Something I Have To Do

Yesterday was a hard day.

A deep discontentment  has been brewing within me for the past couple of months and last night was the final culmination of a bunch of heartbroken, ugly feelings coming to the surface. After spending a good three hours crying myself to sleep while going through every little thing in my life that would never be right, rest swept over me.

Sleep.

When I woke up, I felt refreshed. It's a new day with new hope. But most of all I felt that there was something I needed to do. And if I don't do this, I will only to continue to slip down that steep slope of bitterness and depression until there's no life left in my bones.

I must give thanks.

Because when I woke up, I realized that I was warm. Enveloped by the cloud-like cushion of my bed and the three blankets cocooned around me - warmth filled my body. I heard my parents stirring and I realized that I have a wonderful, healthy family. I smelled the coffee brewing and it hit me that I live a life of luxury.

Sometimes the things gone wrong completely darken out all the blessings in life, but today will not be that day. Today I will give thanks for what I have and choose to be okay with the things that I lack.

So here goes.

I'm thankful for:

• My health. For the most part I go from day to day feeling fantastic and pain-free, which is something that many people in this world only dream of. 
• My parent's house. Even though I moved out, I am still completely welcome to spend weeks or months or forever in their house and that is comforting to me.
• My apartment. I share a two bedroom apartment with two amazing friends that have been nothing short of an absolute blessing to live with. I have a kitchen and a living room so that I can invite guests over, and we have shared SO MANY laughs and tears in that place. 

• My jobs. In a time where a lot of people are having a hard time finding a job, I'm blessed to not only JUST have a job, but to have THREE jobs that I absolutely love. I have to quit one of my jobs soon and I am genuinely sad to leave it. What a good problem to have. 

• Transportation. 
• An abundance of food.
• Water 
• COFFEE.

• Shoes
• Thrift Shops
• My sewing machine that my parent's gave me for Christmas
• The ability to read music and express myself in song. And the ability to play the flute and the piano and the comfort and peace that comes from that. 
• My education. Although I have a lot of bitterness toward education, I am so thankful that I can read very well and write well, too. Writing has been one of my biggest forms of release lately and I can't imagine not being able to put my thoughts onto "paper." 

• The internet. Where I can connect with people, laugh at things, learn things, discover things, and all kinds of stuff. 
• My iPhone. I mean, really. This is no small deal. I have an iPhone and I didn't even have to pay for it. And I don't have to pay for my phone bill. That's a blessing.
• My MacBook. My school bought it for me and I never could've afforded it on my own. It has made so much possible for me. 
• My clothing. Because even though I feel like a frumpy loser most of the time, I never have to worry about whether or not I'll be warm. Or whether or not I'll have shoes on my feet. 
• The sky. It is beautiful and majestic and every single day it's just THERE to look at for as long as I please.
• Clean, safe air. The air I breathe is fresh and crisp. I don't have to worry about radiation or other pollution. I go outside and breathe deeply and I am refreshed and satisfied. 
• Stuffed Animals. Because when there's no one to hug and I feel alone - as pathetic as it may be - a good hug from my stuffed moose makes everything alright. ;)
• Candles. I absolutely love the smell of candles. I also love the warm light that their fire produces. 
• Warm water. Something I've grown so accustomed to that it would be hard to live without. 
• Games. My family connects really well through games. We share a lot of laughter when we get together to just play.

• My bike. 
• This blog.
• My journals.
• My flute.

• My parent's piano.
• My friends. Because even though I have almost zero friends who understand what I believe, I know that I could call ANY of them and they would drop whatever they had to to make sure I'm okay. They've always accepted me for who I am and loved me despite my stupidity. I've got so many amazing girl friends who laugh with me and dance with me and sing loudly with me and hug me when I'm scared or sad. And I've got an awful lot of guy friends who comfort and encourage me with their words, who teach me and push me forward, and who provide a lot of comedy in my life. 

• Tea. Because there's nothing better than a good ol' tea time. I've poured out thoughts here that I've never told anyone and have received comfort and deep, awesome friendship. 
• My family. I saved this one for close to last because I take it completely for granted. Sometimes we have differences. But they are there. Every day. They love me and they include me in everything and they care about what I do with my life. They care. I've always been able to bring my problems to them and I've always found comfort in simply being at home. I love them so much.

• The Bible. Even though I sometimes hate it because of how it has changed my life, there isn't a single time that I read it and don't feel refreshed. How can words so ancient bring life so new? There is a spirit within those words that is longing to make it's home in the heart of every reader. And that spirit has brought me life, time and time again.
• A safe community. 
• Emotion.
• The ability to change. 
• Grace.
• Forgiveness. 
• Changing landscape/scenery.

I could keep going on and on if I sat here and continued. My life is full of blessing and today I will acknowledge that. I haven't done much to deserve these things, but the God of the Universe is patient and kind, giving to us what we have not earned, and pouring blessings on the good and the bad, just and unjust. If you are lacking ANY of these things, please tell me so that I can share with you what I have. Because what's been given to me is what I long to give away. Thank you God, for blessings. And even though I know little about this God, I know that He loves. And oh, How He does love. 

Beauty, Grace, and Heartache

Life is so full of paradoxes.

And you know, sometimes I really wonder why.

Why is every good thing tainted by something icky? But on the flipside, it's good because every bad thing is shadowed with life and brilliance.

Contradictions teach us. We can never understand how truly wonderful peace and joy are until we experience sorrow and grief.

Life is so hectic for me right now. Nothing is what I ever thought it would be. I always thought that by this point in my life, I'd be almost finished with college, have a serious boyfriend (that I would soon marry), I would have plenty of money stored away and well on my way to a picture perfect life. However, I've chosen to stray from that and now. Well. I'm a college drop-out pursuing midwifery, I'm single with no prospects (and will probably keep it that way for a LONG time), and I have much less money and material possessions than before.

Now don't get me wrong, I chose this. I specifically decided that I didn't want that shallow, "picture-perfect" life and instead wanted to follow Christ. But even so, it hasn't been exactly what I imagined, and it definitely hasn't been easy.

So life is crazy. I have no idea where I'll be in the next year, much less the next 10 years. I don't know if I'll ever get married or if I'll be good at midwifery. I don't know if I'll be living in NW Arkansas or even in America at all. I don't even know who God is anymore or why in the world I'm even here.

But it's so, so weird because while I don't know ANYTHING anymore, I have this weird sensation that I know everything that I need to know. It doesn't make any sense, but not much does anymore. I just feel like I know enough to live in this moment and that is good. I feel anxiety and fear and anger and bitterness, and I feel joy and peace and love and contentment. I feel cursed and I feel blessed.

I guess I'm a little confused.

But at the same time I'm not.

Life is so complex yet so simple. Why are we here, what are we supposed to be doing, who is God, who am I? I don't know. But I know that I'm alive and I'm called to serve and love and give.

I feel so alone yet I feel so blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful friends and loved ones. I feel plain and ugly yet I feel like a princess adorned with jewels. I feel awkward and uncomfortable yet I feel at home and at peace.

God is so silent yet he is so present.

So there is beauty all around, contrasted by poverty and pain. There is grace abounding, contradicting the bitterness and unforgiveness that plagues our hearts. There is unending heartache and suffering, yet an ever-present and constant source of healing and life accessible to all.

Paradox.

"He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it." Matt. 10:39

Let us lose our lives for your sake. Because oh, How You Love.