of sleep will destroy you.

Being the girl who allegedly thrives  off of 4 hours of sleep, I'm definitely the exception to this rule. Or at least I thought I was until chronic tiredness swept over me like a giant tidal wave. I'm thinking that I'll probably catch up on sleep, uh, never.

Rule #13: You need to use spellcheck and read back over what you write. 

Because even though it's kind of funny when you accidentally tweet "just sitting here being amazing" instead of "just sitting here being amazed," it's not as funny when you write in your final project paper for physics that "piano strings create different b****es..." rather than "piano strings create different PITCHES."

Super genius or not, when you're typing at 2am, you're going to make mistakes. Check back over it and save yourself from such mortification.

Rule #14: If you don't keep your emotions in line, you're going to get physically ill.

I've always been an emotional person. I've always taken pride in being sensitive and being able to feel deeply. But sometimes, emotions are toxic. And when I refused to keep my emotions in check, well, my body taught me a lesson. I came down with the shingles on the left side of my head, due to emotional stress. For a month I dealt with pins and needles tingling, shooting pain, extreme tenderness, insomnia, etc. because of my failure to get a grip. And to this day, three months later, I still have tender spots on my head left from it.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes you gotta let it out. Express yourself. But when expressing your emotions turns into a month-long marathon of weeping and wallowing, it's time to give yourself a pep talk and get back in the game before the game knocks you out. Or something.

Rule #15: You won't stay in contact with your high school best friend who moves away.

Oh wait. There's one that I can actually call myself an exception to! ( Love you Hannah).


Okay, I'll end it with

Rule #16: Life goes on. 

Because when my mom tried to highlight my hair when I was 12 and ran out of bleach and my hair ended up being yellow in the front and brown in the back, I thought I was going to die. But it turns out that hair grows and you can cut the old stuff off.

And when my BFF moved to Iowa in Jr. High I thought surely I'd never see joy again. But then I met the friend that I spend HOURS with on the phone daily and have shared countless hilarious memories with since. And said bff who moved to Iowa is still one of my very best friends, despite all those miles between.

And yesterday I felt lonely and kind of like a failure, but then today I tripped while holding up my sister, Emily who has cerebral palsy and brain damage, and she thought it was hilarious and we sat there and laughed for about ten minutes straight and my heart nearly burst because it was so full.

Life goes on. 

And you know, a few times along the way, you find out that you've been naive and foolish, but you know what, you learn your lesson and move on. You find out that you're not the exception to the rule and furthermore that you're actually the textbook example of the rule. You laugh at the silly things you thought and did and shake your head at the stupid moves you made and resolve to try to think a little more clearly in the future.

You admit that God is God and that life is a gift and bow your head in reverence to a patient God who bears with our foolishness and naiveté and plead that He will continue to be patient as you choose your path. You thank Him for allowing you to enjoy good things in life even though you totally suck as person about 90% of the time. You press onward and do the best with what you have and be honest with yourself about who you are.

And good grief, you dance a little bit. 

Because you can't not smile while busting a move.







How He Loves.