Oh Heavy Heart of Mine

Somali Pirates.

This is what grieves my heart today.

I watched the movie Captain Phillips yesterday and was smacked in the face with the stark reality that there are bad people out there who have no choice but to be bad.

But my soul whispers to me that they're not actually bad.

My soul feels their hidden goodness. It feels their desperation and fear. It so deeply feels their sense of hopelessness.

And then I feel hopeless.

Why do I have so much? I have everything. It is easy for me to be good. I don't have any worries. I have every need met on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. It's no real sacrifice for me to do good things.

But people with no hope, people with no protection, no livelihood, no money, no job, no family, no LOVE - they have no choice.

Be bad or die.

That's the choice life gives them. Life says go out and steal and hurt and kidnap and destroy and take what is not yours and assert your power and live to make others fear and you'll survive. Otherwise, stay meek and humble and weak and die. Die in desperation and hopelessness.

This is what is seems like life gives them. And it does not seem fair. It seems so wrong. 

And I can't help but wonder why God would allow it to be that way. It's not fair that it's so easy for me to be good and so easy for them to be bad.

If I'm good, people praise me and bless me and love me. If they're good, people take advantage of them, kill them, destroy them.

Where is my God? Is he near to them? Is he close to their broken hearts? Does he hear their helpless cries in the night? Does he have mercy on them?

Does he love them? 

And I find myself praying in desperation that God will just make it known to me that he isn't absent from all of this. I have to know that he has some sort of plan through all of this. I have to know that he loves those people and that his heart breaks the same way mine does when it sees their scared, lonely souls and their acts of wickedness.

I need to see his eyes and see the tears welling and the arms reaching out, trying to save them.

Oh, my God, will you open my blind eyes?

Oh, my God, will you make known to me your love for bad people? Will you make known to me who you are? Will you show me your heart and your face and your eyes?

Oh, my God, where have you gone?

It feels like you've left us here alone. It is so hard to see you anywhere now. All I see is selfishness and ignorance and greed. All I feel is brokenness and helplessness and confusion.

Oh, my God, won't you save us?

Won't you put an end to our suffering and teach us who we should be? Won't you provide for us so that we can serve you? Won't you heal our broken hearts?

Oh Jesus, won't you lift this heavy heart of mine? 

2014

A bad habit I'm going to break: Being late.

A new skill I'd like to learn: sewing clothing and cutting men's hair

A person I hope to be more like: My Grandma

A good deed I'm going to do: Use my money to benefit others

A place I'd like to visit: Colorado

A book I'd like to read: Something about midwifery

A letter I'm going to write: A letter to Alexis

A new food I'd like to try: I would like to try going mostly vegan for a while

I'm going to do better at: not letting my emotions control me

.......It's not 2013. It's 2014. But I thought it was cool. K. 

Intah-view with Urs TrOoOoOoLy xOxO

I don't usually do these, but I actually think they're really fun. 

*Insert joke here about how I used to do these daily and post them as notes on myspace*

I obviously haven't changed much. 

K. 

1. My favorite piece of art that I own is....well, I don't own any actual art, but you know, I have this wall in my room that is pretty much my favorite wall evah because it has all the coolest quotes/bible verses on it and a bunch of awesome pictures that remind me of wonderful memories and stuff. So I'm pretty fond of that wall. <3

2. The most expensive bill I paid last month was rent. Fun. 

3. The last thing I apologized for was for forgetting to call my bff Hannah. She's really cool and nice and stuff so of course she forgave me, no prob. #bestielove

4. My favorite color is blue and sometimes it's something weird like gray or brown, but only because they seem to make other colors like blue so much cooler and prettier.

5. My health....hm....is probably a 7. I mean, there's nothing wrong with me, I don't have any diseases as far as I know. However, I know that I need to exercise more and eat less chocolate and cookies. I also need to sleep more. But 7 aint so bad, right? (:

6. I maybe would've read a little bit I guess. 

7. I mean, I don't usually have that attitude, of seeing people as having to be "dealt with," but one issue I wish I wouldn't have had to deal with today is scheduling for work. I've been feeling a little bit over worked and taken advantage of and I feel like a lot of boundaries are being crossed. I want to be able to do everything I can to help out, but it stinks when your work, even if you love it, starts to overtake your personal life. 

8. Uh, like 32 inches or something close to that. I don't much care for that there kind of stuff. ;) 

9. I went to bed much too late last night. Like around 2am. Again, I need to get more sleep. 

10. Todayyy I bought a few things! Breakfast burritos at sonic, a scrapbook box for my sister, and a case of Diet Coke for mi madre. 

11. I wish I had a husba- wait, did I say that? I mean, it's what almost every girl thinks. Don't get me wrong, I am really happy the way I am, being single. I'm serious! But I'm just being super honest and saying that I do dream about getting married! What can I say, I'm a 20 yr old girl with Pinterest and 985439 friends who are getting married so yeah, I think about it. But I only a little bit wish that. Just a little. Sometimes. 

12. I didn't take any pictures today except for one selfie that I took on snapchat and immediately deleted forever bc well I don't want to completely shatter every ounce of dignity I have, you know? My hair wasn't looking very good.

13. Ugh, I do wish you wouldn't have asked that question because I'm reading When God Writes Your Love Story and now you probably think that I'm a boy-crazy teenie bopper who's going to college for her MRS degree, but THAT'S NOT TRUE OKAY. The only reason I'm reading this book is because I didn't have many options and I read it a few years ago and wanted to see if my thoughts about the book have changed since then. I'm seriously not desperate to get married or fall in love. I'm not. 

I'm not.

14. Okay, now lets bring up my lack of proper sleep again. I got about 5 1/2 hrs of sleep last night. I could've used a few more, but hey I took a nap today so if you add on that hour, then I got close to 7 which is perfectly acceptable, right? 

15. A day off? But it's okay. I'm very thankful for my job, so I'm not really complaining. 

16. I was in a SLEEPY mood today. (: Which means pretty zombie-like. But it was a good day.

17. I tried using some essential oils! Peppermint and Lemon...I think essential oils are awesome and I look forward to seeing how I can use them more!

18. My biggest hope is that I live a life I can be confident about. I know it's cheesy, but I want to be a good person and I want to be a godly woman. That's what I hope for. 

19. Ugh you know what has challenged my morals? Me. Because I'm selfish! Working on it day by day.

20. Oh man, haha. My 2000 Nissan Altima DIED, so I'm now driving my dad's 1998 Buick Century, which means I should probably be allowed to sign up for AARP or something like that right? 

I actually like the car though, further proving that I should at least get a senior discount at the movies. 

21. One dog - Super Cooper. He's fat and awesome. Hehe (: 

22. I....need....to...buy....hmmm....food for my apartment. uhhh....probably some gas for my car....and....a birthday present for my roommate!

23. Today I felt really secure knowing that my family loves me. 'Nuff Said. ;)

24. I definitely made a difference in my sister's life because I bought her a scrapbooking box, so that's obviously going to change her life and make it much better/easier/awesomer. 

25. My super power is the power of awkward. The ability to ward off bad people with my supreme weird-ness. Yeah, it's pretty cool. 

26. My work schedule. :( I miss my friends! But it's okay. Things will calm down soon enough and I'm working on setting up a FEW boundaries so that I don't work every single day of the week always.

27. I don't know, today was pretty good! Maybe some time with one of my friends? 

28. My future stresses me. Sometimes I'm afraid that I won't have the strength to do what I'm called to do in the future. But I try not to dwell on tomorrow, but focus on today and the next step ahead. Phew.

29. Didn't have it this year. And oh, it's not February. Whoops. 

Well, that was fun! I'll probably read this in a couple of years and think I gave really dumb answers. That's the fun part! HoOoOray. 

Love.