The Link

A couple of weeks ago I hit a really rough spot where things in my life just didn't seem to add up at all. I actually wrote about it in a previous post that you can read here. Basically, I just didn't understand why God had torn certain things out of my life and I didn't understand why I was so deeply broken and confused. A few days after that, I went for a really long drive. That night there was such a deep hurt and I just poured my heart out to God. My main question was "How could you take that part of me and then not fill it?" I knew that there was a reason that so many changes took place so quickly, but it felt like God had just left a gaping wound there, a huge void that I thought He wasn't filling.

I knew that wasn't true.

I knew that the real reason I felt so unfulfilled was because I wasn't allowing God to fill that spot. Even so, I was just confused about WHY things had to happen this way. A few nights ago, I found the link.

I was at Navs for worship, and the message was about the meaning of the Gospel to those who are already in Christ. The speaker said that before we're saved by grace, we are desperate and we have this attitude like, "I just can't do this on my own...it's impossible...I'll never be good enough!" And that's so right, we can't do it on our own, so we run to the arms of Jesus for our salvation. When we are saved, something interesting (and pretty ridiculous) happens. For some reason, we feel like now we can do things on our own. Like, we have this newfound strength within us that means we can do things independently of God.

Uh, wrong.

I need the Gospel of Christ JUST as much today as I needed it the day I was saved. When I was hearing all of this, it reminded me of a place I was not too long ago. Several months ago I was in a place of really deep frustration that brought such anxiety to my life. It seemed to me that I could not escape my sins. I prayed desperately that God would allow me the strength to overcome them and I didn't understand why I kept failing even after praying that. Well, I know now that the reason was I was trying to do it on my own. I had a list of sins to stay away from and essentially became very legalistic in the way I lived. And I failed. Every. Single. Day. And even worse, when I did "succeed," I felt empty and alone. I wasn't dependent upon the grace of God.

So anxiety plagued my life. Turns out, when you try to control your life and take the reins from God, peace is NO WHERE to be found. I remember journaling about this feeling of constant restlessness, wondering if true peaceful joy would ever find me. I wondered when I would wake up in the morning and NOT be stressed out. I couldn't remember the last time I was happy, and I didn't see any hope for this joy in the future. I prayed for release and it didn't seem to come. In fact, it seemed like the opposite of my prayers came true. Every plan I had fell apart.

Little did I know, this was the solution. So you know how I said there was a missing link? (I'm laughing as I write this, because it's just so obvious to me now...) The missing link was THE GOSPEL. The missing link was my Savior. Why did everything fall apart? Because I was living in my own strength. I believed I could conquer my sin. I couldn't. So God literally took my sin out of my life. Sure, there is still sin in my life daily. But since my heart was broken, I learned how to cling to Jesus.

Peace.

Really? That's it? I strived for SO long trying to find peace by doing the right things and praying the right prayers when all I had to do was cling to and depend on Christ? It's bliss, though. It really is. When we let go of our feelings of entitlement and control, and fall helpless before the throne of grace, The Gospel does a FRESH work in our lives. The Gospel that teaches we cannot earn grace, but can only receive it as a gift from The Father. That doesn't change after we're saved. We were, and are, and will be always saved BY GRACE through faith that comes from the Holy Spirit in us.


Matthew 11:29-30

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

What peace He Brings....And Oh, How He Loves.

Bind My Wandering Heart to Thee...

Since the day I got to college (a little over a month and a half ago), I've been obsessed with finding my husband. Almost every single guy I meet, I instantly analyze to see if he has "the one" potential. I'm just going to be honest, it's gotten out of hand.

Hannah and I have been talking about boys A LOT. For a while we were seriously analyzing absolutely everything about relationships to the point that it became a burden. Shortly afterwards, we decided that we need to lighten up a little bit and not take it so seriously. So, we went to the other extreme. Obsessing over boys like it's no big deal, constantly talking about our future husbands, totally losing sight of our entire purpose. Needless to say, it wasn't long before one of us got hurt. It wasn't Hannah.

Well, we've been through both extremes in less than a month (can you say bipolar?). Tonight, we had the best talk yet. It started off a little bit crazy. I found a guy that I feel like is perfect for me. Like, seriously. This guy is crazy about Christ and the gospel, he has great taste in music, is musical himself, and a ton of other things that fit perfectly with who I am. Plus, we're acquaintances so it's not totally unrealistic. Hannah and I gushed about him for a little bit, pondering whether I'll marry him (don't judge us, please!!). After this, we moved on to this guy who is literally in love with Hannah, and has been for several years. We once again pondered the possibility of marriage and something crazy happened.

A couple of weeks ago I met a guy named Ben. I was going to visit my friend Daniel, and he was with him. He is probably the most interesting person I have ever met, and has an absolutely BEAUTIFUL story of redemption. Seriously. He's also a musician. He plays the guitar and sings lovely songs about how Jesus saved his life and restored his soul by His grace. Anyway, Ben said something interesting. He said that if we are in Christ, we have the Holy Spirit within us, which means that we have a wellspring of knowledge available to us when we need it. He was trying to convince Daniel that something was not quite what God intended for him, and so Ben was arguing that if Daniel really thought about it, he truly knew in his heart what the answer was.

Well, I tested that theory a few times, and let me tell you, it seems to be true. I'm not going to make any theological statements about it, because I don't know the Biblical basis of such a claim, but I do know that God's Word tells us that if we ask for wisdom, God will be gracious to give it to us when we need it (James 1:5). Once again, His Word proves true...

Anyway, that was a little bit off the path, but we're back to the conversation between Hannah and I. We both know what God is calling us to at this moment. Singleness. We don't know for how long and we don't know where He is leading, but this is our calling right now. I'm just going to be honest and say I don't like it. I haven't exactly been single very often in the past few years. I've only had 2 boyfriends, but they were both very long relationships, so the past 2 months of singleness has been the longest stretch I've gone without having a boyfriend since I was, well...13.

But you know what? There has NEVER been a time in my life when God was not faithful. Ever. He has consistently proved Himself worthy of my trust and I've heard countless other Christians say the same thing. And when it comes down to it, my purpose in life is not to find a husband. My life's purpose is to somehow glorify the great God that gives me life. To offer what little life I have to the glory of His name. And something else I've realized lately is that the love of Christ for His Bride is SO SWEET. Like, it's mindblowing. Inconceivable. Like, really, I'm getting emotional just writing about it. It's like the song says "On and on and on it goes. Yes, it overwhelms and satisfies my soul. And I never ever have to be afraid, this one thing remains. Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me." So, even if it is my calling to remain single for the entirety of my life on earth, how sweet would that actually be? I mean, I'll be practical and say that it would be hard to watch all my friends get hitched and have cute little babies, but seriously. Compared to the DEEP love of Christ, what is all of that?

It is filthy rags.

So, Lord. Love. Christ. Bind my wandering heart to Thee. Allow me to bask in your glorious love all the days of my life, and accept what little I have to offer as a sacrifice of complete love and adoration. Please, please, please, my Lord.

So Hannah and I have decided to TRUST GOD. We're giving up these crazy antics. We're surrendering. We know that it'll be hard and that Satan will throw all his tricks in our face and fill us with ridiculous lies. But nonetheless we surrender to a God - the God - who is worthy of our complete trust. Marriage may come. It may not. But one thing remains....the deep, wide, and endless love of Christ. Capture my heart again.


And I'm convinced that eternity will not be long enough to sing your praises.



"Oh to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be.
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for Thy courts above."


Oh, my soul...
How He loves.